“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
Tag:
loss
my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.
yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i […]
i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air
that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.
i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend […]
My closest attempts were when I felt useless. When the sinking I had felt in my chest, when the lack of energy, and utter hopelessness within me had no reason to live.
More recently, I thought I was doing better. I thought that I had won over these feelings, conquered them; sending them back to the depths of wherever they came.
I guess that was probably because I had gotten a job that I love. One that I thought was too much to handle, one that brought countless nights of stress to me… but now, under this quarantine, I feel myself slipping back into old habits.
I expect […]
Lyrics:
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
–
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been,
Lives in a dream…
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door,
Who is it for…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
–
Father McKenzie writing the words
Of a sermon that no one will hear,
No one comes near…
Look at him working, darning his socks
In the night when there’s nobody there,
What does he care…
–
All the lonely […]
Miguel De Unamuno – An Eternal Elegy
Oh Time, Time,
relentless tyrant!
Oh terrible mystery!
The past does not return,
it never comes back again,
ancient history!
Yes, ancient, but always the same,
terrifying!
Always present…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
When consciousness is deprived
of the passage of time,
what is it that remains?
What happens to light if the mirror is broken?
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Fierce Saturn,
oh […]
I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.
I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?
I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.
It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped […]
Can I vanish?
Hello everyone, I believe you all know why I am here posting this. I feel empty, loneliness, hopeless. The will to live longer inside me has vanished, I do not wish to live any longer. I have friends, but none has really understood me. I have a wealthy family, but wealthy does not mean joy. I used to be a genius at school, but due to the current situation, I do not have the will to learn any longer. I cannot feel the joy inside me much longer. I just feel like it is worthless to live […]
Xnoir, I saw your comment.Here’s my e-mail: TafTafAttica@gmail.com . And if anyone who wants to send something to me or have a talk,mail me [please,don’t send me any viruses 🙂 ].
Also,if you want to chat,I have a Telegram account (for those who don’t know,Telegram is an app that you can install on your PC or your phone).My address is: @Taf_T .
Mind you,I live in Greece,so if you want us to have a chat,you should consider the time zone difference that we might have.
To flutterby: I saw your mail and thank you for sending it.I’ve been very busy lately,that’s why I haven’t answered to you.But,thanks again […]
Persephone’s nightmare
Lyrics (English translation):
Where once pennyroyal and wild mint grew
and the first cyclamen sprang up,
now peasants bargain on cement prise
and birds fall dead in melting furnace
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the mystics joined their hands
reverently before entering the sanctuary,
now passing tourists throw their cigarette butts
and go to see the new oil refinery
Sleep Persephone
in earth’s embrace,
to this world’s balcony
never come up again
where once the sea was blessed
and flocks and herds bleated joyfully in […]
Woke up some time after 4pm again for the millionth time in a row when I could have been productive today. I know over sleeping makes your body feel worse but I just can’t will myself out of bed until I absolutely have to. Because of this, I eat one meal a day at most (the term meal used loosely).
Thinking about a commenters words of finding a calm place. I’m not really sure I have one. Sometimes sleep can be freeing, but tbh I am often plagued by reoccurring nightmares of traumatic experiences and will cry in my sleep. I never really feel well rested […]
you made me happy. I was dumb for letting you go. I was dumb for not making time for you. I was dumb to set my feelings aside because I was scared of what we could be. When I finally wasn’t scared, and i told you everything I felt, I found you moved on. With another girl. It’s been a month, I should be over you. I’m not. I’m nowhere near over you. Why can’t I let you go? Why did I let you go?
Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m 17 now, not 13 and silly. When I think back what I was dealing with then seems so little, so insignificant. It’s funny how age and experience changes your view. I know, I know a 4 year age difference is not at all that big. But I feel like I’ve changed a lot and a lot has happened. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m heavily depressed and I know it, I’m not in denial or anything but I really […]
I have never had insomnia before, this is the first time in my life. It is hell and making my depression even worse.
Does anyone else have it? Or has anyone else had it? How did you deal with it?
On Sunday I will be flying to the United States to attend my partners funeral. We were in a long distance relationship and I hadn’t seen him in over a year, due to financial reasons. We talked everyday, until it happened.
Our love was like no other and anyone who has read my previous posts will know how much I loved him with all my heart and still do.
I have been having sleepless nights and hardly been eating anything at all, frequent anxiety attacks hit me when I think about making the long flight from Australia to USA. I know anxiety will hit me ten times […]
I have lost multiple people in my life. Many, many people. It hurts, I thought they would live forever, they would never leave me, but no they didn’t, people never do. It’s all my fault, all mine, they left this world, and I probably caused it… I was young, so little, my adoptive mother/great great grandmother loved me, hated me, protected me,exposed me, hid me, hurt me, but she kept me alive, she died when I was around seven. All I remember is her in the hospital bed with pictures of us taped to the many wires which were connected to her. She died, with […]
The minutes are torturess. It’s as if someone is screaming inside of me. My life has become unbearable.
But suddenly now I’m at peace, with the concept of death. I’ve reached the point where I’m okay with how I feel. I accept it. I accept that my life may end with an impulsive slit to the throat. I accept that I may go on for a lifetime feeling this pain and enternal hurt.
I accept these things, but it doesn’t mean I’m no longer aching inside. Because I am. I still have this dull heavy pain in my chest but I’m no longer fighting it. […]
I’m just going to put this here for me to re-read when I’m at a low point. Kind of as a public time-capsule. Bear with me as it’s going to be a lot about I-Me-My.
I was born to a single mom with a lot of personal issues. She was a pretty promiscuous party girl during my early childhood. She dated, and we lived with a few
different drug dealers before I was even 3, not that I minded at that age. I temporarily lived with my grandma for a year from 3 to 4. I don’t have any memory of
this but apparently, according to […]
i need someone to talk to…
i can’t deal with all the voices, the pain, the loss, the live…
i never noticed how heavy air is…
i wanna be me again… before all this happened…
the only way is to start again…
email me : keza.talwar@gmail.com
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A constant force of remorse and transgressions.
I awaken each day to another level of hatred for myself. I don’t want to wake up anymore. A definitive motion of loss.
Shamed. I am shamed with the undignified soul of one not meant to stay here. I know I won’t be missed or mourned. I feel the loss becoming me.
Tortured mind is the one I have. No more reason to stay.
Exhausted in the task of waking. Weak in my heart and soul.
I will leave the light tonight.
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