So I’m back… It’s been over a year since my last post and at the current moment I’m not really suicidal. I’m just in pain and I’m scared. There’s a girl I used to be good friends with and she was kinda like my therapist and now we don’t talk. Over the past year my emotions have built up and now they’re starting to be released… Violently. And I’m scared. There’s a girl I wanna ask out but if she says yes, what if I accidentally go off on her? I don’t want to hurt her. I really like her. I’m just scared […]
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come back
can i just disappear? – sometimes i just want to disappear. – i wish i could disappear. – i want to disappear from my life. just be gone, as if i were never here. (the pearl) – i don’t want to kill myself, i just want to disappear. – i just want to stop existing. – i want to disappear into the night and never return. – i don’t want to die, i just want to disappear. – take me to neverland. – i want to fade away, like fog, melt like sugar, disappear. – sometimes i want to disappear. – sometimes i just want […]
I wake up in the morning feeling anxious. It gets so bad I feel physically ill. This causes me to miss a lot of work because I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, and I’m not feeling well. I miss work from this, plus the days I’m sick from other reasons. So it adds up. T and Z believe I’m faking because I can appear fine today and be out tomorrow and come back the next day. They don’t know it’s from anxiety though. I just tell them I’m sick. They wouldn’t understand if I told them the truth. You could tell me to […]
i really just can’t take the pain anymore. i’m almost done with therapy and it feels like every step forward i get, i take three back. i can’t live in a world where my ex doesn’t come back to me and i’m starting to believe he won’t.
i don’t have much access to anything. so my only options are suspension or jumping. i can’t seem to figure out suspension? theoretically, if someone jumped from the roof of their house, what’s the probablity they would die?
I haven’t been on SP for a long time, but I decided to come back and see how everyone is doing. I know that life is rough sometimes, but please stay strong and don’t give up. You’re all loved. 🙂
I’ve decided that I won’t kill myself on the 30th. After all, someone told me that one, my family and friends will be grieving and that if I kill myself, I might give a lot of people despair. Second, my dreams – to be a ballet dancer, to be friends with my crush (which is kind of weird to be placed here, heh), and to serve the country as a scientist – will all be lost when I die. Third is that I want to let other depressed and suicidal people live and know that we can all defeat our suicidal thoughts and not let […]
For those of you who don’t know me – Hi, I’m dawg. As I do from time to time I pop in and out of the SP world – for no particular reason other than I try to keep up with the many many great people who I’ve met with here in the SP world … again, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m old … much older than most who participate here – I point this out because I have a hard time remembering all the names, so I’m not going to list the multitude of names I’ve met here – but […]
I hate feeling so incredibly happy at the start of the day only to feel so down by the end of it.
I woke up yesterday feeling hopeful about a new day. Listening to upbeat music and making good breakfast. After previous night’s failed attempt, I felt a little better about myself and thought that maybe everything’s gonna be alright.
I met up with my bestfriend before going to school, to atleast calm my nerves and reduce anxiety. She told me how she got extra money as educational assistance from the local gov’t, I was pretty excited about it too since I could use the money. (tbh […]
The wind bit and pulled at her skin, tearing through her jacket and into her bones. But she was already cold. No, not from the weather- her soul was cold. And tired. Oh so fucking tired. She felt the chill in her heart and figured wandering about outside would chill her body to match. Dusk had settled on the hills, the light dimming rapidly as the northern wind snapped its icy jaws on her now-red cheeks. As her heart cracked, she stumbled, tears rolling down her face. But she couldn’t feel them. See, she was numb. Inside, and out. The earth was wet, but she […]
Today, for some reason, I could not stop thinking of her. I thought about her throughout the day as always, but when I got home, I napped and dreamed about her. After my nap the thought only got stronger. All I know is, I am never going to have her again the way we used to be… I’ll never forget when she told me, “…things aren’t going to be the way they used to be…” As much as I knew that was true, I didn’t want it to be. I wanted things to be the way they used to be but I ruined it. I […]
Why is it so hard to get mental help when you need it? I’m a college student with parents that don’t know that anything’s wrong, and $10 to my name.
I started going through what I needed to do to prepare to commit suicide…one of my friends caught on and told me maybe I should go get help. I said I would do it for her. It’s been an uphill battle trying to find someone to take my insurance, and being able to get an appointment. Most places don’t take appointments for the intake paperwork, so I have to miss a whole day of class for […]
I thought maybe over time I could forget about him. Just distract myself until I forgot. But it’s not even been 3 months since he left and now I’m just empty.
I feel nothing for anyone or anything. I don’t get irritated when customers complain at work . I don’t get mad over things that I’d usually be pissed off at.
I can’t even cry. I mean, I do the motions, but no tears come. I finally told my best friend this, just to let her know what was going on. Then she tells me that she had been hospitalized a year ago for trying […]
is to watch a loved one slip away inching closer to death. Sunday night I watched as someone I loved struggled to breath due to respiratory issues. I watched their eyes roll back and their body stiffen and their lips pale from lack of oxygen. I jumped up the first second I noticed it and immediately called 911. I then carried them and placed them on the floor  and did CPR trying with all my might to save them from death. I put an oxygen mask on their face and continued CPR until the paramedics arrived. They are alive but in critical condition and I […]
so ive been on autopilot to deal with depression for the last 4 years, but now with counselling and therapy I’m starting to come back to life. I’m noticing my feelings and the feelings of people around me. I look at my friend and she is just like I was, apart from shes not on auto pilot, shes feeling every ounce of pain and hopelessness. everything in my body wants to go over there and hold her, and tell her something, make the pain go away, cry with her, so she doesn’t feel so alone. but what do you say? what do you do? we […]
The other day I found myself staring at the ocean.. Waves coming in and breaking over my feet and then going back out again. This process was constant.. never ending. I found myself thinking about the vastness of the ocean and how i could easily get lost out there. There was something so majestic and beautiful about the feeling of the water crashing around my ankles and the feeling of the coarse rocky sand moving beneath my feet. I could taste the salt in the air and I could feel the humidity sticking to my skin.
And yet, in these simply beautiful, […]
I still think of you
more often than I’d like to admit
it still hurts to hear your name
i wish you’d leave my mind
sometimes I want to go after you
but I know that’s not what you want
i understand why you had to leave
I just wish you didn’t
I feel terrible for what I did
what I excepted of you was too great
I got too mad
said and did terrible things
im sorry, and I think you know that
you just don’t care
you left me to save yourself
and that’s ok
i just wish you’d come back
I miss you
I miss our friend ship
I wish things could go back to the way they were
but I know […]
After stating nearly a month ago that I wanted to participate in this community more, I’ve been silent. Part of it, I’m only slightly ashamed to admit, is damage to my ego: for some odd reason, I thought people would care more. That’s not supposed to an accusation against you, please understand: it’s just me overestimating my value. Overestimating myself has happened more often than I’d like.
Regardless, the majority reason I didn’t follow through on coming around here more is that my mood rebounded. September 2015 has gone really well for me: pretty much everything has broken my way, starting with getting closure on a […]
I wanted to kill myself this coming Friday. But then I got this email offering me some work. I don’t like to let people down. the work is scheduled for the Monday after my planned Friday. And I have all this “hope” inside that I can make things better, That should be a good thing, but I’m scared. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times. And after hope comes despair again. So many times have I decided on suicide but then decided against it only to come back to it again. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
I have to go to work in a couple of hours. I hate going there. I have to deal with constant sexual harassment from my boss. I’m quitting in a few weeks since he treats me like shit as well, he makes me do stuff that he can do, while he sits there watching dramas on his phone. I’m tired of being mistreated for 9 months and having to deal with the harassment without being able to tell anyone.
This morning my mom was awake early and noticed that I hadn’t taken my medicine at the time I’m supposed to so, she made me take it. […]
I’ve been at work since seven
I haven’t been able to even think about work clearly, because my mind is reminding me about my relationship
Reminding me of how stupid I am
How being a female, who’s over emotional already, shouldn’t act crazy for attention
How I made the love of my life walk away from me
How I asked him to please come back to me and he told me I was killing him…
but little does he know is that he’s killing me.
I found a box of razor blades.
one cut for every time I’ve called
their not big or deep cuts but they hurt
I’m not good at pain
idk what to […]