I am a 13 year old girl, i don’t really want to die but i am really not happy.
I don’t want to die is because i feel i have still to much to in life and don’t have enough time.
I am in the 2 year of highschool and i do a really hard school and i a about 4 hours busy with homework every day, my parents think it is to hard for me but i REALLY don’t want to go to another school because i always feel like a have to work as hard as posible because if i didn’t i will […]
Tag:
Long Time
When the leaves have fallen from all the trees around me
And the rivers run dry and the seas are lonely
When the skies are black and the tides are turning
i will stand in the arms of fire and burning
i have lived in darkness a long time
over the years my eyes adjusted
until the dark become my world
now i see
times up
clock starts
get in line
fuck up
all hope is lost
the end is here
the road to b’ak’tun 1.0.0.0.0.23
I found the light, but I don’t have a fucking clue what to do with it. XD I really don’t. I’m not joking. I’m happy, but I feel like there’s got to be something more to it than this. My head is spinning from all the ideas of where  to go with my life now that I’ve cleared the road.  I just don’t know. I feel deep in my heart, somehow, I feel like I need, yes, I said need to tell Trevor what I feel about him. Strange, I know, but since I gave my life to God, I get these feelings sometimes, and when I […]
I haven’t been on here in a while, so long, in fact, that I had to make a new account.
I’ve come back because I have no one to talk to anymore. Everyone around me is either ignoring me or they have other issues greater than my own to deal with. I’m in year twelve this year, my last year of school. My sister is in my year level too because she got sick last year and had to do it over two years. This is difficult for me. And I know it’s difficult for her too. But no one sees how much it affects me.
She […]
Okay, so I posted a post two days ago. That I was a little bit proud on myself that I kept my promiss to myself so far on. That promiss was that I had to write a post at least once a day. I maked that promiss because I can never hold on something for a long time. But that whole feeling of a little bit proud is totally gone, because yesterday I didn’t wrote a post. Just because I couldn’t encourage myself to write a post. Also today I almost couldn’t encourage myself, but I really pushed myself because writing on this website is […]
This website, though I havent been on for an extremely long time, has seriously made my days a bit brighter.
It’s just nice to have some people who kind of understand what I’m going through. kind of.
But still, it feels exremely good to share my feelings with people who wont judge. I wont be called an attention seeker, wont get judged, and will be talking to people who will actually listen.
To be honest, I started this because I was basicly forced to. My therapist, who has become a very good friend of mine even though I’m a teenager, said it might be good to talk out […]
   As I’ve spoken about in previous posts, I’ve had depression, anxiety and paranoid delusions for most of my life and it’s not easy to live with, especially the depression.
    For me, at 11 years old it began with a deep sadness that just never seemed to lift. It spiralled pretty quickly and I began to spend an awful lot of time alone in my bedroom. I felt as though I was the loneliest person in the world because nobody could really relate to what I was feeling. The thing that got to me most was that some people would say things like, “you’re […]
I have an important assignment for school, that I NEED to do today, it’s already like a week late, and it basically determines if I graduate from high school. But I can’t work on it. My mind is reeling, it’s not ordered, it’s not focused, its all over the place. I NEED to do this assignment but I can’t. I just keep thinking about all my fuckups. I keep remembering the last time I was happy, and I want to go back there. I want to but I can’t it’s in the past and I can’t get it back. I’ve been so unhappy for so […]
I died a long time ago, and as I’ve rotted through nine years.
Like a vulture, you have constantly eaten away my carcus, piece by piece.
Can’t you let me be.
Let me die in peace for goodness sake.
I have nothing, no one.
What more do you want from me.
I can’t cope, I feel so hopeless and pained. My friend has just publically humilated me with her boyfriends help and got others to join in, she knows how vunreable i am right now and for her to do this hurts so much to me. I want to die, I want to die so badly, I sat in my living room by my family wishing so much that I could walk upstairs and slit my wrists so deep and just bleed to death. I slowly walked upstairs, picked up my razor crying and cut.
But ofcourse I only did it how i usuall did it, staight horizontal lines […]
The only advice I hear from my mother. I guess its my fault that I feel like this all the time, since 12 years of drug therapy and talk therapy had no effect on me. So my mom’s words have some logic to it.
I keep telling myself that I wasn’t meant to live this long, that I was destined for death a long time ago but got passed up somehow. I never had plans for a future where I aimed to have my own family, a job, and a house with a “white picket fence”. I was supposed to be dead, a distant memory for […]
I haven’t been on here for a really long time.
I thought thing’s were bound to get better. I am getting so sick and tired of people telling me what they think they should do, when in reality, they don’t even know what the hell is going on. I was late to school today, because my uncle was giving a speech about respecting my parents. I know that this is necessary. I’m not stupid and I’m not a bad child. I just don’t complain to the world like my parents do (well, except for this). No one know’s what goes on inside my head or behind […]
The only place i really feel safe anymore is church, my friend andrew begged me for MONTHS to go with him and i caved in having given up on religion a long time ago.
Where was god when i got raped? Where was he when i asked for forgivness? To get past these feelings, to fight depression?
So i started going and i’ve started talking to a lady named candice, shes nice and is one of the youth counsulurs there. She knows a bit about my past, but i havent said much.. i’m scared their all gonna abandon me still. My trust, its so hard to earn.. […]
I am never good enough. first its school, then its at home, and now my friends. I hate drugs, absolutely hate them and my best friend got this boyfriend who made her int a big ass druggy and now its my fault that her and our other “friends” call me a loser because i don’t do it with them. i changed my Facebook profile picture to me and my boyfriend at prom with her and her ex boyfriend saying “I miss this..” because that was the last time we ever hung out because now shes too busy. (on my birthday i invited her and her […]
Instability is the only stable thing in me
Balance is challenging to me
Maybe I need something like peace
Hello serenity how have you been? It’s been quite a while since my needs were meant, in this parasitical relationship, your lack is hurting me
Hello algidity, you’re stuck in my bones. It’s been such a long time since I remember being warm, in this frigid cowardice, I’m not any closer to free
I’m not being heard and I wonder why, “Why am I”
“Why am I here because I’m not changing much”
The things I say the words I speak
I have to ask “Would I even […]
It struck my recently. This rock-bottom self confidence, self hate, doubt, etc. It is fear. Fear of what you ask? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’ve never been this serious about something in a long time. I’ve been doing researches, reading and a lot of thinking. The whole Carl Jung theories were eaten whole one night. His theories on our “Shadow” is what stroke me the most.
Anyways, it seems I am deeply afraid of something. I just can’t find what. I wish I could say it’s a relief to have pinpointed something, but it’s not. Each time I start something, it just end midway. Fear of failure? Thinking […]
Hello. This will most surely be my one and only post that I will ever do on this or any website but I felt impulsed to do this. I’m not sure if anyone will care.. but I just want to let out how I feel. My life has always been difficult. With an abusive stepdad and a mother that prefered him over her own blood.. but these last 2 years have been unbearable I cannot take it anymore. My life is complete sadness.. the only good thing I had was my one love. My girl, my future (which I thought)… but now I have finally […]
Havent seen her for a long time..she was really helpful to many back when she ws around..
I haven’t been online here for a very long time, you guys. And I am having trouble getting online at all lately, because of the oncoming exams. I’m sorry, but I probably can’t come here often anymore. I will take a small hiatus from this site and other sites in general.
You can always email me, though, and I’ll try to help you. 🙂 When I’m online, that is…
Other than that though; I’m doing fine at the moment. I’m a bit stressed about the exams, but I’m doing fine. And since I’m on this site, I feel the need to add that I will not kill […]
Why??!! Why??!! Why does everybody always say that I’m happy, and I’m funny and laughing and stuff?! Do they really don’t see that HUGE mask I wear most of the time??? It’s just so crazy. Today too, I was at the part-time therapy (monday till friday from 9am till 3pm) and the group and the therapists thought that I was happy and that everything was okay, and so on. And that while they know I wear often a mask and that it goes really bad with me right now. But how hard I tried, they wouldn’t believe me I’m feeling really bad and that all […]