I’m 46. I was a child of 2 sexual abusers for years. Ok! I had to finally accept that in my adulthood. I dealt with domestic violence abuse from someone that was suppose to love my children and I. I protected my children the best I knew how. After dealing with it for 8 years, I finally found a way out for my children and I. I attended college for 2 years and eventually married. I raised my 3 and his 2, but tragically in 2007, I lost a child to post bmt. I busted my ass everyday to try to save her with hardly any […]
So fucking sick of this life! I hate my parents for bringing me here! Black parents are traitors and liars. Why would you live a shitty inferior life then bring me here to do the same? Black people are hated the WORLD over because the majority are criminals and too stupid to function. It does not matter if you try to be a “good negro” your image is tainted from birth. Outside of accra and lagos (probably built up by non-blacks) there are no black civilizations. Nothing but death, misery and disease becomes of any place we inhabit. I chose to remain childfree because I […]
My children 17 & 15 really don’t want anything to do with me since there father & I separated. I had to leave him to save my sanity but now I’m thinking maybe I should have stayed for my children. My X is very heartless & has told the children lies about me. I don’t tell them anything about what there father has done to me during the marriage. I don’t think that would be right. As I watch them pull away from me, I’ve become very depressed & distant. They have always been my world & I adore them but I’m hurting so bad. […]
I don’t understand why I should live and I wish I was never born so that I don’t have to go through anything. You may call me a coward but to be very honest I really am jealous of miscarried children. I wish I were them rn. And I don’t care anymore about other people and how they feel nor do I care about what possible future I can bring. If I’m dead then they wouldn’t matter much to me. So if you do know the purpose of life then do tell me because I just don’t know anymore.
So I was asked to paint some Disney Princesses on a ceiling tile for a children’s hospital. It’s been 4 hours and I’m no where near finished but I’m happy to have this opportunity and something to keep me busy for a day or two. It has Princesses Ariel, Tiana, Jasmine and Mulan on it and it says (or will say) “Once upon a time, there was a princess and she lived in N.R.H” N.R.H. stands for National Rehabilitation Hospital. I think […]
Life should be so much more than staying alive. So often, I want to leave, to go on to a better existence. But it doesn’t go any further because I don’t want to hurt my mom & children. And yet what kind of existence is it to merely survive?
Dale swerved his car drunkenly up his long sloped driveway, barely stopping before the big oak tree at the top. He stumbles out of his car, barely able to find his own legs. His family dog, Conroy, lays coward while tethered to the porch. Conroy’s tail tucks underneath him as he whimpers, sensing the state of of Dales condition.
“Shut up mutt” Dale slurs, approaching the dog in an aggressive, albeit staggering motion.
Suddenly flashes and streaks stream around in a whirlwind. Somehow louder than a sonic boom but quieter than a whisper. Conroy’s gone. Dale mumbles, rubbing his eyes. Still no Conroy.
Thinking he’s […]
Most of my life its been assumed that i would be the first one, and probably the only one, of my siblings to have a child. i mean, i love kids, everytime i see a baby, i have to hold them because theyre so cute and tiny. i’ve sort of wanted children too, to be able to raise a kid. but i know i cant do it. i cant do that. i cant because i know i will screw that child over. i am not fit to be a parent. its funny though, because my sister, who has disliked children her whole life, is pregnant. […]
She’s gone from this…….
to this. This is what it looks like when all the life energy has gone
I sit here crying as I watch beside me my little girl dying before my eyes.
She is shaking with […]
I’m asking this because I think this is why everyone in our neighborhood hates my family. This is why they harassed me and ended up killing my brother.
We are pretty much the only decent and properly groomed children in my area. Kids younger than me have a kid or 2. They are school dropouts with no future. They are drug addicts and so on.
In my family though, we are all going to school and making a name for ourselves.
My father is the breadwinner of the family. He needs to retire now. He has been working too hard. My mother is a housewife. She had to. […]
Imagine a life without human relationships. No partners. No children. No close friends. No feeling of connection.
What is left?
What else can give a sense of meaning to the suffering we all face as part of life? If for some reason connections with others are ruled out, what is left in this vast, empty world that can hold any enduring significance?
I hate Facebook today.
Last night, I learned that a friend took her own life. Her Facebook page is full of pictures with her arms wrapped around her children, positive quotes, jokes, “happy” pictures with friends and deeply spiritual thoughts.
We post glimpses of our hearts not wide open pictures of our real life. We are careful not to show depth or vulnerability. God forbid that someone would see our flaws or pain.
I am learning that the keyboard becomes a template on which people […]
screwdriver. i like a phillips screwdriver. gets u fucked. star shaped for star children.
i dont do wodka straight unless i must. too many rough nights in 2013 shootin straight wodkuh. tonight imma enjoy this. it may very well be my last night. (: seriously i get intensely impulsive. i mever drink for the taste like a *****. i drink to get clobbered hammered and shit n pissfaced like a true alcoholic. drink drink drunk
glug glug glug me hearties
I recently heard, in audio precepts, a book I had long sought in my adolescence called Harnessing Your Emotions by Andrew Wommack. Although this is a Christian take on psychology, it did help me realize that our emotions are controled by our thoughts not the other way around. This in turn has aliviated me of social anxieties, personality disorders and psychological ailments. The populous runs with the idea of psychology that our cirumstances dictate how we should feel and act which becomes our excuse for destructive behaviour.
For those who struggle to smile or get out of bed, hearing that “you choose to be happy or […]
I wonder… I long for death.. and would welcome.it if it came so that it was not my who does the deed.. nor would I die without a struggle to go on.. this is in me. As I have proven for the last two years. I showed it with staying with the person who crushes me.. the person who took my sanitty.. or at least that what was left of it.
Some if if was taken by my family but at the age of 26 I was over it.. I mean it helped to meet her… The person who I wanted to marry. Cute, beautiful, sexy […]
It is tough for me to explain and on the added front, it is tough for other people to understand as well. In the end, I am another person who wants to die but at the same time hangs on.
I definitely did not grow up “usual”. I grew up best described as isolated on a farm. I am the youngest. I have two older siblings, a sister (5 years older) and a brother (7 years older). We attended church and I attended Sunday school which was the sole social interaction that I had for my first 5 or so years of life. It was extremely […]
….would be better if I wasn’t alive. I know suicide has been called selfish. I know that I think of it usually weekly for over 20years. Some weeks or months are worse than others. There have only been a couple months that I felt well enough that suicide didn’t cross my mind.
I am not a perfect mother, nor wife. I try but I am not a great cook or Suzy homemaker. I work full time and school full time and so the home suffers. I wish I could do it all. My mind and body are worn out. I have thought of the ways […]
You were good for nothing parents, and you made me want to kill myself countless times. You crushed whatever I built for myself just so you could feel superior. But I have to thank you for one thing. You have showed me how to not raise a child. I will never do to my children what you did to me.
Its so strange that i have a wife and 2 beautiful children and to anyone else they would think i have nothing to be depressed about but it doesnt work like that, i do love my children but i dont chose to have the feelings i do, it just happens and i cannot shake the dark days.
I did love my wife and hope i still do, by that i mean the depression is so overpowering it can cloud how i really feel about people so i dont know my feelings which is worse than knowing you do or dont love someone.
I often feel […]
I just don’t want to be here anymore. I want to close my eyes and wake up far away from here. I want the ocean to roar around me with every wave, as I watch them crawl up the sandy shore. I want to be in a dark hole in the ground. I want to have a place to hide, a door to shut, a place where no one can ever make me feel this way. I want things to just stop and go away, I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been so nice, and accommodating, but people still say I’m a ***** even though […]
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