So, it’s my Birthday again tomorrow; I’ll be 23. Ever get the feeling of deja vu? Nothing seems to change, aside from an increasing feeling of isolation and a decreasing feeling of motivation for life. I don’t feel human anymore. I don’t want to be alive, I cannot see a way out of my isolation apart from death. Of course, this would seem rather over-dramatic from an outside perspective, from those “just get over it, cheer up!” types. However, for almost a decade now I have had no friends, no connection with others and no affection. I won’t pretend I’m not bitter, because I am, […]
Tag:
Isolation
I have always been taught that patience is a virtue; that good things come to those who wait. I have lived on this Earth now for 18 years, I am still waiting.
My life so far has been… Gentle, in many ways. My familly are able to provide for me: I have food and a bed, I even have a little money of my own. They say that you can take a horse to water but that you cannot make him drink: though I have food I have no appetite, and though I have a bed I am rarely able to sleep. It seems to me […]
I completely lost it. I don’t know how to get up anymore, today i did it more as a mechanism, because people do that, they get up. My hands are shaking, I am terribly afraid of myself. I can’t control my actions anymore. It seems like another person lives inside me, controling my mind, giving a false perception of reality. I think i am insane, I don’t want to be and the thought of it makes me cry. People have so many expectations of me but i just wish i can tell them who i really am. And more than anything i wish they could […]
I’m no longer myself anymore. I’ve morphed into something so beautiful, yet so fragile. Like a butterfly. I started off as a small egg. Then I was hatched, brought into a world where there were larger things than I. Things that were sure to destroy me. I was pummeled and shown horrors no little caterpillar should. All the while I spent my time absorbing and eating up the words that were viciously thrown at me. I chose to listen. I guess eventually the little caterpillar me had had enough,so I formed walls around me. I was to stay there forever. Safe, and warm, and perfectly […]
had a good day at work today. then-a wave of despair comes over me out of nowhere and i am bawling by the time i get home. just like someone flicked a switch or something. feeling very detached . don’t want to see anyone. don’t want to talk to anyone. don’t want to exist. my self imposed isolation has served to make me wary of people. but i hide in plain sight. feel myself slipping away. i am so damned tired. my body is aching , like i have been beaten up again. don’t know if it is depression or the meds. probably some combination […]
I keep struggling with reality. The worst part is I have no one to talk to– no friends, only acquaintances. I wonder what would happen if I just start freaking out in middle of a lecture. Screaming and what not… I’m afraid that I want to do that so much that I’ll realize I’m actually doing it, and not just fantasizing about it.
I wonder what it’s like in a mental hospital. Do I belong in one? If I poured each and every though out of my head to someone will they ship me off? I think I would like it in one of those […]
I don’t know about other people but I think a lot go through that phase where we really want to talk about death. About suicide. And, like a lot of them we find that most people will flip out. I had one very close friend yell at me and try and make me feel guilty. My therapist – to cover her ass – called the police. As if they could do anything. As if I would admit to them my plans. And, when I tried to call mytherapist about it – because she was so Goddamned concerned – she wouldn’t take my call.
So, now I […]
I think the thing I realize most about getting closer to killing myself is the isolation. I struggle with feeling like no one cares – or notices – when I talk about it. So, as I get closer I stop talking. No one seems to care – or notice – that either.
The reality of suicide is that you’re alone in it. You will go alone and you have to be able accept that. Whether others care or notice doesn’t matter. No one can or will save you. Until you accept that, you’ll stay. When you accept that, you won’t try, you’ll do. It’s simple, I […]
I come here tonight to freely express my feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged and with the hope that someone out there may understand. Okay ….let’s be honest, there’s still a shit load of fear, but I say fuck it.
I’m still having quite a rough time. My depression is weighing heavy in my head. Can barely lift it up. My isolation is at an all time high. The majority of my  “friends” are occupied anyway. I don’t feel like I have any true friends. But I’m sure my isolation had a big part in that. I just have no drive. I’m afraid […]
I’m relatively new to this site, but thought I’d take my turn to publish a post. The reason I’m on here tonight is because I am really struggling at the moment. I am really having strong urges to end my life. I don’t want to kill myself, yet I don’t want to continue living this life that I have created for myself. Very contradicting sentence, isn’t it? I just feel so alone. And I know isolation plays a big part in it, but even with people I still feel incredibly alone. I hate myself so much. I hate my body and my mind. I wish […]
It’s easy for me to give it and think that the world works against me. I’ve had 19 years of suffering in silence, . Day after day of constant disappointment, negative feedback, anxiety, confusion, and isolation. These things have all contributed to my unhealthy belief system still deeply ingrained in my mind.Â
No I’m not retarted, in fact, over the years I’ve realized I’m quite intelligent. I just feel the world a whole lot more intensely, so much that it hurts, feelings are so strong that they’re harder to change, imagine being x10 times more sensitive to everything that goes on. I easily absorb peoples energy, My […]
I remember when i was what society called happy, like, genuinely happy. a time when I didn’t feel like the world was blurred, like I was just a ghost. I felt, normal i guess. I was nine. that was it. nine years old. and then i just…faded.
I recall how I’d walk into the doors, I’d hear everyone talking, everyone would be with their friends. And me? I’d struggle just to convince someone that they could talk to me. I wasn’t well liked for God knows why. I guess people just needed an outlet to put all their hate, sadness, anger, and shit in. They chose […]
Pain overriding any rational thoughts
only feeling what I want most not too
Churning in my stomach, and burning in my chest
How did this happen, I ask
Only to be reminded that there is no explanation
No concrete answer to the question I’m seeking
I just have to accept what is.
Accepting a reality of isolation, loneliness and solitude
Feeling imprisoned by my own being
Trapped in a world I can’t escape
Following me wherever I go.
My mind plagues my every thought
The inner bully condemning every part of me
Ruthless, harsh and callous
Never stopping with its relentless bashing.
Only sleep gives […]
Trapped in the home of people who refuse to understand, who think my depression is hiding something, who think I’m lazy rather than my depression is debilitating.
I could take every type of med, go to every type of therapy, I could have sunshine coming out every orifice. It would make no difference.
Why? Because my problem isn’t me, its my mother. My mother is a cold, venomous, uncaring nag. She does not believe that depression is a mental illness, but instead views it as a weakness of the mind. She has mild dysthymia at worst and thinks she is the authority on depression. I doubt she has experienced a […]
I feel myself slipping away. I feel my cares, my concerns, my passions and my obligations no longer have any meaning. I want the end. I want the peace and serenity that comes with it. I feel no remorse for those that will. I feel only the burden of my choices crashing down on me. I feel the stare from the eyes of the woman I love. I feel their sadness, I feel their anger, I feel their doubt and, finally, I feel their relief. I wish I could have been more. I wish I could have lived up to expectations. I wish the one […]
My best friend stayed with me for 20 days, We were high the entire time laughing and listening to the radio, and watching cartoons, when he left it smashed my heart in half I was just coming down and the whole thing felt like I time warped through it all. My plan was to kill myself after my friend left, I made the most of the time but now the moment is on me, it warped so fast I cant believe it. Even seeing the names of any shows I watched with him makes my heart clench up, He doesnt expect it, I didnt realize […]
I know that for a lot the new year doesn’t seem like it is going to be full of great things or maybe so far the year hasn’t been good. Just keep positive because I have been there and I know what it feels like to be completely alone and wanting everything to slow down and stop. Sometimes no matter what people said to me like ” don’t worry, this will pass” or ” ignore what others say” or the best..” this is just temporary” ended up pissing me off more because when it is you personally going through a rough time no one knows […]
If life has taught me anything, its how pointless everything is. If you aren’t rich in a capitalist society your life will most likely be a nonstop living hell until the day you die and there will be very little you can do to stop it. Some people brainwash themselves with religion, some use drugs and/or alcohol, others distract themselves by any means necessary telling themselves someday life will be worth it but that day never happens. Most people die deeply disappointed by life, those that live long enough to be elderly usually just give up and wait for death (visit an old folks home […]
stuck in a hole in south east asia, wanted by the authorities, hiding like a scared dog. truth be known, I’ve been hiding my entire life. severe depression since childhood, won’t get into the abuse i suffered but its has haunted me thru  my adult life. I crapped in my mess kit and now i have no way out other than death and frankly i don’t care any longer. Im only writing because its lonely as all hell here. I suppose dying is to be a private matter, but every step is agony and isolation. I believe the plastic bag and morphine is the way […]
A dreamer  is the the worst, a waste, a parasite. I will romanticise my life no more. I have alienated myself. I cant relate. I rejected the only one who has ever loved me several years ago, she is now married and has forgotten me. I have found out that love happens once. I will die alone. I have failed at everything. People disappoint me. I disappoint myself. I wish the tide would take me. I am only happy when I am asleep. If anyone knew how I felt, they would treat me the same, with more indifference . Their lies are better than mine, more grounded. […]