My doctor thinks I might have an endocrine disorder since my hormones are somewhat off and due to some “symptoms” that I have like hirsutism, excessive sweating, and slight edema in the face. I just thought that I was a hairy person (although the facial hair is relatively new), that lamictal caused the sweating (and hot flashes), and that that was just how my face is genetically (somewhat “pudgy”). I don’t see an endocrinologist until the 14th, but she went ahead and prescribed me metformin- supposed to help regulate my hormones. When I see the endocrinologist I’ll probably have more blood work done to see if maybe […]
Tag:
feels
So I had someone, who told me over and over they would be here to listen when I’m on the edge, and help me get help that I needed. I needed time, going and getting help during the holidays where I live is next to impossible. Most places are closed until January. I told him that over and over and over. Yet yesterday, he abandoned me. Told me I can’t speak to him until I’m getting help. The help he promised he would be there with me to get. Now I get to do it on my own. Like I told him I was scared […]
The sadness is a heavy weight in my chest, a deep empty feeling.
It’s better than being angry, I think, but this pain is so consuming. If I’m not actively distracting myself (and even sometimes when I am) I can just feel her absence, the loss.
I don’t want to feel this way. I’m so tired of being sad. And even worse, I think I’d be happy if my heart wasn’t broken. After ten years I finally feel like my depression is lifting, but I still feel incredibly sad anyway.
It still feels unreal, that she left. She’s my best friend- I was her best friend- and I thought […]
I want to die at the same time i want to live. I want to go forever in peace but I want to explore life in different perspectives. I live in hell, and everyday is a battlefield and i want to feel what heaven feels like. I’m craving for some time alone. I want to go to a place away from socialization, i want to walk away from everything even just for a while. Sometimes, i want to live and every moment, i’m searching for peace.
Hasn’t felt like Christmas today at all, haven’t felt that so-called Christmas spirit throughout the run up to today at all this year. Seen so many photos of other people being happy today, and it just deflates me even more. Had messages from a few people saying “hope you’ve had a good Christmas” but ended up just ignoring and not replying cos there’s no way of really explaining to them how I’m really feeling. Feels like crap like any other day. Will be the same tomorrow. Wake up, feel like crap for the whole day, go to sleep, repeat. What a great life.
I feel like I’m different .
I don’t have an opinion on anything . Nor do I have a passion. I’m not good at anything . Not having a opinion for anything is boring .I’m so fucking bored.
And I’m tired . I had a short class today before the holidays and i got home at 10 and slept until now (7pm) I’m debating whether or not to sleep again. I can feel my eyes drooping.
I just hate that I feel like I don’t feel for anything and I feel nothing . & these thoughts make me feel like a looser .
I can’t even explain […]
everday i wish i was dead. my self image or self perception has gotten worse. everytime i look in the mirror, I realize why no one likes me. I try to avoid looking in mirrors or my reflections or pictures..etc just so i can get through the day specially on school days. this past month the feeling has gotten worse, and it feels like every day is a challenge, and idk what to do anymore i just want to give up so bad. my uncle just died, my mother struggles to pay for the funeral, and she’s been so depressed lately, 2 funerals would damage […]
Ah man, me again, I know, very sad. Either way, here’s some stuffs I wrote about what’s been going on with me lately, if ya’ll care to read it.
by thelost
written by thelost
A Beast
A beast with a silver tongue
A heart of fool’s gold
A body covered in scars
A mind full of pain
Lies hidden behind pretty words
Pain hidden behind false smiles
Eternal loneliness
These are what the beast lives with
The darkness questions
Where’s your strength
How dare you feel this way
What gives you the right
The darkness says he deserves it
Maybe he does
After what he has done
Does he deserve forgiveness
His soul cries out
Begs for the darkness to leave
Anything, as long as it will leave
The darkness only digs in deeper
Escape is all he wants
There is only one way
It is to lie down in a coffin
And that’s the way the beast likes it
I Don’t Know How […]
I’m a really shitty person. I don’t feel like I’m salvagable at this point. There isn’t a future version of me that should be able to be happy. Some people really should just die, and I feel like I’m one of them.
I don’t want to die. But it feels right, to a part of me. By continuing to live, I’m resisting the recognition of who I really am, and what should happen to me. I’m making the world worse, just by continuing to be in it.
The thought of a world without me in it is appealing, even though I wouldn’t be around to enjoy it. […]
I get a bit depressed any time I’m away from the other Buddhists. I mean, it’s exhausting for me mentally and physically to chant for 6 hours on Sundays. That was just today. Its normally 2 hours and even then I feel I’m about to pass out. My disabilities get in the way of everything in life. The worst part is when you’re poor, you can’t get anyone to say you’re disabled, because they don’t want you to get any benefits. A middle class or rich person who went through what I went through would have been handed a wheelchair from day 1. I was […]
Sighs recently i guess I’ve been doing anything to feel honestly now I’m just a piece of meat when i look in the mirror, first i did nothing but cut then i got to the point where i don’t feel it anymore it feels good sometimes, sex made me feel good so i had as much as i could get but now i just feel dirty and used (yeah guys can feel that way) and now i don’t know what to do ive cut as much as i could fit without it being too obvious now I’m just tired all the time recently I’ve wanted […]
I’ve said numerous times that I felt crazy, but nothing compares to this.
I feel so impulsive it scares me, like I can barely control myself. The anxiety is near constant and so overwhelming that my body becomes s0 physically agitated that I can’t stand it- at times I’ll cry and clutch my stomach, writhing in mental and sometimes physical pain.
I am so angry and sad and betrayed and- it feels like there is too much going on in my head. I know, rationally, I don’t want to lash out in anger, but the urge and pain is so strong. I know, rationally, that I could get through […]
I don’t know what I’m looking for from this, a place to get everything off my chest to hopefully clear my mind. This is going to be a long post.
I’m 17, male, currently attending a school that specialises in Mathematics, I’m studying Mathematics, Further Mathematics, Physics and Computer Science for my A levels. I have links to a cyber security firm who will give me a scholarship and put me through a computer science degree should I choose to go to university. I also have a huge interest in nuclear energy and want to see if I can get a job in that field. My […]
Today, as I wracked with sobs, hiding from my parents and my visiting friend, never have I ever wanted to be dead as much.
I am so angry-sad that, in the first time I can remember, I was so close to being truly happy only to have it snatched away literally weeks before it could’ve happened. I could’ve been not depressed (or significantly less so) and still be engaged to the woman I love. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Even after everything I’ve been through, this might be the worst. Maybe because I was so close to being happy, that it was actually attainable. […]
You hope I’m okay? Yeah, I hope you are too. I’m not sure of much these days I’ll say that is for sure. You know? I guess sitting here in front of the river it’s like you’re way over there, on the other side. I see you, you see me and we both see this chasm between us. I definitely feel it. It feels like a closed chapter if I had to articulate it. I woke up from a nightmare that lasted for months. I woke up to my normal nightmare, that is. But you have no idea how waking up to you across this […]
I feel so heart-broken, that even having my depression improve doesn’t feel important to me. I want to be happy with my ex-fiance. It feels so cruel for my depression to maybe finally lift a little, only to lose the most important person to me. I feel like a part of myself is missing.
It just all feels so impossible. Like it can’t be happening. Or that it shouldn’t be happening. I just can’t stand it.
I have a friend coming to visit me. I invited him because I really need a friend, in person, right now. I don’t have any local friends. But I don’t know […]
I feel weird.
Still grieving the loss of my fiance. Still feeling the anxiety and physical pain that comes with it. Still having moments where I feel like I can’t breathe because I think about her and how everything we had is gone. I alternate between feeling incredibly sad and angry. I miss her so much, she’s my best friend, but then I’m angry too, feeling so betrayed that she could even do this.
Then there’s the TMS. I only just started the treatments this week and everything I’ve read about it says that results aren’t seen until about three weeks in. And yet I feel different. It […]
It’s Hard
It’s hard, nearly impossible, to describe the way one feels when they are with her. It cannot be grasped from a single emotion or moment in time, but comes from knowing her. How when you talk to her, you can be honest, but you cannot be ignorant. Or the little jokes and common things that always seem to be there. A humor with the occasional sadistic twist. Difficulty to make her smile, even in the best of times. Her insistence on making everyone wear a seatbelt in her car, no matter what the distance may be. Something that isn’t quite being cold, but isn’t […]
I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how […]
This day turned out great for me. At first, i don’t really believed that this whole “Team Building” event thing won’t help me to find my happiness. But surprisingly, it did. I felt so happy because i have my friends as a team. This whole thing actually made me forget (even just for a day) all the pains hiding inside me. This day is really worth treasuring! It’s been a while since i felt this genuinely happy. For once in your life, did you ever came to a point where you don’t want some days to end because you know that it will take a […]