My life is a collection of twisting, winding paths. Most are dark, lonely, stormy, fiery, and led me to anger, hatred, pain, sorrow, loneliness, and fear. But there was this one particular road, full of colorful roses on either side, and led me to warmth, light, hope, beauty, content, laughter, smile, love and happiness. To know that once upon a time, I walked down this path under the warmth of the pretty blue sky, danced under the rain, and prayed under the thousand stars of the summer sky. That once upon this path I ran with laughter across the green pastures, and as I dozed […]
BONES
BY Khalila Divinity
ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT
MY MIND AND I FIGHT
OVER THINGS THAT SHOULD BE OTHERWISE UNIMPORTANT.
“SHE” CROSSES MY MIND AND I DONT KNOW WHY
I ARGUE, BUT THE VISONS MY MIND SPEAKS ARE HAUNTING.
REPETATIVE. MY STOMACH CHURNS AND I TURN AGAIN TO ONE SIDE.
I LAY ON MY BACK NOW, ON MY COUCH.
BECAUSE THE BED GIVES ME NIGHTMARES.
NOW WISHING I LAID IN, I’D WELCOME THOSE DARK DREAMS, AS LONG AS I GOT SOME SLEEP.
TOO LATE NOW,LESS THAN 30 MINUTES BEFORE THE ALARM SCREAMS.
WHY DO I FEEL SO DIRTY NO, I WANT TO SAY DISTURBED…UNEASY.
I WANT TO […]
i am quiet, this is no new thing but when i am quiet, i think of hurtful things.
mother says she loves me but how should i know it be true? father claims it too but i don’t know how to believe it’s all true.
i am forever alone in this dark head of mine, left to rot and watch this decaying world as everyone pretends it’s all ok.
i hurt myself to protect all of whom i love, if i did not i would hurt them, feel their bones break under foot, watch blood drip from their finger tips and spill onto me, with the glorious shades […]
she is perfect, she will take the compliment and thank you, yet she never really agrees, she is beautiful no matter how ‘shit’ she may think she looks.
That’s what i could have written about her when i loved her, she broke my heart, i felt like breaking her bones, the hatred within me is growing with every word she says to me but it’s not just hatred for her, it’s hatred for all, they’re putting me on meds for my homicidal and suicidal thoughts, i don’t need them meds i am perfectly fine being this way without them. fuck you all, good day.
I feel like mist, not solid but air, not human but soul, not living but there.
I feel like a ghost but my shadow is clear, to others but me, in a life I can’t bare.
Time ticks on slowly, I feel it in my bones, each minute decaying a crumbling stone.
I count the days since I took the breath that would give me life and lead to death.
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It hurts the way you ignore me
You put me on the edge hoping i drift away from you
Im always with you,
My only regret in life was sharing something beautiful with you.
You betrayed me let me fall and rust and disintegrate.
Now im dead, not in body but soul
I will hunt your conscience for the things you did, and for the things
you didnt.
Do you know how it feels to disintegrate over several years of pain and suffering?
Now im empty, filled only with the pain of old and new. My destiny seems to be
pain.crying.anxiety.hate.regret.suicide. Today,tomorrow,forever.
The pain fill my […]
Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back […]
Wow, the last time I was here was a year ago..
& haven’t things got rough!
I was doing so well, I moved to London, started university and fell ridiculously depressed.
I relapsed again and again
I don’t think in control with myself anymore, my head is all over the place and my body is suffering. My bones are becoming weaker and weaker and I can’t cope. I almost broke my ankle recently and because of this my University won’t pass me for my first year because of the time off. I’ve been having tests upon tests to see whether I have a serious illness, they want to […]
The worst fear to have is a fear of ones self, you can’t run or hide from yourself, when scared you cannot stop yourself. I am terrified of myself everyday..i can hurt me more then anyone else. I have lived with this fear for a long time, but yet again the fear has grown. The fear grows when my emotions get stronger and sadder, when i feel empty and comatose’d. I cannot run or hide or stop myself anymore. I have no one or nothing to hold back the frightful me from hurting the scared me. I am a monster….just not of my own making.. […]
I finally started talking to my counselor because I need help. Biggest mistake ever. She told me if I was going to commit suicide she had to tell my parents. She lied. I told her I think about it a lot. Now I sleep on my parents floor like a dog. Everyone talks to me like I’m about to die. I really messed up. I don’t think anyone would ever understand how much I care for my family. They are all I have even if that’s not much they made mistakes but I don’t like to stress them out or make them cry. I wish […]
From a time before I could remember, I’ve been tormented. At home, my father would abuse me -not physically, but emotionally and verbally. But that hurt more than the real abuse my step-mother would give me on a near-daily basis. I was moved from the front of the front of my family’s love, to the basement of our new house, while my stepsister got a real bedroom, with a heater, with a real floor, a real bed, and a window.
Every day I woke up to objects being thrown at me because my new sister didn’t want to touch me -afraid she would catch what I […]
Gives pain to those that are weak and can come out stronger. Endure and take as a reminder that the earthly ties of anguish are still knitted, and no human can untie what was tied by a supreme being. only the spirit and hand of it who laid the blocks and keyholes to that castle has the right to stand and move in it.
I wake to the sound of sadness and betrayal from a thought far far above. Understanding is all I will never get, actions turn to regrets. I lay, in a room, the ceiling is a dark night sky hidden from shooting stars. […]
I swear, I have lead bones. they weigh me down. I promise you, I have water in my lungs. I drown all the time. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’ve never known why and that is the worst part. I live in a happy family and i’m the dark cloud. i’m the rain on their parade. I guess you could say I have a great life and looking at it from another point of view, I can see how that would be true. but I feel like I am dead on the inside. and I wish I was on the outside. I’m […]
Instability is the only stable thing in me
Balance is challenging to me
Maybe I need something like peace
Hello serenity how have you been? It’s been quite a while since my needs were meant, in this parasitical relationship, your lack is hurting me
Hello algidity, you’re stuck in my bones. It’s been such a long time since I remember being warm, in this frigid cowardice, I’m not any closer to free
I’m not being heard and I wonder why, “Why am I”
“Why am I here because I’m not changing much”
The things I say the words I speak
I have to ask “Would I even […]
Hello my name is Arianna I am 15 years old. I have no reason to live. i hate this I hate all of this. I hate the human beings in this world who make it their job to judge and bully. I hate the models out there that are the pure essence of beauty when they are all bones and skin. I hate the stupid corrupted police system that turns a blind eye to a child being sexually abused because it’ll make their job easier to sit on their lazy asses!
So here I sit in hate with blood dripping from my wrists writing to […]
Why did the teasing continue on?
Why didn’t they see until she was gone?
Why didn’t someone say,
“That’s not the right way.â€
Why do they find such pleasure
in hurting people to this measure?
Why didn’t someone say,
That’s not okay?
Don’t you see the hurt? Can’t you see the tears?
Can’t you tell she longs for someone to be near?
Can’t you be her friend,
true to the end?
Can’t you see how you tear her apart
and break her heart?
If only they’d have left her alone.
Instead of breakin’ her bones.
If only someone would’ve had the strength
to tell them NO, push them away.
If only someone would have taken the time to say…
That’s not okay.
Don’t you see […]
Finally the physical is matching the way I feel within. My car broke down shortly after a spinal injury followed by my computer breaking down so its hard to even be here. I’m dying whether by my own hand or just my will. It’s coming I can feel it deep in my bones its time to go all I have to do now is sleep and let the death take me. Good bye to all who loved me to all whom I love. Everything dies its just my time now. I’m dieing farewell.
What’s the best way to have someone find you? Opinions?
I’ve thought about mail, emails, giving heads ups are more questionable…
I wouldn’t want to start decomposing where I lay. But I wouldn’t want someone to stop me either.
Fed up with crying wolf, and even worse, I don’t even know if people would take me seriously if I said I was going to kill myself.
Because every time I’m at that brink, that dread is immediate, real. Pulses through my blood, my bones.
Yet, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to laugh at my own pathetic attempts.
Everyday I am sinking. Like a stone. I am nothing and no one but empty bones. I am hollow through and through and I just don’t know what to do. I am a coward. Food tastes funny and sleep lacks escape. My vivid nightmares, mocking reminders of my pointless reality. This is shit. But what’s a coward to do? I wish I could brave up and take that last ending step. I wish I could float away effortlessly.
Further to my recent post, My Bones, for what its worth, I would like to tell you all, Ive done it. Ive just said no to meeting the ex and her daughter as ” Just friends”. She wanted to meet in our usual spot, the place where I fell in love with her. I just couldnt do it. I love her way to much to be just friends, she has someone else now, and thats whats killing me. Ive seen her a couple of times since the split, and it crushes me inside.
This is a HUGE step for me, as I love her with all […]
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