There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no […]
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ending it all
Hello. Today was a bit rough. I have a little under two weeks left for school. I just need to get through it. Around this time I get kind of depressed. I am never comfortable around people and school is the only time I am ever around people. When it comes to summer, I do my utmost to stay away from public places. However, I can’t help but feel kind of shitty when going back to that routine. It means I really am alone. When you have no reason to be around people, it means people have no reason to be around you. You are […]
Ive been thinking about suicide for a few months now. I’m at that age where everybody I knew is getting their corporate jobs, getting married and moving away. I’ve been thinking about suicide because I’m such a piece of shit. Social anxiety makes it hard to get/keep a job. I sit on my couch all day wondering how nice it would be having a good job, a loving family and friends. My mom thinks I’m a failure and I believe it. The only thing that’s kept me from ending it all in the past was wondering if she’d be able to take the shock, but […]
As I feel closer and closer to the end i have a sense of happiness and excitement for some strange reason. I don’t know if it’s the thought of leaving everything behind and not having to suffer any longer or what awaits me on the other side. Last night I sat in my room looking at old family photos and it brought a smile to my face of all those happy memories but now so distant and forgotten. I’m just not cut out for this world never have and never will be, so what’s the problem in me just ending it all now? I have […]
Today i woke up from a horrible dream. To stay up to cry about the baby i lost. And now 3 years later i look over to the one that saved me from ending it all with her relentless love and dedication but as fast as it came it left. It kills me when you give up your life to move across state to make their family yours its depressing when your treated like shit by the person your even here for in the first place. Its fucked up how people lie and deceive you over and over like have you any remorse?? I dont […]
I’m sorry for who I am. I’m sorry that I can’t let anyone close without pushing them away and hurting them, I’m sorry that I can’t make new friends or act like a normal human being for once. I am sorry that this sadness keeps coming back around and hitting me in the face with a baseball bat. I’m sorry that nobody understands or cares too. I’m sorry I’m manipulative.
and finally, I’m sorry that I found this site, for my constant neurosis and self loathing coupled with sadistic, sociopathic-type behavior. What am I supposed to do? You don’t care to understand, […]
Sorry if this is a total ramble but nothing makes sense anymore & I need to talk to someone. My entire life is completely fucked. The crazy thing is, I have to best mates and a boyfriend that care about me (at least I think they do) but none of them understand. I mean really understand. My dad died 8 years ago, my 15 year old moved out 9 months ago to live with my ***** mother (don’t even get me started on that subject!), I’ve been forced to rent out my two bedrooms to cover the rent (I’m living in the lounge), I have […]
For the past four years I’ve struggled with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression, but the thing is I think I had anxiety and depression before I even figured out I had it…5 years ago I was 15,lost and confused.. To start off my first year of highschool was a fail and I pretty much quit the first week, I went to one class everyday for a week because all of it was over too whelming for me and I didn’t understand why I figured you know it’s highschool it’s probably over whelming for everyone, but I knew it was different for me when I started thinking […]
Sometimes when I think about ending my life I find it beautiful in a way. I think it is because I feel that my life would finally make sense. All these past years of dealing with emotional pain would finally make sense. I just was not destined to live. I am so sick of being in pain, confused, not being able to think clearly about anything anymore. Thinking about ending it all makes me feel like my life would finally be… complete.
My Life has devolved to jerking off and working shitty Job I don’t like. I have lost interest in everyone and everything I hold dear. I am lonely, my lack of social skills precluded any chances of ever getting into a relationship. I had started a relationship with some girl but we separated because of my unenthusiastic depressed ass. I see her pics and she’s pretty thick now, I missed all that, she had charm too and everything I’d always wanted in a Women.
I’m generally a fucking mess. Anybody watched Phillip Seymour in the film Happiness? Yeah that’s me. My fucking life sucks. Fleeting thoughts […]
It’s a terrible statement but I never let it leave my side. That sickening realization that I’m done with this fight. Moments kneeling on the bedroom floor sickened by the entity I had absorbed, no more. I would not let the self-scrutinizing endeavor endure a precipice a monologue questioning my every motive. My disaster stricken heart feeling broken, my emotions quoted spilling out of a broken vase taking the place of what was once your emotion.
Diluted with tears, an open book scribbled with fears engraved pools of ink I’m vocally shook; and I’m tired of telling myself that it’s gonna change.
Taken by the spectacular lie […]
i don’t know where it all started i got so angry and so upset that i had an urge like no other i could never seem to bring myself to inflict harm on someone else so i started cutting. oh my gosh at the instant relief you get so i just kept doing it again and again and again. my first time was with a tack cause i was 14 and did have anything else at the time. then i got older got a pocket knife never cut directly over the wrists i did want to really kill myself just wanted the pain to go […]
Now I’m the one who wants to do the abandoning. Partly because this way, I’ll have nothing that keeps me from ending it all anymore. Seems counterproductive, doesn’t it? After all, when we’re at our worst, we benefit from remembering the things that motivate us to stay alive. It’s not like that for me. My relationship with my girlfriend, the few friendships I entertain, the big projects I have organized for the second half of this year… They don’t seem like reasons to wake up in the morning, but like handcuffs that keep me tied to this life I don’t want.
I don’t know if it’s […]
I think we all ask ourselves is what if we just hold on one more day, one more week, etc. It’s that natural survival question we all ask ourselves, and it’s probably while we are all still here today. I know it’s why I am. Those lonely nights I had dozens of bottles of stockpiled medications sitting right near my bedside, those nights I had access to firearms, those nights where I could’ve jumped off a tall building. I’m still here because I still have that survival instinct asking me what if? What if things get better one day? I know it’s not going to […]
Like so many of the posts I read here, I simply don’t know what I hope to get out of wrighting this. Maybe it’s the knowing that unlike your faded and tear staind journal… Someone will see this. Some one might understand. Maybe it’s just satisfying the attention craving victim looking for emotional handouts… Who gives a shit
Unlike so many fellow souls spilling thier hearts out for the faceless masses to see I feel detached from the depression handbook. Aside from mild childhood depression and a exepionaly controling mother I’ve had it ok. Made the journey through highschool with honors and friends. Needed to shape […]
Haven’t posted in a long time. Been busy making preparations for my next (hopefully last) attempt at ending it all. Lately have had time to only read a few posts and leave a comment or two.
I was thinking earlier how long it has been since the last time I can remember being myself. Not this broken down version I have become. The old me. The real me. The human me. Not the zombie I have been the last year.
Those of you that have followed my posts, know my story well. My ex-fiancée and her kids abandoned me and erased me from their lives. She went […]
I’ve been on the same routine now for almost 3 months now. I wake up, have a shower, go to college, and think about nothing else except taking my own life. I barely manage to get out of my own bed. I don’t feel motivated to do anything anymore, and I’m hanging by a thread. Loneliness and misery is all what I have left. I have no friends, no girlfriend, my family doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me. I’m all alone. The only thing that manages to make my face light up is food. The only time I feel happy is when I eat. […]
This is probably the first time that I’ve ever posted somewhere about the issues regarding life‚ hey I’m sure everyone has them‚ but I’m atthe verge of contemplating ending it all.
My childhood was kinda great‚ until the point Ialmost got molested by a guy my dad worked for at the age of 10 thankfully I got the idea what he was “doing”. Another instance was where a distant older cousin she did molest me a little but I’m not sure its like a vague memory I’ve trapped which comes back only in bits I was a 11 year old boy then. I am the youngest […]
Like most people here I have reached the end of my rope. My world is crashing around me and I cant hold on anymore. In the past year I have lost everything about myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t even know who the person staring back is. I have gotten so good at pretending that everything is ok and that I don’t cry when I am alone. The thoughts of suicide that use to be few and far in between have now taken a permanent residence in my head.
I saw the signs and yet I ignored them. There is no one to […]
We are all doomed to die sooner rather than later, why not just end it now? Seems to save the hassle of spending every day feeling nothing but loathing yourself. Saves the daily heartbreak of knowing no one could ever love you. With the pull of a trigger or a step off a building it could all end. Yet for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m that much of a coward. And its not the pain that scares me, its surviving. What could be worse than surviving such a traumatic event? The possibility of actually being able to see your family […]
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