As a child, I always thought that everyone hated me, that the little kindness they showed to me was out of sense of commitment. This is strictly concerneing my family though, I never felt this from strangers. Members of my family abused me sexualy and when I went to the other members for help they dismissed me, as a reuslt I never trusted family. As I grew I realised that family really felt mostly a sense of commitment except two of them. I remember telling myself in my youth I would either die crazy or kill myself, since I was 10 earliest I remember and […]
I sit here hating myself for being myself. I try everyday to live to be happy, but nothing ever works. The realization of the fact that the one person you love so much will never love you back torments me and leaves me unable to move. I pray for the torment to end.
He says I don’t try enough and he gets mad at me. But I know not what to do. I do what anyone deeply in love does when they are hurt by the one they love…I cry. I cry a river that turns into an ocean. My bloody tears mean nothing anymore because […]
The time has come, the 11.30 train will be here soon and then i will have to face my fear
Being alone for ever
I want to do it.
On monday, im planning again…. Apart from this time i haven’t made the mistake of telling ‘Everyone’. So my intention is to travel to a bridge…and you can probably guess the rest….
Life has not gotten better, its gotten worse? My OCD has. Fear of things are coming back…and my hands can tell you that, they don’t appreciate soap as much as i thought they would….
My family know ‘Everything’…at least thats what they think, they’re some things i havent told anyone….and probably never will….It has just made life awkward, and the arguements don’t stop, either about me or about my dad.
My new […]
Im young. Im young, so young and I know I have so much to live for.Â
But I have a destroyed childhood, and family that has lied to me since I could process things through my mind. A mother who cares about herself more than her daughters, who is willing to let her children be molested; verbally and physically beaten. A father who has continuously filled his daughters with hate by verbally, physically and mentally abusing them alongside with their mother. My mother will soon be filled with severe Alzheimer’s and she won’t have me or my sister to help her. Which is just another burden […]
When i want to feel the love that everyone surrounds me with , I can’t . I feel so alone and empty , i wish i knew a way out that does not involve hurting myself . I just want everything to be okay again . I do not want anxiety , fear , pain , sadness, or anything . I just want to be … well i don’t know what i want to be . If i cant be lonely and upset , what else is there?
As the title says nothing beats everything I am dealing with now. My babies are all split up and their hearts are shattered. In turn their pain rings so loudly to me. I had to rock my crying 6 year old little girl to sleep in a hotel room before I took her back to her father. I am disabled and incapable of providing a stable home for my children. I am going to an online university and I find it mundane and pointless. Feeling guilty is something that runs rampant in my heart and the feeling of complete inadequacy fills me to the brim […]
I’m at the point of my life right now where I’m between childhood and adulthood and pretty soon I’ll be entering the real world. I’m scared about what I’m going to do with my life and I feel like I have nothing to offer in life, that I shouldn’t even be here right now because I’m useless and can’t do anything right. I feel pretty insignificant and scared to tell anyone about it in fear of the reaction they’ll have when I tell them. I’ve already gone through three therapists and none of them have really helped, or more like me thinking that I’m fine […]
So after much (or not) thought, I’ve decided to just go through with it. I’m going to eat my 50 monkshood seeds and see where I go. It seems this is the only viable option now. It’s either that or the 350 nightshade seeds, but Erowid turned me off from the nightshade since it seems to trip you up instead of actually killing you. I’m shaking with fear at the thought of the pain to be honest. All accounts I’ve read from poison plants have been extremely painful, so I’m worried that I might end up screaming, which might alert my neighbours, so I’ma do […]
its hard to hear others tell me everything is going to be ok. ive been waiting for a year and a half for everything to be ok. i’ve ruined my relationship with my boyfriend because of smoking weed and other stuff. now this adds more weight onto my shoulders and gives me more reasons to be depressed and feel suicidal. i know i could never have the ability to do that to my family but i lash out. ive tried to cut my wrist take sleeping pills and choke myself. i feel really embarrassed about these things but im stuck in a shit hole. i […]
Ok..my day was going good, until I walked into a restaurant and saw my ex husbands family. It shouldn’t bother me, knowing they were not the ones hurting me..but of course it still ruined my day. I know in my heart that ive loved all I can..tried the best I can so why can I not get over the feeling of betrayel and sadness. Ive worked all my life..never went on vacation unless I paid for it myself. Took my ex a few places..even out of the country but he never wanted to take his family anywhere..including mcdonalds. His girlfriend and him would keep me […]
A couple of years ago I was a completely normal person. I was happier and my life seemed normal. I laughed a lot and I loved my family. I concentrated on them, because they were my life. Years passed, and things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve always had depression looming over me, but never this dark. I’ve always had anxiety, but never this painful. I’ve always been afraid of the outside world, but never this bad. Now, I am looking up ways to kill myself. And I have no where to turn.
I am a 21 year old with nothing going for her. If you knew […]
My feelings about suicide after a beloved family member took their own life in 2012.
Happier Times
December 16, 2008 – Tuesday […]
I am finally ready to physically die. Â I always knew that eventually the pain of being alive would be worse than the fear of dying. I can’t take it. Â I have to face the reality of my life. Â After more than 40 years, no one has ever been in love with me. Â I just can’t keep putting myself through each new day knowing that no one will ever touch me. Â I am disgusting and worthless. I don’t even have God anymore. Â How can I love Him when I know he doesn’t love me? When I know that he created me as this unlovable thing? […]
Words of wisdom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Na9-jV_OJI
Ok, so next week, I have two major exams. And I’m terrified. Sitting in the same place for at least an hour and a half with so many people surrounding and staring at me, OCD has just made it worse, what with fullstop routines and my fear of writing in pen, which I have to do for the exams. I obviously don’t want to fail but my mind is telling me that I will.
I know that I wont be able to use a pen.
I have also developed a major fear of death, which is weird for a suicidal person… I basically think about it all […]
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I…?Â
Insecure
Self destructiveÂ
Afraid to grow up
Nervous
Delusional
Crazy
SchizophrenicÂ
Proud
Dissociative
DilapidatedÂ
Narcissistic
Misaligned
Inoperable
Anorexic
FailureÂ
DisappointedÂ
Nostalgic
ConflictedÂ
Non-committed
Addicted
Afraid
Fearless
Normal
Perfect
Relentless
Depressed
Suicidal
Genius
Mad
Insane
I am!
There is something wrong with me!
I want to be committed to cure my ailments. I am of clear thought of body and mind for all pertinent matters. My fear of seeking help is loss of respect from my family, social status, future, but most of all, my 2nd amendment right to bare arms. I shall stand naked holding my weapon of choice and I will […]
Right now in my life things are not the best. I thought i got over the bullshit and hurtfull things in my life but spending a few days with your family brings it all back [I went on vacation with them for 10 days] and still they haven’t changed i mean yes we all live in the same house but i don’t see them at all because i hate being around them my dad and i never see i to eye and he is always telling me that am a […]
It is sad that now I don’t feel like I’m a “human” anymore, or want to be associated with a being called “human”. I mostly hate humanity nowadays, and have become a Misanthrope, and disillusioned as well with this so-called “real world”. it sucks, and Humanity, though I used to believe it has so much hidden potentials, yet now I unfortunately can’t help but feeling Humanity is largely hopeless: we’re destroying our own Planet, animals, and even killing our fellow species over some stupid, close-minded, most ignorant & selfish, senseless reasons..
Can anybody here relate?…what to do then?…
Here’s a complete and detailed ‘rant’ of mine, if […]
I’m suicidal again, four years I’ve been depressed as far as I can remember. Had low self esteem for longer and I kept hearing and reading things WILL get better. I understand everyone is different, but I can’t go on hoping I will find happiness. I don’t want to wait another year, so unless I think otherwise or something along the lines of my not suiciding because I never take chances (by the way, I never take chances). I will probably ***** out, because I am afraid of taking my own life.
I was watching No Strings Attached and decided to stop watching near the […]