plain and simple. I’ve gone through the motions, made people think I’m a positive and happy person, but the overwhelming, undeniable truth is that I’m miserable. I welcome death 95% of the time, wishing it would find me, as I don’t want my children and family dealing with a suicide. I live near a mesa, it’s beautiful, has large cliffs ….what if I could make it look like an accident? Oops, I slipped and plummeted to my death. What a shame. I’ve fantasized about this scenario almost everyday for a year….but every time I make it up to the top my endorphins are pumping from […]
OK, I have a question. Yesterday, im-worthless made a post called “The other side” asking what people thought about the afterlife. I responded saying no one knows, but there is no logical reason based on what we do know about consciousness to think it’s anything other than eternal oblivion.
Now, I’m sticking by what I said then. That said, this does raise a number of other philosophical questions that have really been troubling me for years.
I’m very evidence minded, and I find the believability of a claim is closely linked to the strength of the evidence supporting it. If there is no evidence for something, it […]
I’m stuck. I feel like I can’t get better and this inability to move past my trauma is limiting my ability to live my life the way I want too. I try. I can go months without hurting myself and then something that is seemingly random breaks my illusion of healthiness and I fall backwards on my ass to the depths of despair. I can’t seem to forgive myself for shit that has gone wrong…and the more I try to examine my issues I feel the higher the chance of relapse. I don’t have a support system […]
I know this is ridiculously long and most of you won’t care about what I have to say. That’s okay. I just needed to release some depression somewhere. I’ve been feeling worse and worse lately even though I know I’m trying to head in the right direction. I just needed to vent some frustration. I always say I’m doing this for me, changing for myself, but it still kills me when my family shows me how worthless I am… so here are my thoughts for the past week.
I’m amazed at how well I’ve become at wearing a mask. I’m able to conceal my emotions so […]
“God may exist but only if there’s an ‘I’ to perceive it. Without an ‘I’ to perceive it, who will confirm his existence ? the ‘I’ creates God”
“the (physical world/matrix)/illusion is visible while the true self/consciousness is hidden (to the five senses). It doesn’t look like it, but consciousness is concealed by the illusion. Have you ever thought of it this way ?”
“Consciousness is concealed by the world’s manifestation. It is the manifestation/(physical world) that does not allow you to see the God within you”
“Consciousness has to appear in this form so this form can recognize counsciousness”
“You always mention somebody else. You’re always studying something […]
You want to die
before knowing the deepness of cry
you want to die
before diving inside the colossal lie
you want to die
before speaking personally with Satan?
you want to die
before drinking wine til decay
or doing sex til bye
you want to die
before cracking some noses
of the people that laugh of you
you want to die
before knowing the deepness of the dark arts?
before summoning spirits and devils?
before doing some craziness that prove the holiness
of your body?
Jesus is just another ************!
But in the dark arts I have found deep truths.
That the reality does not exists.
And that if life is a illusion, the illusion that life is a illusion is another illusion.
Hello all,
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions. I doubt that anyone will be convinced that this was the right decision. They are all too caught up in what they believe is sane or what they believe is “good” or “happy”. I believe it is my right to decide what I do with my life. It is my goddam decision! We all preach to the rest of the world about “freedom”. Well, how “free” are we really if society can’t accept someone’s decision to end their life? The word suicide is shunned and scorned. A person who commits such a […]
Life is just luck of the draw
I wish I was luckier. Life has been going down hill for such a long time, and honestly I’m not sure I can endure.
I’m growing so tired, even my health is declining. I feel so sick, and I’m only 18
Life doesn’t seem to hopeful, and its not just because I’m young,
everything in this world is controlled by might, by power, and I, have no power
Sure, everything is in the mind, illusion and manipulation, but honestly I’m so tired
This world is full of the mindless, the uncaring and ignorant
So many horrible things are […]
I never liked life for what it appears to be: a process of disilllusionnement
I was trusting and full of hope as a kid, but this was because I used to idealize life and people’s intentions
life experiences later, I’ve become rather suspicious and apathetic
I don’t think we’re here to find our purpose or happiness .. I feel like we’re here to chase after things, only to realize those things were just illusions .. the more you believed the illusion to be real, the more brutal the wake-up will be, the harder it is to swallow the pill of letting go
I was led to believe in certain […]
This is my first entry on this site; so, instead of giving an elongated sob story about how much my life sucks and appears to be in the sh*tter, I figured I’d give it a different spin to, hopefully inspire those who feel they’ve hit rock bottom. However, I won’t do the complete opposite by telling people to suck it up and take it like a man because I feel everyone has trials and tribulations of varying degrees that I cannot entirely comprehend or judge. Ultimately, we’re all different, and the one thing people on this site have in common that I wholeheartedly […]
A week or two ago I posted here as I was slowly getting overwhelmed with depression. I was ready 2 days ago with a solid plan, rope in my backpack and everything thought through, except for the poor tree that has to be stuck with my lifeless body swaying in the cold wind. But that was easy task to accomplish as there was many trees on my journey. Quite beautiful ones. It would have been a shameful sight for the tree if I would have went through with it.
My problem, which said before, was many and one big on that kept hitting my mind repeatedly […]
People are part of life, family, friends, even unknown people whom we have to talk with if we want to walk through life. Do we really have true friends? have you ever make this question to yourself? Human nature is to be selfish. Friends will let you down, that is a fact. People will always come and go.  That is a fact that we have to accept if we want to feel at least comfortable in life. because I don’t like to use the term “happy”. Happiness is actually an illusion, an illusion that suddenly will become a need. Parents , boyfriend, girlfriend, our friends. Everybody have said […]
I have 5 sisters. My imperfections used to be guarded by my older sister, she’s 18. She rebelled against my family, did very unfortunate things, and next to her I was perfect. Then she was kicked out of the house. With her gone, all my imperfections came to light. I now sit between two perfect sisters. One is 23, the other 15. I am 17 and next to them I feel worthless. They are always better than me. They love better than me, they are more fun than me, and they have a better personality than me. At least that’s what my parents make clear. […]
…You would think that my heart would stop allowing them in. You would think that my brain would stop being a pushover and finally tell my heart what to do. You would think that my heart had become so callous and cold from the way that I was treated, but it is not. I’ve been able to shoot and kill people and flinch not. I’ve been able to bloody a face beyond recognition and not feel an ounce of remorse…You would think I was cold…but yet, I allow myself to love again, care again. Repaving the painful path of cutting and suicidal thoughts taking the chance […]
My bad attitude caused by frustration and self hatred has pushed those who used to care about me far far away. I know we’re all alone no matter what, but it kills me not to have at least that illusion making us feel as though we are not alone. I started cutting a few days ago and each day the  cut gets a  little deeper. I was just looking for a distraction from my emotional pain. I haven’t felt happiness all year. I’m beginning to question if there even is a possibility for me to feel happiness again. I used to rely on strangers to […]
Sometimes, when I answer you I ask a question of you;
If you really had a choice, how would you choose?
Or
If you had a magic wand to fix your life,
How would you wave it?
Or
If you had a switch, that you could throw, that would end your suffering without killing you, would you throw it?
Would you?
More important than discussing the possibility of such magics, is discussing your will to use them.
What good is a true solution if you won’t use it?
And is there such a switch?
Does such a choice exist?
Can you have such power over your own life?
Yes
Hate, depression, constant crying, constant suicidal thoughts, constant self-harm. Who am I? I wish I could remember but the image of who I used to be gets fuzzier, and fuzzier. Had I known I would feel such loneliness in the future, I would have ended my life on that faithful April 27, 2006. I’m surrounded by many who claim to love me, yet in my mind I’m trying to deal with the fact that I’ve been abandoned by everyone. Maybe I have and everyone is just pretending to be nice, all I ever meet are extremely nice people, and I can’t help but love them. I […]
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday and I’m ready to quit. My life has no meaning. I am utterly worthless as a human being. I am a burden to the only people I love who love me. I need to stop operating under the illusion that my life will amount to anything and accept reality. This is it. I hope I get some courage soon before my situation gets worse.
Thank you for giving me a place to get this out. I can’t talk to anyone.
I always seem to float in-between. Not one thing or another. And I’ve been dead for so long now that I’ve forgotten how to be alive. I’m a zombie. So I was wondering, could someone please tell me how to live? (This is not a sarcastic/metaphoric question.)
Hoping and planning
A jubilant day
Swimming in my fantasies
Senses dulled by illusion
Almost real
Talking and laughing
Near to you
Blood aching under my skin
So aware of you
Almost close enough
Cutting and scraping
My emotions away
Dyeing the world with rivers of red
Delusions clouding my judgments
Almost numb
Trying and grasping
The edge of the knife
Dangling […]
Through this graceless ravaging tempest
You seek to forsake this pitiful flesh
As you attempt a hopeless and doomed extrication
It clings to you with gladiator determination
You remain grotesquely animated
Choiceless, as your pain throbs unabated
Decaying within a merciless incarceration
Demonic phantoms do a deathly dance in your mind
Creating these hideous nightmares for you to find
On the despairingly glorious doorstep of hate
A gate guarantees elusively infinite escape
Bloodless corpses swirl through the mist
Promising a torture more fulfilling than this
Entranced, you eagerly stumble towards the howling wraiths
There is no hope in hell
No comfort when you fell
But purgatory is […]