Dammit. I try so friggin hard to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t seem to isolate myself properly. Nobody should have to deal with my sad BS, but I am and always will be a whiney, stupid loser. I get weak, and I cave, and I burden others with my helpless garbage. Gah. I wish I could get some rest and turn my brain off.
Tag:
Bs
I’m so close to the brink- I worry I’m losing my mind. I tell myself to keep trying, one more day… maybe even finish the semester. Then I find myself crying and tapping my foot, looking at one of those options.
I don’t know what to do anymore- I must be crazy. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t my headaches go away? The seizures? The pain? Why can’t I just understand all this BS?
…I think I’m crazy.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want out.
I’ve been attempting to take my life since I was 14. I always have found ways to talk myself out of it. I’ve got to graduate college. At 20, I’ve got to get my BS degree. And now at 26, I’m here getting my PhD at a reputable university with a beautiful wife. What I feel at my core has not changed.
I want my aunt’s and my wife’s approval. Situate them with loaned money and then disappear the way I would like. I’ve done therapy. I’ve been on many prescription drugs. Still I find myself here.
I’ve been thinking lately that this never gets better. Everyone […]
Every-day is the same: I wake-up, and stare through my window — at the consequence of London’s cold winters. The slight breeze in my room –basically my world- makes me chilly (cold). I get back into bed, and go through my phone for 45 minutes: battling with myself not to get out bed. As the clocks strike 11, I start hearing calls to have my breakfast… I already know what the menu will include: eggs, cheese, tomatoes, olives, tea and toasted bread: I love the menu; but I’m trying to become a vegan. Nevertheless, I have some cheese, spinach and a few pieces of fruit […]
where did it all go so wrong. it wasn’t just one event but a build up a slow etching away of humanity and life, you take away this and I settle for that. then this and this and this and that is gone. Wait there is more to lose and I settle for that…no that is not enough this is gone too and even more…no walks in the park, no hugging your dog no gong to work and put up with the regular BS, no family to talk to, no face to recognize…. NOTHING left of value or importance, what left too look forward too
So more psychological BS by someone who’s intentionally trying to screw around with my life….. I’m kind of over it and it’s pathetic that no one can state what’s going on….. kind of a pathetic world we live in, but I shouldn’t be intentionally forced out of an industry of or towns or of anywhere…… but that’s seems to be what’s happening because some people are really really screwed up….God help them…. and in the meantime I’ll hold enough faith that things work out for my personal situation spending and hour and half on a bridge is never a good thing – but it’s my […]
So, it has been a large number of years since the first time I wanted to be dead. Gone. Not here with all of the drama and BS that i have been unable to escape since i was born. However, last night, i was for some reason given the chance to see just one small part of the insanity that has plaqued my friends and family for years. The light has been turned on! They must sit by and watch this “person” that i become, verbally bash them and make them feel like shit.
I always thougt they were lying.
Now with that light turned […]
So yesterday the only friend I had in the world left me. He told me I was a bad person… that I was too fucked uo for him to stick around. How my apathy and suicidal ideation made it bad for him to be around me. And as much as I begged him to stay, and as much as I pleaded, there was no changing his mind.
So I came home. Bought some alcohol, bought out the pain killers. Swallowed 50. Took a blade to my wrist and carved my skin off. Then took a rope and tried to hang myself.
Yet I am […]
Why isn’t there an eraser I can take to a photo and make myself disappear?
by dinolemons
written by dinolemons
That’s exactly what I wish I could do, honestly. I was looking online to see if there were other people paddling similar canoes as I am, and I wound up finding this place. A place where I can talk about how I feel, where other people might feel the same thing, and where I won’t be judged for it? Somewhere I can truly let everything out without people I personally know wondering what’s going on with me… I’m not entirely sure where to begin, so I apologize for the chunk of words this is going to become.
That’s something that I do a lot, actually.. apologize. […]
I have 2 kids, an intensely stressful career, just got married 2 weeks ago to my best friend. My soulmate… yet I still yearn for an ending. It seems so much more pleasant than dealing with the bs here. I drink to medicate. Then get angry and depressed when drunk. I wake up everyday hating the fact that I have to drag through another day. I want help but Im afraid I will lose my kids, marriage, job. I dont know what to do. Im suffering… have been for years. Horrible abuse as a child, bad relatiomships, past substance abuse. I really need help for […]
lies bs and sadness i dont like this SMILE I SAY SMILE AND PEOPLE GO AND HATE ME
had a therapy appointment today. as long as i am still going i guess that is a good thing. my therapist mentioned how scared she would be if i was a no show to an appointment. i told her she should be scared. the pro death part of me is rather insistent. i have come to the realization that i probably will kill myself. the question is when. that i do not know. all the suicide sites say that one should be alarmed if said suicidal person suddenly seems calm or even happy. it means that a decision has been made. well that decision has […]
January 5,2011 The day my daddy passed away, The day my 2 year boyfriend broke up with me, Â The day my mom and dad got married through church , The day I tried killing my self …
My dad died from cancer my boyfriend left me for my bestfriend….My bestfriend told all my secrets. That night it was a school night thursday to be exact. I punched a whole in my wall my nuckles turned purple I wanted to hurt myself I thought “I dont desrve to live im just a waste of space nobody cares for me!” I punched the mirror now my nuckles […]
This is coming from an agnostic…but I can verify that there is, in fact, something more. When my partner left me (you’ll excuse how disjointed and crazy this is, it was many years ago) when my ex left me at my best friend’s apartment he asked me whether or not I was “stable” I…of course…answered “yes”. I requested on the way there that we stop at the pharmacy so I could pick up some Excedrin. (I got my Benadryl instead.)  I’d never been asked that question before, nor had I considered myself “unstable” I told him I was fine.  I asked him to take me to […]
Here I am sitting in front of a computer screen, having tears run down my cheeks. I just need to let this all out. I was born abroad and faced tons of bullying when I came to where I am now. Started in 2nd grade and it never ended in elementary or middle school. I never made much friends until Middle School. I was in a clique, were weren’t close; it was simply to gain an advantage over each other for selfish purposes like getting good grades. I saw everyone in a race, in a race of being the best in academics. I was smart, […]
I hadn’t posted in a while .. had to pass by to let y’all know I’m doing better
Of course, this didn’t happen overnight .. It required commitment to one decision, a lot of willpower and taking action based on that decision
Around mid-october, I took the decision that I wasn’t going to kill myself .. I was tired of thinking life could be worth it one day and to hell with this world the next day, I had to pick a side to put an end to the confusion .. It was one tough decision to make because it went against a burning desire to check […]
Oh . my. fucking. god.
Long story short, I had a father who abused my mother, i would protect her causing me to get beat instead of her which was totally fine with me, as long as she wasnt hurt. one day he went too far, and she FINALLY -thank god- divorced the beast. that was around 3 years ago, and we haven’t kept in contact, (me and my father) . But my birthday, was around a month ago, and he sent presents for the very first time, whoopee. a fucking month late. cheers dad. not only that, but he sent me clothes, all in […]
Every day its the same thing, like a movie over and over.
I’m so sick and tired of living at home. Can’t I go to college yet? I mean, a lot of people look at me and go, You have nothing to complain about. Your parents are happily married, You don’t have any siblings to drive you crazy. Your grades are above average, and you’re a talented girl.
As far as that BS goes, YOU live with my parents for years by yourself. I have a verbally agressive dad that has one of the most closed up minds that I’ve ever seen. I have a mom who is depressed for no fucking reason. As far as the rest […]
My name is ryan, im 23, i have been shy and quiet all my life. I have severe anxiety, nobody understands me, i am hard of hearing i wear hearing aids. I dont consider myself ugly, but people make me feel that way. I have been a screw up most of my life, when i was 11 i started smoking weed, which then became the root of all my problems since then. I meant an amazing girl at the same time, i dated her from the time we were 11 to 17. In jr high i started getting addicted to marijuana, i skipped school, i […]
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