A while back I posted some shit that wasn’t very thought about by me. I didn’t die, wished I did, and pussied out. Fuck… I just cried like the little ***** i am. I looked at myself in a mirror today and didn’t recognize myself. Even if they are ugly, people look in the mirror and think what they are looks good. People like you and me look into the mirror, and don’t see anything. We see someone we don’t know looking back at us. My depression got worse and worse, and the original depression became anger and hate. I have been told to go […]
Tag:
maybe
We are here, we are here, we are here!
Who wants to be ignored?
Who wants to spill their guts and be met with the snores of the disinterested masses?
Who wants to reach for help and get knocked back on their asses?
We are here, we are here, we are here!
Who wants a little more?
Who wants to not have to implore some poor friend-relative-stranger to dip their toes into the danger of caring even a little?
Who wants to stop whittling away at their lives and themselves and see with new eyes?
We are here, we are here, we are here!
Who– tell me now– who […]
Amongst other things my doc has fed me a steady diet of benzos. Not sure if it helps or hurts. It helps with anxiety maybe makes depression worse. They are pretty safe but im sure they are harmful. Sometimes i stare at the bottle and wonder… so peaceful so obtainable so tempting…
I don’t know whether or not I feel like things are worth it. Maybe some things and people are worth living for but what about the rest, what about the things you never asked for. I get that life throws you obstacles to get passed and learn a lesson from but I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to live with myself, my thoughts, my actions or things I don’t do for myself. I can’t live with my appearance, or who I am. I’m tired of losing people, tired of opening up to people that don’t care, and I’m so damn tired of letting […]
Just of a bit of let out from all of the emotions that have built up so far. I’m just unscrewing the lid of the bottle and only open slightly as I slightly tilt the bottle full of negativity.
Sure, I’ll play that role of that cheerful friend who is fine with all of your jokes. I’ll be that friend that you can call at 3 am cause I’ll always be awake.
“You’re not sleeping?” She asks.
“Hmmmmm, maybe in a minute, I found this video on the internet.”
I’ll be the one who is always there to stay quiet at the times needed, I won’t ask why you’re […]
I remember leaving my soul
I’d forgotten that I needed it to
Feel
But maybe when I die
I’ll just grab it real quick
And come right back
I remember losing my mind
I’d forgotten that I needed it
To think and maybe to keep me alive
I can’t believe I’vegot this far
With a head so empty
I. Remember losing my faith
I forgot I needed God like a big brother
But maybe when I die
I will die escaping
I will die returning to the fold
I told my parents that I wanted to kill myself today. They forced me to tell them why, it was hard telling them and to be honest I didn’t tell them the whole story. I don’t feel any different, I thought telling them would help but it didn’t. I still want to kill myself. They said we’d talk as a whole family tomorrow but I don’t. I’m really thinking about ending it tonight. I’m in to much pain here, maybe the other wprld will make me feel better.
Moved to a new city for work. Don’t know anyone here.
Sometimes the world seems full of people I don’t want to know. People who lead dull, uninteresting, self-satisfied lives. Bored and boring people going about their humdrum existence.
Sometimes I think maybe it’s the other way around. That I’m dull and uninteresting and that world is beautiful and full of light and beautiful, interesting people shun me because I’m weird and fucked up and beneath contempt.
Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I’m sad. Mostly what I am is alone.
Thought I’d take the effort to upload it to youtube, this song is just stunningly beautiful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwzTEq9CUGQ
Lyrics:
Call me crazy but maybe this seems a little movie like
This whole saying goodbye
This whole frozen in time thing
“Well it’s better to have loved..” I keep telling myself
Well anything is better than this
There comes a time when you realise
That it’s better to let go of a dove than watch it become the vulture
We pray that this won’t eat us up
To every chapter written be thankful it was a part of the book at all
There’s a lot of blood in the ink
There’s […]
It’s cold and lonely out there… I wish I was as warm as one of the beautifully blended paintings I’m gazing at right now, maybe one day. These blankets and pillows trying to replicate the warmth of another human’s flesh is pathetic. I’m pathetic. All I want is to be embraced with fervor, where are you? Uncertainty is so horrid, I hate it. I hope to death that these four walls around me don’t become my prison. I want to astral project myself into another dimension, please just take me away from here.
-Immurement
Nights like this I wonder why I’m here
I have so much to say to cry for and of course no one is near
I feel everything but fear when it wins.
I just wanna end everything at once
I don’t see a reason to why I’m still around. Not one fuckin reason.
Everyday it’s something new.
It’s not anyone’s fault, but I do wish you knew
I yell and scream the pain away
But when it’s inside I can’t bare but to stray
To stray to a place where no one can go
There, no one can make me smile or hurt me
No one can say […]
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring […]
Silently, drifting throughout space, progressing to the unknown, flying among the stars. Maybe space intrigues me so much because it’s so untouched, untainted by the disease known as humanity. Cast me into the cloudy, toxic atmosphere of Jupiter, let it’s grand beauty and violent winds suffocate me and tear me apart.
To all those who are suicidal and read this. Your situations vary, your reasoning for wanting to end it all are different. But, I’m not one for good advice, nor am I happy really. I’ve dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts as well. This is based on my experiences.
So you have no friends, no one likes you it seems. Why? Maybe, try to talk to people more if you don’t, it may be that they are like you, or are just apathetic and need a friend like you to talk to and hang out with. Maybe everyone truly doesn’t like you, which is unlikely, […]
…they had state run suicide facilities? Wouldn’t it be gnarly? A place you could go and just be, “put to sleep”, like an animal at the vet. How many people would go? How many would go during a brief period of irrationality, or some other kind of temporary causal factor? Many people feel suicidal at one point or another, most don’t act upon these feelings. But if it were that easy then maybe
All around me the world is going insane, people getting bolder and indane.
Violence throughout with no discrimination, all people lost in oblivious conversation.
Society falls apart before our very eyes, and we fail to see through the silent lies.
Told through the pages of history, that have now become a lost majesty.
Bring us our daily bread, and then choke on the toxic lead.
That you feed us through a broken spoon, but then lead us to a lost tune.
I know this poem makes no sense, but neither does this world so tense.
Our world has reach peak insanity, yet there’s still yet another calamity.
There’s always enough room, for yet […]
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that i’m ready to leave. The only thing that keeps me here is the responsibilities I feel I owe my family. I’m 19 years old, and the only boy in my family. 2 sisters and my single mother. So you can imagine the huge amount of pressure I’m under to succeed. We have always been broke. Growing up my mother had many boyfriends come and go, many of them physically abusive toward her and me. (never my sisters though). As a child growing up I had Enormous potential, I’m extremely intelligent, there’s no denying as I have […]
I haven’t been posting much lately because I have too much to rant about and nobody needs to hear that shit. So.. have some ramblings.
im living on a grain of sand. If i make the wrong move, I’ll fall off. It’s so desolate and dry. I just want to turn it into a pearl. I need to break. I need to collapse and break things. I need to scream and put my fist through a wall. On the inside, i’m losing control, but they still seem to think i have my life together. In their eyes, im confident. In their eyes, I’m strong and focused. […]
Now I’m the one who wants to do the abandoning. Partly because this way, I’ll have nothing that keeps me from ending it all anymore. Seems counterproductive, doesn’t it? After all, when we’re at our worst, we benefit from remembering the things that motivate us to stay alive. It’s not like that for me. My relationship with my girlfriend, the few friendships I entertain, the big projects I have organized for the second half of this year… They don’t seem like reasons to wake up in the morning, but like handcuffs that keep me tied to this life I don’t want.
I don’t know if it’s […]
Maybe it’s just me over thinking. Maybe it’s just my imagination. Maybe it’s just the memories. Maybe it’s just the voices in my head and the demons inside of me. Every night I undergo a spell that won’t set me free even when the sun rises and the dark is supposed to go. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want my demons to drown, but sadly they know how to swim..