Which is not an easy thing to say, since it was about this same time last year that I was feeling the same way. My “Bete Noir” {Black Beast…it’s what I call my depressed self. I’m bipolar and my depressed self is NOT ME. This much I know to be true…} has surfaced and I’m in worse shape this year. I’ve lost my home; was fired from my job; lost everything I owned that was in storage for the past few years because I couldn’t afford the fees. Still have my old car but haven’t been able to afford insurance, so my license is probably […]
Where do i start well first and most importantly i love my family but sometimes i feel they dont love me back.I have been having these thoughts for a while now,everything in my life is just gone wrong.For one i cant find a girlfriend but that’s mostly because deep down inside im really afraid of rejection.My sister is on dyalisis and needs a kidney,so me and my mother take of her together because my sisters father was deported a while ago and he has never took […]
I’m a piece of shit. All I do is manipulate people, all day, all the time. It’s so easy to get people to do exactly what you want. Working in sales, getting promoted at work, constantly getting people to lend me money, favors, it’s way too easy. I really needed money the other day so I told myself I would get this chick that likes me at work to offer me the money without even asking, it worked, and I walked home laughing about it. I don’t have the emotions I used to, it’s fuckn weird. Getting chicks into bed is probably the easiest. It’s […]
Thursday.
Thursday 19th March 2015.
“Loving son and brother.”
Someone will call it. Time of death.
Someone will have to make that awful call. Your son is dead.
People will have to tell people.
Some will be sad.
Some will be relieved.
Some won’t know how to feel.
So many things that could go wrong.
Extremely durable leather belt could snap.
Steel bed frame could break.
Lack of oxygen to my brain might not kill me.
Nothing will go wrong.
End of the road.
Home stretch.
No words of persuasion, please.
my head hurts. i’m very depressed. i feel that fog descending on me again…
it’s 7:07 pm and i want out of this life. i want to be gone. i know it’s probably wrong of me to feel this way… i must be pretty selfish to even consider it. many people would tell me so… i mean, what about my family, right?? especially my mom… she would be wrecked if i did this to her… i am her ‘rock’, her only support. but, at the same time, i cannot help it. i feel this pull, this urge to go… i want so badly to go… […]
I am ashamed to live in this generation. I am ashamed to like in the U.S. I am ashamed to live in this world.
It’s disgusting. Women or men murdering their childern for their own selfish needs. Teenagers getting pregnant just to give the child to their mother to take care of while they go out and party. Grown men attacking teenaged boys and girls because they don’t like the way they dress. Grown women with fucking kids acting like a goddamn child that doesn’t get their way. Or these outrageous standards that most women put for men, or vise-versa.
Teachers raping or molesting their students. Teachers and/or […]
They think you’re crazy.
They think you’re mad.
They call you stupid, worthless, tell you you’re not worth it.
Now you’re walkin’ back, to a place you call home,
but you feel so alone.
The same hurtful hits, it’s your darker place.
In your virgin ears, the remarks they make.
And if they, if they really knew all of those things.
That you do in your room, to hide the pain.
I bet their minds would change.
I’ll bet their minds would change.
They’d change, If they knew the pain.
I believe in these scars, I believe.
I feel so alone and like there is nothing left for me to do anymore. I do not see a point of me being here. I am going to plan things accordingly.. Until then.. I am going to do what ever it is to be okay but I need to figure out a better method. I do not like to put a lot of thought into it because sometimes I get scared about what ever it is that could go wrong and I would still be here. I hate that I have to suffer inside and that no one at school or at home sees […]
Can I do this? Can I keep on pretending that everything is alright when it’s not? Life is to hard to even carry on and yes I am a teenager but not with a young mind I know life is hard I know there will be struggles but when you have no-one beside you to help you through those struggles it gets tough and horrible like you can’t do anything good like your always in the wrong. Which possibly could be true that I can’t do anything right however if their not related to me why should they have the power of judging me by […]
This hits home so much for me. One struggling for so long when both sides are starting to crumble into one. One side the girl so happy, bubbly, full of life, always smiling or making others laugh. Then the other side of her. The one that cries her self to sleep at night, the one that cuts and self harms herself to keep her pain and emotions under control to keep her from crying out, the one thats hurting on the inside and feels like […]
I figured I’d see if there were 101 reasons why we’re no longer friends, trying to counter the other post. Psychiatrist says I need a more balanced view of things, so here goes…
1) Me
2) Physically we’re so different.
3) You said you could never be friends with someone as vile as me. Why did I ever forgive that?
4) You are so comfortable with who you are…
5)… I will never be comfortable with who/ what I am.
6) We argued so much.
7) We’re both childish, me more so.
8) I was in a horrible place in my life when we first met.
9) You remind me too much of him.
10) […]
I am constantly berated by people for my [previously] unexplainable hatred for children. Everything about them annoyed me to my core. They are whiny, immature, uncivilized, and rude. I hate the very nature of children. Go ahead and share your disapproval of my opinions of kids, it’s not like I’m used to being called every name in the book.
Today, I had a remarkable realization. I never had a childhood. I was constantly expected to act like an adult no matter what age I was. I remember a particular time where I was very ill. I was bedridden and I was complaining to my mother about […]
I don’t know what to do with my life. My life is so monotone. I go to university everyday, I don’t even know what would I do with all stuff I learn in university. I go to university everyday, I attend the class then go home straight away. I go to university everyday, but I don’t have any friend. I go to university everyday, but I don’t know what will I do after I graduate.
I love looking above the sky, seeing the clouds moving and changing shapes. I love looking above the sky, seeing the sun shines brightly. I love looking above the sky, thinking […]
There’s a lot of posts that go through here, so I expect that the people who read this post didn’t read my earlier one… I promised to say something if I somehow didn’t go through with my suicide. Well, long story short, my ex-girlfriend stopped me, and said to me that she ‘loves me’ and ‘cares’ about me deeply. I knew in the back of my mind that she had to say that whether it was true or not, and my gut told me it wasn’t. However, my heart needed to cling onto anything in that moment to help me survive. After going to the […]
I go to school and get called a ***** and a slut by some guy then I also have his friend threatening to punch me. This makes me feel like shit. Like I came home and cried. I dont want to go to school but yet home isn’t better. My mom is in a bad mood and she’s acting like a biych. She’s the one who said she’s a *****. Just repeating her. But she’s taking it out on me and making me feel like shit. Can I please just have a break..? Guess not..
So today my cousin told me that my mentor told her dad ALL the things I told her, IN CONFIDENCE. So that includes me taking pain pills, me cutting myself, me being molested when I was little. All the stuff that’s going on in my home life. She had no right! I am so sad/angry/upset, I don’t know what to feel right now. I told her I had trust issues because other teachers/mentors have betrayed me in the past, and she told me it was between me and her. And then she does this! And what makes it worse was I saw her today and […]
Dear Lover,
I am so sorry that I couldn’t be a better girl for you. I am so sorry that I never measured up to the kind of girl you wanted me to be. I am so deeply sorry that I disappoint you on a daily basis with every screwup I manage to make. I am so sorry that I get scared to lose you, and I tak it out on you. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better than what I give you. You deserve a good girl who isn’t so broken inside, one who doesn’t let you down. You deserve a girl […]
Dear Mom,
No, I am not yet trying to commit suicide. Just not yet. Not here. Not in this winter. If I do it, I’ll do it right. I’ll do it at home. Our home. Our real home. Not here. So, chill, I’m still alive. Isn’t that explained why this post is called pre-suicide notes? Hah. I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry for being a failure. I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m sorry I’ve been so wasted in this world. I’m sorry that I’m being like this. No, you did nothing wrong, mom. You’ve been a great mom. Yes you are. It is just me. I’m thinking […]
I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to be depressed or sad and then we got an ice storm and I got stuck at home and my grandma passed away and now I’m crying my eyes out. We won’t be able to go to Kansas for the funeral and it breaks my heart knowing that I’ll never see her again…
Last week I went on vacation with my siblings, and there were some fun parts definitely. But overall it just made me realize once again how high the tensions between me and the rest of my family are. My brother thinks I’m weird and (possibly) a freak, but he usually doesn’t show it intentionally. My one sister tries to be as nice as possible towards me, cause she is a kind soul. My other sister was annoyed the whole trip for some reason, and when she’s like that she usually lets her anger out on other people, i.e. me. It’s basically just because she’s mad, […]