I’m skipping college today, but I can’t bring myself to care. Everything is too much today, and I’m just starting to give up with it all. There were no appointments with my doctor again today. So today is obviously going to be fun. Death sounds so inviting, and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid the inevitable.
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it all
I’m trying to quit only because if I carry on this way people are going to notice eventually. No one knows but my therapist, who I told because I can’t make myself stop and am hoping she can help me stop. But I love it so, so much. I love the pain and watching the blood, I love feeling like for once I’ve done enough, I’ve made up for my mistakes, I love having flexing my arm during day-to-day life later and having it twinge, I love it all. The only nuisance is people noticing. If not for that I could probably sit and cut […]
Just when my head started to get quieter for the first time today (the voices have been constant), my stepdad came home with his friend after drinking for a couple hours. When they got here, my mum left to go out. Two hours ago my aunt and uncle and their kids came round. So now the house is full of four screaming kids and drunk adults. My anxiety is horrible, the voices are horrible, the figures are horrible. I’ve been crying upstairs for the last hour. I need to get away from everyone. They all keep opening the front door. They’re going to let the […]
My nerves my sadness is getting to me today feel like I can’t breathe and this old lady is getting very last on top of that I have to peel pounds of potatoes in and make 60 pounds of potato salad. And do it all with a smile joke and pretend I don’t feel like shit.
Tired of lying to everybody I’m tired of not talking to my family because I’m not telling them leaving Tahoe they’re going to have a heart attack. I just want to go home.
I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they […]
This will probably turn into a rant or something, oh well.
I’m terrified of everything. The voices won’t leave me alone. They want me to do things, and I know I’m going to end up doing them. They want me to jump from a bridge, or a building, now. They say bad things will happen if I don’t. I don’t want to hear them anymore. They scare me.
I still haven’t saw my doctor, there weren’t any appointments last week. I don’t know when I next see my therapist, and I see my psychiatrist on the 12th (the Angels haven’t been saying she’s much of a threat […]
I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.
I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to […]
Before you close your eyes, think of everything that made you smile and laugh today. Even down to the littlest giggle.
Pull it in. Fill your mind with it all. Close your eyes and hold onto those thoughts until you’re opening your eyes the next morning.
Stay strong tonight, friends.
I remember their voices as I lay there in the hospital bed.
Asking over and over why I did it. Why I took those pills. Why I wanted it all to end.
I remember laying there and for a split second I didn’t know. Here’s these people standing over me, tears in their eyes, and broken hearts beating in their chest.
Whether I were their kid, friend or brother, they all had a sign in their eyes that a piece of them almost died with me.
This is what I think about when suicide comes to mind.
Even if you want to die, you have to take a second to realize […]
You say we have it easier
But that’s a lie.
You hid in fear.
We say, “So do I.”
The words written.
It all cuts deep.
Pictures taken.
Terrible things we begin to believe.
We don’t mean to cause a fuss.
You just don’t understand.
We didn’t need anyone to hit us.
We had the hands.
Quit letting us down.
You’re blinded by your past.
Things are different now.
Your time has passed.
Emotional pain.
The scars you see.
No confidence to gain.
We pray to be free.You had it bad
But we do, too.
Please don’t be mad.
We’re just screaming the truth.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
How can I be sure?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure?
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more an more
How can I be sure?
How can I be sure?
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure?
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure?
I’ve been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I’m calling you….calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure?
You don’t give […]
So yesterday, I was pretty stoked. Got some good shit planned for today. Got some cool future shit unrolling. It’s cool
Wake up, 1st indication everything’s going to hell: the sun is shining. Fuck!
Then it happens. The succubus calls…. Double Fuck!
I need to quit my job so I can be home for her.
I don’t even bother trying to explain again why that’s beyond stupid.
She doesn’t say it sarcastically, she’s stone faced dead serious demanding.
Cue the barge of insults, I’m not a man, I’m not a dad, I’m not a husband… OK? So why are you calling?
Then some more demanding, make it […]
In all honesty, I don’t think I’m getting any better. Maybe for a day, or for just a couple of hours I actually feel something other than this depression consuming my soul. I feel content. I notice more things, like the way my boyfriends lips curve into this smirk of a smile, or the way the wind blows at night, and all the living creatures are sleeping, but you can feel the vibrations of the earth. These are the moments when I think that living might not be such a bad thing. But it never lasts. My worst enemy is myself, my own insecurities, my […]
When life has tainted you, it’s permanent. No matter how hard you try to change or deal with whatever issues it caused it doesn’t go away, because it is now part of who you are. At least that’s the case with me I can’t necessarily speak for others when it comes to this. I was sexually molested as a child and growing up all through my life. Not constant but there were intermittent instances and only 2 were more serious cases. I try to ignore the fact that it happened I never really think of it and I continue with my life. But the truth […]
Today I feel lonely and depressed. I woke up and I don’t even know why I’m still here. I overthink about what happened and I can’t help but cry. I still miss that stupid asshole and my baby so much. I’m crying while typing this post. I feel that it’s all my fault. That thought haunts me. Plus, I don’t have friends IRL and therefore no one to talk to. My family doesn’t help me. If anything, they make me feel worse about myself. My mom won’t let me go out or do anything to alleviate the pain I’m feeling or at least distract myself […]
Why can’t life be simple why is there so much pain and suffering why do we always want the things we can’t have were the light st the end of the tunnel when do we get to find happiness ? When u been suicidal for so long u start to question you existence what is the real meaning of life ? Iv bad enough of it all ready
I can’t live like this anymore. Is it even living? It’s not even surviving. I’m barely existing. My depression is getting worse again. It was just starting to get somewhat better.
My moods are fluctuating terribly, but there’s been some sort of ‘okay’ in there for a couple weeks. Now it’s all just came down so hard and fast over the last few days. It’s making everything else spiral out of control.
All of the voices are constant, including the Angels. The figures are everywhere. I can’t eat. I barely sleep. I don’t want to leave the house. My suicidal thoughts are overwhelming, and I […]
my whole life feels like i’m living a lie. i wish i could run away from it all. most nights i cry myself to sleep, sometimes i want to die, but i’m always so damn depressed. school is hopeless. nobody cares anymore. i need to get away. get away to a place that i can finally belong. why does everything seem to make it worse? people pretend they care but i know they don’t give a shit. i’m sorry if i sound like a whiny ***** but i need an outlet for my pain…….
yet i still didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m pretty impressed i managed to one step at a time. taking of my clothes from yesterday one article at a time. convinced myself to throw on some nice smelling spray deodorant and put on fresh clothes. I shoulda stayed in bed though.
Today I feel worthless. like a waste. I resigned form my job because I got another job offer at another place. I feel kinda awful, like I’m abandoning them. Like this new job won’t work out. Like I’ll be a failure and lose everything. I know this is what life is like but […]