I think the fact that I been cutting on an unusual amount recently has finally got me. I finally talked to both of my parents they’re both telling me to come home which I’m starting to think they’re right I’ve only been here 1 month the Amount have a Damage made to myself is too much . I think I’m actually might have left a scar so I I haven’t left a scar since I was 17 years old .when I left the the first letter of the words garbage worthless dirt selfish junk and I should kill myself .I seen yesterday those letters are […]
another weekend, another day left behind….
time to numb shit out…. cheers……
my husband asked me last night if I wanna go home ….when I said yes he did something really shocking and said OK he will talk to his mother and he will try to go home …good right …BUT…..wait for it………I will have to see what mom says OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS he can’t just tell hiss mother were going home after his birthday can’t do it….OHHHH and here’s another good one we might have to go back to FLORIDA because his car is there and its a hassle to get a shipper what dose he wan’t to do drive home in his two person […]
Words cannot describe how much appreciation I feel for the feedback on my last post. It almost left me in a pool of tears. A very big thank you to those who left those comments! I really doubted myself a lot with my artistic skills almost to the point were I stopped. Drawing is all the talent I have left and I almost lost it because I mope around wondering if I’ll get anywhere in my life. Seeing your comments inspired me to peruse my talent, to get me up off my lazy a**. You have my thanks and gratitude. I wish I could have […]
Hello. I’m just not feeling it. I have a few more weeks left to go. No energy to get the stuff done though. I’m starting to get spastic. I have a feeling something is suppose to be happening now, but I just don’t know what it is. Like something is missing. My head is starting to feel a bit compressed. I feel like I need to be somewhere, I just don’t know where. Everything is out of place and it is starting to get annoying. I’m not too sure. It’s like I’m not suppose to be here. Well thank you for listening.
I’ve been crying more and more often. I’m going on 57 years old, I’ve been living with HIV for almost half of my life, and in recent years I’ve been becoming increasingly resigned to the prospect of finishing out the rest of my life alone and unloved. I’ve been in two 5-year relationships in the past, both with guys who knew of my HIV status and accepted it, but ultimately decided that the grass on the other side of the fence was just a bit greener. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had the simple pleasure of walking up in the morning WITH someone else.
A […]
I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like […]
I know, i know…this is a rather touchy subject. The fact of you leaving will hurt many people.
Lets just be clear, i am not suggesting or supporting that anyone leave this world, simply stating an opinion anyone may think on.
So your there, in that moment, yes you know the one. And all you can see is you hurting people if you left. Which is true. You will. Theres no doubt in my mind of that. But lets..just…step back moment from thinking about that.
Lets talk about me. I’ll be the genii pig in this example. If i were to leave. Right now..i would hurt lots of people. […]
another (very short) poem for today:
how do i soften the memory of you
like fingerprints on glass
barely, barely, barely there
a whisper left behind
today wasn’t the best but i hope everyone else is doing well
I’ve come so far, and have tried too hard to just give up now… But I’m angry, and I’m hurting deep inside too badly… I’m angry because everyone has tried so hard to help me, my therapist, psychiatrist, friends amd family… But no one can seem to rid me of this nightmare… I have tried so many medications just to be let down in the end… I’m angry because the last thing I want to do is give in now… I HATE the fact that I’m even considering suicide; but there is nothing left for me anymore…
I’ve tried to […]
diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer…had surgery, breast removed…still got the other…wish they had removed both…no reconstruction for two years…fuck…insurance won’t cover removal of non cancerous breast…the only luck is that I wasn’t intending on living so refused chemo and radiation…waiting for it to metastasize…brain or lung will do….at least I don’t have to kill myself by any other means…do I really want to do it….I ask myself every morning…yes…there’s nothing left and I’m tired of struggling and battling…selfish maybe…but if I don’t contribute to life why prolong it…
I’ve have slept through three alarms, miraculously I’m awake relatively early in the morning.
I’ll lay here, on my sleeping bag, wool blanket, yoga mat combination for an hour at least.
Neglecting all needs.
Half ass wondering what has sucked pleasure from my life and has left me a husk, a shadow of my former self.
Until I stop carrying and I day dream of much more entertaining thoughts.
Like, wouldn’t it be nice;
If I woke up in an alternate world.
Woke up in a game.
Or not at all, and instead of day dreaming about life that could be… Oh fuck it, you’re stuck.
Stop […]
Mood – Numb.
Conscienceless in thought – Extreme low.
Mental – Cognitive.
Physical – Certain areas of my back, neck, and face are screaming.
Emotional – Someone hold me and lie to me tell me it is going to be okay.
So I had an idea to write to my disease and see if it could respond. I want to know what it wants… I do not know. I am 31 or 32 years old I do not even know without thinking and I currently can’t really do that for the fear it will make me worse off. Get fired from every job I get because I have an “authority […]
It is nearing the end of the semester for me, and I have no motivation left. I know what you’re thinking “No one does.” But it isn’t just the usual dragging my ass to the library or late night studies from procrastination. It is the refusal to do anything….some days I won’t get out of bed, even if I’m hungry. Some days I force myself to go to the library to write papers but I get distracted and do nothing. I cannot make myself do anything anymore…I have assignment building, bills piling, dishes not done, laundry soiled, and quizzes untaken. It feels like my life […]
I may be the only one here, but I’ve always viewed life as a huge house party that everyone’s invited to. Well, compelled to go to.
Some people are the life and soul, making friends with almost everyone they meet; others hang close to the people they know; there are even people there who everyone talks about despite having rarely bumped into; people who’ve gained control of the food, music and dress code despite being a guest like the rest of us. And others of course who are happy to sit back and watch everyone else.
There’s the heartache you feel when […]
The title says it… we’ve only been together for 9 months, but everyday was a blessing.
Yesterday, first thing in the morning (right after I text her good morning), i wake up and see a text from my best friend sent at 3 in the morning. It was a suicide note… as depressing as thinking your best friend killed herself (i found out later that day she failed), i tried really hard to stay somewhat in an okay mood. So needless to say, it was already a terrible day, but i didn’t even know how terrible it would soon get…
At about noon, i get […]
I’m an atheist. I think I believe that death is the end of consciousness. But the idea of hell still has this grip on my mind. Maybe because it’s what I feel I deserve. The thought of being trapped in a never-ending state of misery and despair – that somehow seems like what I have coming. That there’s nothing I can do about it.
Which is crazy. As far as I know, all religious concepts of hell have some kind of ‘escape clause’, at least while you’re still alive. If I really believe that’s my future, shouldn’t I be confessing my sins, or living a life […]
As far as I know I have nothing left. My friends, my family don’t even care for me. Day after day, night after night I just lay in suffer age while my friends beat me down further. The friends whom I’ve considered family have used me until they come across someone to replace me. The ones I trusted now ignoring my cries. I have nothing to live for… I have no one to live for. I can’t feel any emotional love anymore..
I’ve realized that I never truly introduced myself to the people of this site and I feel like I should explain what people see on the outside of me, rather than my extremely dark and weird mind that I see. I’m not afraid to get personal on here.
Well here goes: HELLO 🙂 lol
My name is Emily, last name doesn’t matter, I’m SO CLOSE to 19 years old. I live in the great white north of Canada, jk, It’s pretty ugly. Here’s my story, and how my life went wrong, my life started out as everyone elses did. When I was 7 years old, my […]
I’m nobody’s child, I’m nobody’s child
I’m like a flower just growing wild
No mommy’s kisses and no daddy’s smiles
Nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child
I just can’t seem to understand
Why the folks all pass me by
‘Cause I know that it’s true that God takes
Little blind children with him in the sky
And they tell me that I’m oh so pretty
And they seem to like my big curls of gold
But then they take some other little child
And […]