I just came out to my Dad tonight. I did not plan that at all. Came up totally unexpected. He came to talk to me because he noticed I was depressed and struggling and eventually things led to wanting to come out to him. I was so scared. I knew it was something I needed to do though. It took me so long to get it out. He’s a super conservative Catholic…so you can see why I would be scared shitless. He took it surprisingly calmly. But I don’t feel the relief I wish I had felt. I still feel like he doesn’t fully accept […]
I’m relatively new to this site, but thought I’d take my turn to publish a post. The reason I’m on here tonight is because I am really struggling at the moment. I am really having strong urges to end my life. I don’t want to kill myself, yet I don’t want to continue living this life that I have created for myself. Very contradicting sentence, isn’t it? I just feel so alone. And I know isolation plays a big part in it, but even with people I still feel incredibly alone. I hate myself so much. I hate my body and my mind. I wish […]
I’m 21 years old…a college dropout, jobless, single, and I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago after trying to hang myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and PTSD in 2010 and every time I try to get help it fails. My meds aren’t working and the past two days have been an emotional nightmare as I’ve been preparing to take my life. I don’t want to be talked out of it either…I just want to share my thoughts before I do it.
I’ve been severely depressed since I was a young child. My father was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive […]
How long has it been since I’ve heard your name out loud.. How long has it been since I’ve thought of you..? I’ve buried you down deep in my heart so one day when I can finally come to terms with my own suicide I can think of you… How many times have I carved your Initials in my flesh? How many days have past since you lost yourself? I only wish that you were here to guide me through everything… I’m like a child… still doing childish things… wanting to make adult choices… Jason… I miss you so much… Why did you have to […]
Nobody WANTS to understand.
Society’s just a big shambles.
Everybody cares when you’re dead.
What’s the point?!
“Can the lonely take the place of you?”
I’ll forever be fine in your eyes. I don’t hurt. I don’t cry. I don’t cut my skin. I don’t want to die. I’m not unhappy.
I don’t think about killing myself every single moment of every single day.
I believe so. My ex thinks that my suicide is foolish because I am lying to myself by thinking that he was my only happiness. He says that no one person can be the source of another’s only joy in life. Then how come I’m contemplating suicide for the first time ever? How come I’m so sad?
I have no family. I have no friends. I have no life, and now I don’t have him. Pathetic, I know. What’s more pathetic though is how long I’ve been haunting this website declaring my death and have no courage to actually do it. No courage to live, no […]
I wrote here 3 years ago about my pain and about my suicidal thoughts. When I look back at those days from now, I see a human that has fallen to betrayal, mental and emotional abuse. I was a kind, caring and loving person. I used to help people as much as I can and try to make things right. None at that time did really care but I did my best regardless. Then I was betrayed by my girlfriend and members of my family. Most friends did not seem really to care. Others just made things seem easy. Honestly speaking I was […]
It seems people don’t
care anymore.
Every night I cry, waiting for the day when my suffering ends. But I can’t wait. Its alnost my birthday, but what do I get? Beatings and insults that’s what. My name meant happy. But I never feel that way anymore. I was never destined for happiness. My name should have meant suffering.
“We’re all lying to the mirror, lying to ourselves.”
i wonder if i do it all by myself
make my life harder than it needs to be
make it more confusing
more complicated
and yet, all the more pointless
i find no joy in the things that used to make me happy
while i find no joy in new things either
and so no joy is found
perhaps the person in charge of the treasure hunt for my happiness overestimated me, and hid my happiness in the stars
or perhaps they got distracted by the stars, and forgot to hide my happiness anywhere at all
Ever since I was 12 I wanted a wife, kids, and to be a doctor.  It was the perfect life to me, to have all that happiness as soon as possible.  I’m with the girl of my dreams, the girl who can be the one.  She even use to say she wants all of that…with me.  Starting two months ago though she seems to be ignoring me and not talking to me like she use to.  The anniversary rituals seemed to have stopped.  I went to the hospital today and she was worried and was talking to me more than she has been.  It made […]
i think i went over a month without cutting. now i’ve done it nearly every day for 5 days. My head hurts, my mouth hurts, my throat hurts… i think i’m just forcing myself to live until my next shrink appointment. is that the way my life is going to go? making myself resist suicide until the next month’s appointment? i’m such a loser. i have so much cleaning to do, so much happiness to fake. stuck between wanting to eat and wanting to starve, but wanting and doing are two different things. i will always eat, because food is all i’ve really got.
It doesn’t hurt to grow up poor. It doesn’t hurt when your daughter is born with medical problems. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your father died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your step-father died. It doesn’t hurt when you sacrifice happiness for duty. It doesn’t hurt having your dog put down. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your grandmother died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your “other†mother died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your uncle died. It doesn’t hurt when you sacrifice happiness for others. It doesn’t hurt watching others destroy what you built. It […]
I am tired of studying, I’m tired of working, paying my bills, doing the dishes, crossing the street. I am tired of my morning coffee. I am tired of making small talk while watching your fake face smiling at me. I’m tired of all the mundane little inconveniences of being alive… I am tired of doing the laundry, reading books, brushing my hair, I am tired of caring, smiling, pretending and all the other symptoms of life…. my ears are going deaf listing to your lies and my lies, my eyes are going blind from you betrayals and my betrayals. Stop,,, I want it all […]
Lock the key to my heart. Never again will I let my pain start. Its now just healing, no sorrow to show, that love can hurt. But I will grow into the women that I know. Sometimes love will let you go…Hold your breath, forget,forgive. And it will show he’ll miss you dearly when you go. Be the person your happy to be. Until death takes part, when you’ll be let free. Freedom does last, it does show. Everyone has their opinions, so just let it go. Tomorrow is another chance to show to just have fun being me, until ill let go. Sometimes I […]
I can’t  cry. I can’t read. I can’t write. I can only think. What am I? A mute? A social deficit defiling the medium? I don’t want to talk about it, because then it doesn’t mean as much. I can only keep myself moving.. barely. Going through the motions. Why must the motions take so much away from everyone around me? Why must I have problems with eatting? Why can’t I be beautiful and healthy? Why is there no normal to be attained? I even put on our song to evoke the rolling storm, but the tears never came. They did the exact opposite actually. […]
Garrett’s moving. I’m never going to see him again. It just makes me want to tell him how I feel… But I just can’t. I won’t be hurt again. I refuse. I deserve better. I fucking deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. Â Or maybe I don’t. I mean, how much can be taken away before I have nothing? I feel like I’m completely gone already. I feel like my heart’s been cut out. Ripped out, more like. I just want Garrett… I really do. But he’s gone. Today was his last day. I should have told him. But I […]
I am glad I found this site. I am relieved at being able to express my feelings here. It’s bad that so many people are in such deep pain, like me… But it is good to know that people here understand this deadly pain. You are special to me. You who keep this site running. You who offer to talk personally. Especially you on the Chat whom I have a special place in my heart. Thank you for the happiness. I truly love you for you.
Stay Real
Hi, I dont know who to talk to or who to open up to because my pain is my pain. And no one can ease that pain. I sit here and I think that the people that said they love me or care for me but where are they now. It’s true, I’m going to be alone and no one to cry to or tell me we are going to get through this together. W hy have these men come into my life and took that one thing I CHERISHED. Therevare times whereby I just want to find that one blade that will end my […]
Im sorry I can’t be perfect. I’m sorry I’m not happy. I’m sorry I was raped. I’m sorry I won’t eat. I’m sorry I cut. I’m sorry I won’t talk to anyone. I’m sorry I lie. I’m sorry you can’t tell I’m dying inside. I’m sorry I hide behind a smile.
It seems like it’s been that way for awhile now…me, hiding behind fake happiness. Trying to make everyone think I’m happy. But people have seen my cuts. People are starting to talk. They’re finding out, they’re gonna try to help me. I don’t want help.
So I’m really sorry.
I’m sorry I’m lost. I’m […]