hello.. this is my very first post. I have been lurking since the day that twix started posting. She touched me quite deeply, and made me wish that I could leave, as well. I don’t really want to die, but I have completely forgotten how to live. I also have no energy to live. Since I started lurking I have read almost all the posts, they help me on a daily bases. Each one of you is perfectly unique. I especially enjoy the posts and comments of cordless. You are so careful with your words, and show amazing grace and humility. It will take me […]
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The other day I went for a haircut. I asked for a pixie. I told the stylist I wanted it longer in the back, with lots of layers. She gave me what looks like a boy’s haircut. It’s not feminine at all. I’m so dadgummed miserable with it! I hate it! This is to be my last haircut, as I will soon be making my exit. I had wanted my hair to look nice for that, as weird as it sounds. I was going to color it as well. (It’s mostly grey.) I’ve had many haircuts in my life where the stylist ignored my wishes. […]
I cut (yet again) about 3 hours ago after 2 years of having gotten over it. Yeah, it sucks… I did it in the middle of a party. I was the only depressed asshole there and no one noticed or gave a damn.
So… yeah… how much time does it take for a scar to heal?
went out swing dancing tonight, one of the most positive and life affirming activities there is and i still want to kill myself.
i mean nothing to nobody and its just like, im a robot, existing, emotionless but on the precipice of tears, like there is something in me that’s like, get shit done before going to bed, and the bigger part saying, just kill yourself, kill yourself dead. it’s gotten so, so much louder in the past few days.
i feel like veronica sawyer in heathers just like been to hell and back, every fucking hour.
i wish i had someone to practice swing dancing with and sing some […]
More bad things happened today, things I’d rather not talk about. But now the only thing I have to live for is my little sister, and as much as I do love her, I just don’t want to exist anymore. So I have come up with a plan, a checklist of what I need to do in my last few hours, whenever I decide when those hours are. I’ll probably do it in the summer, so that I can save up for a bag of charcoal. The first thing I’m gonna do is write my note. I don’t need to explain anything in it, my […]
Full moons around the corner and my sleep is getting worse
getting angry, 45 days sober, on house arrest in the middle of nowhere, court in November, could be looking at jail again
But I’m not looking that far. I’ve set a date for my suicide, if I still feel like it in June I’m going to kill myself.
started working again. Forgot how much I hate the farm, the hours suck, pay is horrible, work with a boss that hates me. Step dad’s suck balls. Real dads forgot about me. Chronic pain, need a hip replacement.
Wish I wasn’t an alcoholic, a good drunk would be awesome right […]
I really can’t take much more of this what’s the point we all end up in the same place anyways one way or the other not everyone’s story is happy think iv known for a wile my story don’t end well I guess it’s only a matter of time really
Today it is very windy.
Strong winds give me panic attacks, and here’s why:
About 15 years ago a windstorm destroyed my home in the middle of the night. It ripped off the roof while I was in bed sleeping. I heard this horrible loud ripping sound, and I rolled over in bed, still in sleepy confusion.
Instead of my ceiling above me, I saw stars.
The wind had this constant ROAR, and it just wasn’t stopping.
I couldn’t turn on the lights, because the windstorm had knocked out the power earlier that evening.
So there I was, in total darkness, trapped in a windstorm, in a home with no roof.
I […]
I’ve been trying to act somewhat ‘normal’, and not like everyone is trying to murder me. It’s difficult, to say the least. I can’t keep up with emotions anymore. I’m not reacting to things I’m supposed to, and I’m reacting differently than I should in other situations. I’m getting yelled at for being ’emotionless’, and I’m getting yelled at for ‘behaving inappropriately’.
The voices are constant now, specifically the running commentary and the laughing. The demons missed last night again, but I’ve saw the shadow people throughout the day instead.
My mood has been ridiculously low all day, anger being the most prominent one. It’s not even […]
Hello again,
This post is different from what I usually see on here but I am hoping that it can help me to share it with you guys. I’m baring my soul here: This is a diary entry from a few weeks ago, I am quoting straight from my diary because after hearing opposing opinions on the story, I do not know what to believe anymore and I wrote this right after it happened so this is exactly how I remember it.
“Friday I drank way too much. Puked 3 times? I wanted to go somewhere to chill, last year I always went to the guys’ dorm to hang, […]
I know it’s hard to take me. I have to live with me don’t I? My youth pastor and best friend are really good about dealing with my intensity, to my face anyway. But I get the sense that they are sick of hearing the same garbage with no change. Don’t they know I’m sick of feeling the same garbage every day too? I speak up every couple weeks, because I can’t take being so alone anymore. I ask for prayer not advice, and I don’t ask to talk about it. I just let them know my head isn’t right. They say they don’t know […]
I like the idea behind this site, but I’m trying to keep my expectations low before I spill my guts.
Can anyone see my email address? I rarely use it, but I noticed I had to supply an email for here and Gravatar in order to get my avatar.
I’m also curious about how big and how active this community is.
I look forward to getting to know some of you, and maybe posting more about myself in the future.
I keep trying to fill that void inside
it feel like life is just passing by
looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure
can you save me from my self
God dealt me the shit hand really I didn’t asked to be born a fuck up iv come to terms with the first born child is always really a mistake having to stumble though life trying to find your purpose or meaning then you have all the life experience that mess you up and make you self harm depressed and anxious about everything then the doctors want to give you meds just to keep you on a level or think they can fix you but can you really fix something that was broken to begin with don’t see the point in the struggle anymore I feel […]
She’s lying on the bed, her hair fans out from her head. She looks beautiful when seems to not be trying to impress anybody, and is existing and living for her own sake. Those bright blue eyes that I could get lost in for hours are staring intently at her eyelids. They drink in the darkness that surrounds them while light streaks across her vision like miniature shooting stars. A fireworks show for her, and her alone. The hair I touched upon earlier is a dirty blonde color, and when you see it you want nothing more than to see her casually playing with it, […]
So, I just found out my best friend’s brother died from terminal illness. I know I should feel sad for him but I don’t. I realize he is Hurt but a part of me just wants to watch if he’ll Break from this. The loss he is feeling right now; I can’t sympathize or feel empathy for. God, I feel like a Monster but there is a contradiction.
Why do I want to save her? If I’m as evil as I think I am, the logical thing would be to leave her to her Pain and let her drown in the sand… Her […]
I have mentioned many times how I have been in love with this girl for so long. I also posted quite recently about how I have finally gotten over her and have felt like I can comfortably have relationships now that I am no longer in love with her. She messaged me a couple of days ago and damn, i’m back. How can I be so in love with a girl. She messages me and I light up right away and message her right back. I am evem expecting a letter in the mail from her. We’ve been exchanging letters since freshman year. […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I am always sad for no reason. I cry myself to sleep alone in my room. I write poems on wattpad how I feel about the world. I always wonder why I’m still living, it’s for people I care about my mom, my friends. My friends don’t give a damn about me but I still love them. I can’t look in the mirror without insulting myself. I literally have no point in this messed up world. It is the ugliest place I’ve ever been. I have lost my sanity that I have made a finger puppet to talk to. Afew days later I stopped talking […]
I don’t know anything about you but I do think it will be a shame if you leave this world. Intelligent people gaze at the moon getting lost in the night. On the other hand, foolish people stare at the sun blinding themselves in the light. The sun starers think they are powerful but their blindness deludes them. As the saying goes, “knowledge is power.” One group can only see nothing but the other group can see everything. Do you know which group you are, Trix? From what I gathered, it’s the group that can see everything, However, you wish you were a part of […]