I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Â I have rarely thought this much. Â I’ve always been an intellectual, but now I am really looking at this from every angle. Â I do want you guys to know that I hope that you don’t give up if there is any inkling in you to want to live. Â I want you to fight for a better tomorrow, I really do. Â I want you to be well and happy and healthy. Â And I really believe you can get there. Â Most of your problems are situational or solved with medications and therapy. Â I really think there is a way out for […]
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Conversations
Words and whispers I can’t get to leave my head
The voices call; they want me dead
The asylum grows closer as I grow colder and the threat of pills stays my hand’s blade
One more mistake is all it takes to send me back, and kill my hopes of moving forward.
 My school work, my  job, it’ll all be over.
 Medicines will consume me, taking over my mind.
No longer will I find pleasure in writing lines or playing rhythms, the ability lost in the crusade of science and therapy.
Trust will be dismissed, me reverting to the life of a prisoner for two weeks then a man on probation for […]
She’s so damn beautiful.
I want to tell her that, everytime I see her.
But I’m just too wrong, too messed up, for someone as beautiful as her.
My friends are getting tired of me constantly brooding over her, but I can’t help it. Every time, any time I think about her, I get a heartache unlike any other. No amount of negativity can give me this sort of pain in my heart. I want her to be with me, but it seems that I’m not what I used to be for her anymore. We used to text late into the night, care about each […]
I’m having a tough time reconciling much of anything: the numbness I feel, the suffering inflicted on me and others, the deep, penetrating emptiness I feel… It’s existentialist really; I simply can’t find an explanation for the absurdity of this mockery of a life, this incessant suffering that undercuts whatever joy I have left, or, rather, had.
I was kicked out of the house by my dad a year ago after I got into it with him over his alcoholism and my apparent laziness and moved in with my mom and stepdad; however, I left home to live on my school’s campus (it’s a boarding/day school) […]
The reason my sleeping fucked up in the first place is because I’d spend countless nights awake, convincing my friend not to cut her arms, or take too many pills. I never wanted to wake my mum, brother and sister, so I’d hang out of my window to keep it quiet, this didn’t help the fact that the conversations with her were extremely triggering, and I’m already suicidal, and sitting in an open window. bad idea, right?
I skyped with strangers, making sure they were okay, friends from my area would tell me whats wrong, and I’d rush to their house to make sure they were okay. […]
I have never posted here before although I have been reading what others say for a while. I dont ever talk to the people in my life about emotions, feelings or anything else that I keep buried deep down inside myself in order to get through the day.
I have friends. I have friends that I never talk to, and friends that I talk to about small trivial things that are unimportant to me but I deem to be considered normal by society. Its important to me that I blend in and that no one notices that something is wrong. If people knew that something is […]
I’m 19 years old and ever since I can remember, I felt rejected. My father did not show any love. Instead, he decided to have multiple affairs and leave me and my mother every night to satisfy his sick needs. How can he choose random females over his family?! I can remember one day trying to be involved in one of my fathers and older sisters conversations..he looked at me and told me to get away. Not having that love and affection from my father sent me out seeking it. At 11 years old I invited these 2 boys over which were friends but i […]
I discovered this site yesterday through Google or something, I can’t really remember. Immediately, I thought I should become a part of it, whether to just help myself or to help anyone who needs it.
I would really like an online friend or something. Just someone I could speak to about all the difficult times and the things I’m thinking or feeling, and they could do the same. I could tell them all these things and it wouldn’t matter too much because I wouldn’t have to see them in person and have awkward polite conversation.
I’m not the person to speak to if you wish to just […]
“We Only Arrive At Ourselves In A Freely Chosen Death” Jean Améry
by Bodhisattva
written by Bodhisattva
“I have tried to view it from the interior of those who call themselves suicidal or suicidesâ€.
( Words from Jean Améry )
I just wanted to recommend this book which i know will be of interest to many of you,
I have found it quite difficult & frustrating to find serious, intelligent & quality critiques or books on other point’s of view about Suicide & this subject overall, as all i keep becoming drowned in is only the fucking Utilitarianism & Christian Inspired Philosophy which is very annoying & frustrating,
Anyway i hope some of you will check it […]
I got kidnapped by a friend yesterday, and somehow ended up in Wal-Mart (of all places) watching in horror as my sister Toni tore into some poor kid for asking if she was my mom. She’s only five years older than me, but…yeah. “Awkward” does not begin to describe that mess yesterday.
So, anyway, she storms out, leaving me and Dee to apologize and pick up the pieces and try to make a graceful exit. Then we come back here, and I start getting phone calls from my husband’s family. Apparently, to “punish” me for having the gall to look too young, my sister had called […]
they say fuck u
i say fuck them
they say go to hell
i say u go first
they say i have no guts to kill myself
i say watch me
they say i need them
i say look where i am with u
they say shut up
i say why dont u
they say we dont need u here
i say i dont need u either
they say they love me
i say thats FUCKING BS!
yes everything above has actually been parts of conversations i have with them, i honestly cant live with them no more. i need away from them…before its […]
“how are you?” I get this pang of sadness.
“Well I’m fine” I wonder why I woke up this morning. I wonder why I bother with any of it.
“Whats on your mind?“ how painful it would be to hang myself.
“Just thinking” I wish I would stop dong that.
“about what?“ Suicide
“nothing much” Why do I feel so depressed?
“how come you don’t want to talk?”cause all I can think of is why I’m not dead yet. Not much of a conversation, huh?
*silence*
“Fine. I’ll leave you alone” yes, please do.
“okay” Another moment and i’d start […]
Been thinking.
Too much.
How do you change your thought process? I’m not talking about just negativity, here. The way you think. I’ve been so analytical in my thought process that the only way to change is to constantly brainwash myself towards another way of thinking, and that’s what I need to escape from. I want to live in a more direct “Living by the moment for the moment”, not “Living in my brain about the moment in the moment”. I can’t just “live”. I don’t need a happily ever after either. Just normal conversations with a person. My father. My friend. Anyone. (Yeah, I’m a […]
Every night before I go to bed I hope that I don’t wake up, and every morning I wake up a little angrier than I was the day before because I woke up. I am not exactly sure the reasoning behind it, but I have felt this way for many years. The only emotion I ever feel or exhibit is anger. It is starting to effect the people around me but I really don’t care about the people around me or the people close to me. I care about nothing and haven’t for as long as I can remember. As far as I know there […]
So guys I know most the stuff posted on this site is depressing but I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine. He shot himself point blank in the forehead. Luckily people found him just a few minutes later and he was still alive. He was rushed to the hospital and put in ICU. Somehow either miraculously or whathaveyou he survived. No, he is not a vegetable either, actually now that inearly 6 months have passed, he is having conversations, standing up, solving difficult puzzles and going through physical and mental therapy. I hope to god […]
My wish is to not have been born. I’m not good at living. It exhausts me. Physically and mentally. I’m exhausted every day from simple things like having conversations. I don’t want to kill myself. That is, I like the thought, but then I think of how this would destroy my parents, and I just can’t be that selfish. It’s hard for me to be myself with people. And I wish I had one person I could feel totally at ease with. But I think I feel that myself is not good enough, or that I don’t know who “myself” is, and then I feel […]
Well geez…. i dont even know where to start. My parents fought since i was little. My sister would cover my ears so i wouldnt hear it. We moved to ohio in the 4th grade from Sacramento and i attended a private school. I was made fun of for being hyper as well as colorblind, being asked if i was retarded or gothic because i like black so i quickly learned to shut the fuck up and keep out of the spotlight. I transferred to public school in 7th grade and it was better but still not good but I guess all the suicide nonsense […]
I said: “Everyone has problems.”
You said: “You don’t. Your life is perfect.”
I didn’t argue.
But I did come on here right after you left and started writing this whilst inside me everything’s all jumbled up and messy and broken.
We all have our problems, okay. I might not have a horrible home life like you. I might not have been through the same things as you. But let me promise you: I have plenty of problems.
Yes, I have what looks like the perfect life- loving family, nice house, plenty of money etc. And I do actually have all of those things. My parents raised me perfectly and I […]
I’ve finally finished reading through all my posts on here in the last three years.
ALL 101.
It honestly doesn’t seem like I’ve been doing this for that long, writing on here. It seemed like just yesterday I didn’t know what I was going to do with all my thoughts and feelings of suicide, keeping them wrapped up in my head could only keep me sane for so long and I was afraid I was going to lose it completely, more so then I already had.
Then I found this site, a place where I could get all my feelings out, where I could talk to others who […]
because your words dear, resurrected me. and i have loved you, all this while. thank you, for bringing a man back from the dead
by meyoh
written by meyoh
i have loved words. their complexity. their vain reflection on the paper. their strokes on mcdonnald’s tissue paper as i sat by the corner with a black pen. the way they are tattooed on my thoughts. inked out of precise tune of delicate compilation of strings of grammatical compounds. their manipulative ways of tricking the ones who do not listen. words are by far the most genius and vilest invention. even so, i have loved words since the beginning. their binding ways of reaching out to their other halves, asking, begging to be complete. to be a sentence. their caring ways of understanding attitude. their […]