I’ve been getting better. But I just have this feeling that I won’t be here for much longer. I acknowledge the gifts I have but I could never imagine a future where I’d be able to share them with anyone.I can’t shake this feeling,its like I’m dying bit by bit. I can’t even imagine the pain that my family woulf be in if I killed myself,its as if it doesn’t matter to me anymore.I don’t think anyone will be surprised when it happens. I’m scared because I’m not even sad about it,this unsettling acceptance of death. I wish I could see what […]
This random graffito caught my eye while out for a jaunt tonight.
I think it sums up much perfectly. Were all alone, fighting with tears streaming down our face. But I see you.
(background music for those inclined)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FqmJy8HzQI
I haven’t posted or commented in a while. (Trips, Birthday, Best friends wedding, another wedding tomorrow…) But I see you. Serendipitous, one of Salt’s songs just started while on random.
Some days I think depression, loneliness won’t get the best of me. Most, other days, I’m not so sure. Is loneliness […]
I’ve totally fucked my life. Over the past 7 years I’ve self-injured. At my worst I didn’t care if I lived or died, I just needed an escape. Something to shut up the voice in my head, and let me breathe again. Now I’m almost 20 and the career that I’ve dreamed about my whole life is impossible because of the scars I have. And I understand why it’s a PDQ, but that doesn’t help me not beat myself up for fucking this up. And I also know that my mental instability was caused by circumstances beyond my control and occurred at a time in […]
Hello, friend
Yours, horrid and gruesome
I’m sorry if you ever saw in sludge
How can it ever to a profound if I can’t even stand
Friend, the title of this one is
What do I do in this alone
My naval clan still yet to comprehend
The objective, of the Grimer
If you dare
“…”
If you reach, in the pits
Revolve, from the viscous matter
Just for a moment
To take on, the damned
For the first time in a while, I was smiling. It wasn’t fake. I was okay. I had found some form of peace. Then I made one crucial mistake. I went to see my father. Of course. I couldn’t just leave well enough alone, could I? Now I’m right back where I started. Like all of the progress I’ve worked so hard to make has shattered in front of me. It was only a matter of time, but damn.. So soon?
Fuck it.
I have a lot of time on my hands almost everyday and it gives my mind a lot of room to think. What I ask myself most often is if I honestly matter? Do I even have a pirpose in life? And if so, why does it seem like my purpoae is to only cause people pain. I don’t matter to anyone, they all just act like they care so they can get something out of it. I am sick of this. What do I do besides leave everything behind?
I’ve read a lot of posts on here and it seems we all feel similarly which hurts. I feel for all of you. Its like were all stuck in a dark room with our depression and we can’t see anyway out but if we turn the lights on were not alone, we’re all here with the same issue, suicide. I can’t seem to get passed it and today was one of those days where I feel even more convinced that I should killl myself. I’ve changed from the person I was before but it doesn’t matter, I now know no matter how much good I […]
I finally figured out what it is. He completely invalidated my feelings. The love I’ve felt for him or anyone else, he writes off as stupid or crazy. So my feelings aren’t real to others and therefore don’t matter. Apparently you can stomp all over my ‘feelings’ and it won’t hurt me because I don’t really have any true, honest, normal and rational feelings like everybody else. That just invalidates my entire LIFE because I’ve known what I wanted out of life since I was 5. My death truly won’t matter.
i still dream about you every time i fall asleep i never imagined pleasant dreams could feel like nightmares but no matter how hard i try i cant stay awake forever i lose a little more of myself every time i wake up
I think this has to be one of my favourite quotes (not of my own creation, but well-liked all the same).
Rather than believing in the typical meaning behind this quote that just because you grow older and ‘wiser’, it does not mean that you will also mature in body, mind and soul; I personally interpretated this quote, due to my own experiences etc., as saying that sometimes no matter how hard you try for a period of time – whether it’s a few days or a few years -, your mind will never change. I suppose this could be passed as ignorance but that is […]
I’ve been suffering for a long time now. I spend 80% of the time I’m not at work locked away wishing the days would end and that I would never wake up.
I have a good life. Better than most probably. If I was to write a list of pros and cons the pros column would be at least five times longer.
BUT. It doesn’t seem to matter. Every stress and every pressure I feel so extremely. I struggle to shower and get out of bed of my days off, spending at least two days a week in my room. I cry when a stranger […]
Today I woke up to a very shitty morning and a job I hate. I don’t hate the job per se but I just lost interest in the things that I used to hold dear. I posted a part of my story on here a few days back so I don’t wanna regurgitate any of my erst while ramblings. But for those reading a post by me for the first time, I mentioned how I’d dropped out, lost my job a couple years ago after being decimated by a bout of depression. I took to vagabondage and sloth after that dreadful scenario because I had […]
The leaves blow gentle through that quiet night,
ever buffeted by the interminable winds,
tossing them back and forth.
Cessation never comes, nor therefore reprieve,
those veined, paper-thin sheets of matter
those had been once unified in life, now dying in separation
bare no word or action to tell of their torment
for true silence is their only comfort,
and, upon destruction, their only reward.
They live, they die.
And, somewhere in between, they suffer.
This morning, early of course, I don’t get much sleep anymore, at least I thought, left me in the dust. I told her about my depression and how sometimes I feel suicidal..I thought it would help opening up to someone. But it completely blew up in my face. I’m not sad about it, it’s expected isn’t it. She said that I was crazy and needed help..perhaps I do. I wasn’t asking for her pity, I don’t need pity, just her understanding and support you know. I see it as if she acted like that when I tried to open up to her, she was obviously […]
Not having a funeral when i die, people didnt want to make the effort to see me in life so it would be the greatest of insults for them to see me in death, it’s too late then, it’s not their fault it’s just the way it is…
I will be cremated and have my ashes discarded with only my immediate family present it doesnt matter where that takes place as it makes no difference..
Nights like this I wonder why I’m here
I have so much to say to cry for and of course no one is near
I feel everything but fear when it wins.
I just wanna end everything at once
I don’t see a reason to why I’m still around. Not one fuckin reason.
Everyday it’s something new.
It’s not anyone’s fault, but I do wish you knew
I yell and scream the pain away
But when it’s inside I can’t bare but to stray
To stray to a place where no one can go
There, no one can make me smile or hurt me
No one can say […]
I have a long weekend coming up since my work is closed Friday. My best friend suddenly isn’t talking to me and the guy I like and have done everything for and spent a ton of money on tells me he’s about to lose everything and be locked up again on the account of being homeless and doesn’t want to see me so fuck everyone for being fake, fuck everyone for not caring about me, fuck everyone my life doesn’t matter to, fuck this world and every last person in it. I’m fucking DONE!
You can hear the sound of my voice, grip my hand, flesh on flesh, and if you cut me I bleed, but I am simply not alive. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since the 5th grade when I watched my grandmother die. I dont know why I didnt cry. Arent you supposed to? Planned and pictured every possible way to end it. I’ve done horrible things to people and I know they were wrong, but I don’t feel guilt for any of it. I hate what I see in the mirror. It makes me want to scream and break things. Why am I so different from […]
I haven’t been posting much lately because I have too much to rant about and nobody needs to hear that shit. So.. have some ramblings.
im living on a grain of sand. If i make the wrong move, I’ll fall off. It’s so desolate and dry. I just want to turn it into a pearl. I need to break. I need to collapse and break things. I need to scream and put my fist through a wall. On the inside, i’m losing control, but they still seem to think i have my life together. In their eyes, im confident. In their eyes, I’m strong and focused. […]
You cannot reason with some people, some people will not stop, they cannot stop, until they kill your soul, whether they kill you in the process is more of a happy accident than an unfortunate consequence.
I have a soul, I had a heart, I don’t have much else.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t placate them, because they do not know that love and acceptance are very different things, hell, some don’t even know how to love to begin with.
I’ve met them all, and I was dumb enough to put my trust in them, those that will never understand me and, as such, want […]