We lie all the time. Some do it to avoid hurting others, or being a bother to others, or because you just can’t trust anyone anymore. The most common lie is “I’m ok.” We all know we aren’t ok. And for me at least it hurts more each time I have to pretend that I’m full of sunshine and shit rainbows. The truth? I’m not alright. I’m not ok. Hell, I’m not even stable. I keep hearing things, and kinda seeing things. I know the manager is sitting in his office watching the live security feed from where I am, making sure I don’t screw […]
Tag:
Honesty
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Preface: I’m not actually going through with this. I asked God for a sign as I walked with tears in my eyes tonight, he gave me one. At 8:00 pm, I received a internet message from a beautiful soul I hadn’t thought of or had any communication with in years. You know who you are and you did, infact, save my life tonight. Thank you beyond measure.
I was just writing this when I got that message and I think it’s really important that I continue to write this. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. There are no reasons to sit on these words. Words only matter […]
I recently moved into my dorm room, and I wasn’t given a roommate who actually planned to move into the room so I’ve got a room to myself. Many people have said that it’s great that I have the room to myself but in complete honesty it sucks. Everyone has someone to hang out with because they have a roommate and here I sit all alone. I don’t know where the girls on the floor went but they aren’t here and my depression is setting in. I miss my friends and I miss my sister and her son and her boy friend, I miss just […]
You
know when u really trusted someone and then they say they trust you and all of
a sudden they stop talking to you because of someone else. Honestly I don’t
know what to do anymore. Im getting attacked left, right and center, by this
girl. I trusted him with things that I would never trust anyone with. He played
with my heart and said he was only talking to her because he was trying to be
the good mate. Now I feel like I was used just for his pleasure.but now I feel
down because I really found out who it was attacking me. […]
Relapse is such a *****. Things were going so well for me. Why did I visit my old box? What did i expect to feel when i picked up my old blades? Repulsion? Disgust? Or maybe i knew i would get the release i had been looking for. Maybe i knew that the urge i had been fighting all this time would finally be satisfied. I know i started feeling a bit lost when i realized my scars were fading. Why that is? I honesty dont know. Im ashamed by the lack of will power i had this time around. Seven months of no self […]
Lately my mother has been trying to take me to church. I’ve tried praying and going to church but in all honesty , Religion isn’t something I’m into. It’s just been a thing that people believe in ,Nothing more. On Facebook I like a page called ” Atheist English Girl” Where she posts pictures about religion and how she doesn’t believe in. I thought some pictures were funny so I liked it. She had posted a picture today about Marilyn Manson Saying “I like the bible , I like it as a book. Just like I like Cat and The Hat” And I thought it […]
The walls of this house haunt me…They reflect every memory and mistake. As a child, the pictures on the walls, made me feel lucky. Like I was truly loved. Sooner than a young child should, I learned they were the mask, the mask over an unhappy home. The pictures scream at me… Telling me, remember before? When you were innocent and things were simple… They also tell me, keep up this bravado, be strong even when the mirror breaks you down, when every word from her mouth is trashing you.
But.. in all honesty I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO BE BRAVE, putting up […]
Again? Were things ever really better..?have they ever been okay? Or were all those moments just a distraction..
I’m scared. And I’m alone. And I’m so tired.. and those words taste so bitter.. because I thought I was strong enough to beat this.. I thought it was something you could beat. In my years I’ve always shrugged away help or people. Because every time I let my guard down.. I learn a new lesson. A new, sad lesson that makes me tnink even more that its just time to give up this fight. And Ive been fighting all my life.. before I even knew what depression […]
it’s been 17 fucking years.
in all honesty i can’t wait until it ends. 14 cuts this morning, more soon to come. starving myself, pulling out my hair. what a great way to spend my birthday.
anyway, im losing everybody, which is what i want even though it hurts. i dont want anyone to live for so i could finally just fucking die. my birth day isnt a happy day, i’d say its the worst day of my life tbh. all i want is a nice new pack of razor blades…..
to be honest i’m not really sure what i’m doing on this site but i’m ust gonna go with it. I’m not trying to sway anyone into my thinking or anything this is just my own experiences and opinions. So I’ve read a few posts and stuff and it’s kind of strange but i feel like i can relate. People are saying stuff like “oh you won’t do it” and stuff like that but ppl will, they always do and that’s what’s wrong with this site. you shouldn’t test ppl. I’m just hoping to get some advice on how to kill this shit before myself. […]
since i can remember i have never been happy. i have amazing parents. my father is a state bridge inspector and my mother is a high school history teacher. my dad is older, from an older time and can be a real hardass sometimes, i know he always means well. my mom on the other hand is my hero, the best person i have ever known hands down. i couldnt count the number of people i have met through out the years that have told me, most of the time random people, that have told me that my mom has changed their lives. i have […]
I haven’t posted here in a while. School among other things has occupied most of my time, but I feel I need to post here.
Everything is slipping away. I’m so young, yet I’ve given practically all my youth and childhood away. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to grow up and now I just want to turn back the clocks.
I’ve been having to do and see things I’d never thought I would at only my age. I won’t go into specifics, because in all honesty I’m not quite ready to admit them to myself, let alone anyone else… But I’ve strayed so far from […]
That’s my question..will it get better? I don’t think I ever felt so depressed in my life before and it bothers me to no end because this isnt who I am. People who met me know me to be always smiling, cheerful, and over all happy but behind closed doors I’m a complete mess and just not myself. I wish I didn’t care about people as much as I do because maybe I wouldn’t give second chances to people who didn’t desereve it, maybe I wouldnt take everything to heart but in all honesty thats my biggest issue is that I take EVERYTHING to heart. […]
I’m exhausted. January 2nd was my date. All set then I had a psych assessment appt come through so I thought I’d move it to the 3rd… Then a job interview on the 4th ok so the 4th is my day. Fucks sake! How do you people not notice? A psych evaluation where I pour my heart out about how I’m not going to be here next week and still evokes nothing? Why am I surprised tho? This system has failed me so many times so I should know right? Wrong, my selfish, self involved side took over and thought someone would give a […]
You know, sometimes I honestly believe that no one gives two shits about me. Even the people that say they love me. Most of those people don’t even know me. And you know what I think? I think that no one really cares until you’re gone. When it’s too late to do what you should have. What might have saved someone’s life. And you know, sometimes I consider suicide just to see if someone really did care. And if you did, why did you let me go?
If you wont listen to me, then how can i listen to you?
You expect me to understand?
Stand by and watch?
I tried to do that, i really did.
tried to see if you could find your way on your own.
But you couldnt.
Whether you really couldnt do it,
or if you just decided that you want to be miserable…
Ive tried to help you.
You blow off everything i saw, and hang up on me when i am being honest with you.
And honesty is what you said you wanted,,
not lies and bullshit..
the truth and straight shit.
Im sorry.
I love you dearly, with all my heart.
I want you to stay around forever and […]
I don’t really care what people look like. Ugly people have every right to happiness and success as the beautiful, but I don’t feel that way about myself. I have not been able to look in mirrors since 2002. I’m so fat and ugly and I want  to die. I will never be able to accomplish anything good in my life and I will only get uglier as I get older. But how do I do it? I need it to be painless and it must be successful.
I have always felt ugly since at least 8 years old. I remember getting in trouble at school […]
I’m sure i’m not the only one here who puts on a fake smile, laughs, talks, and pretends to be a perfectly happy person. Everyone at school, besides my best friend, believes the act. I started cutting again 2 days ago. The wounds weren’t deep at all. If i hadn’t done as many as i did, they could pass for cat scratches. Since it’s winter, wearing long sleeves all the time isn’t suspicious. I prefer to anyways, though, because i have 4 years worth of scars on my arms (i didn’t used to have to worry because i had quit for almost a year so […]
tommorows the big day!!!I got ahold of my moms box cutter the other night.Earlier that day i found some numbing stuff.its for teeth but i think if i put it on the blade itll numb the area for awhile.I probably should pay atenttion to my rule of not drawing atenttion to myself.But im not going to kill myself at home.I scared the fuck out of everybody with sleeping pills.If im around strangers and i dont know if thats good or bad thing.But then itll be easier.Im falling apart. Just yesterday i couldve been killed walking off at home att night.There was a guy in the […]
I’m geting really tired this ridiculous life. All I do everyday is turning my brain to off so I can run away from my pain. That’s the only thing that worked so far too. I can’t connect with anyone, can’t relate to anything and can’t find any worth in me. I’m tired of pretending I still want to do studies, tired of pretending everything is gonna get better. I’m sick of hearing the same lies everyday, sick of lying all the time. I can’t bare living among people who’d rather value greed, malice, and putting their kind down all the time. I’ve had enough of […]
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