I should have kept going to therapy, I should have told my mom that I was sticking my finger down my throat to lose weight, I should have told her that my therapist wasn’t helping me, and I should have told her how low I truly was.
I could have spared her false peace of mind, I could have saved myself from this relapse.
But, I didn’t, and I wouldn’t, and now I’m paying for it.
Tag:
Mom
Yesterday I went to a family Christmas party on my mom’s side of the family.
Two years ago this party was something my entire family attended, all 5 of my sisters and I would go together, with our parents. We were all there every single year, together.
However since that time, everything has changed. My 19 year old sister was kicked out of my family when she was 17 causing my parents to accuse anyone trying to help my sister of taking sides. Because of my parents choices, I wasn’t allowed to see my sister, grandma, aunt, or cousins, except for once or twice a year. […]
I must be really awesome. I do everything for everyone and in return I was told to die by my mom my sister I’m learning how to deal with (but yes she still beats me and I fucking beat her when she does) then I was thrown into a fireplace and now have a bruise the size of half my arm swollen and tender to the touch. Awh I have a good life huh? Then my mom called me ugly. And beat me with a brush. Sister suffocated me so I couldn’t scream. I hate my life I feel like I’m losing my best friend […]
i’m 28. currently unemployed and living with my mother. i just (on xmas eve) had my second consecutive miscarriage in less than two yrs (both different fathers, so it’s not a chromosome incapatibility) i’m beyond broken from this. ALL i think about is dying day and night. or getting so F’d up on pills so i don’tt ‘feel’ anymore but i can’t get any. my mother was supportive and comforting at first, then i got upset and called her a name. she wont let me forget it nor does she understand i did not mean it, i was hurt and taking my pain out on the […]
Hey everyone most of you might know some of this but i really just need to get this out. No one really knows some of this stuff in my life but I need to get it off my chest.. I can’t carry this weight forever. and I can’t carry this weight alone. I trust so many of you on this site not to judge me or even respond but just to.. understand. Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense either.. I’m just trying to purge all of this information to maybe make more sense of it.. don’t worry it won’t be too long ill try […]
well just got out of my two week stay at the suicide part of the hospital, i feel even worse than before. I go through all this shame of being suicidal and all the dirty looks of the staff members when i dealt with them. Being suicidal sucks, i failed ten times before and the eleventh i think ive got it made but my mom found me too early and i lived then spent the next few weeks in a mental institution. God wont let me die and its fucking cruel!
I get so fucking tired of the “it will get better” and the “Don’t give up! That’s just when things are going to change!” or my favorite “There is a light at the end of the tunnel!” Fuck you. That light? It’s a god damn oncoming train.
Oh and those fuckin pro life bullshit assholes.. why Yes! YES!! YES I DO wish that my mother had aborted me asswipe. I dont know why she didn’t.
When I was 3 months old I had spinal menigitis. 3 weeks in the hospital. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped. No one held me. No one wanted to. […]
Its been over a year since I attempted suicide and I am still struggling with some aspects of my experience. I decided to participate in this project because I think that suicidal people need a voice to speak about their experiences with, especially since there is an onslaught of media messages and peer pressure that distorts perceptions of suicide. Since I came through my attempt, I have decided to talk about it and hope that my story helps others, so here goes.
I’ve been suicidal for years. My Mom said that moodiness and sadness were all part of being a teenager and that it would pass, […]
Well, the long awaited Christmas break started Friday and I dont feel any better. My hopes were that with 1o days off from school that i could pull myself together and maybe actually be happy again. I was wrong, of course. Dont get me wrong, Christmas Eve and Christmas were pretty great- probably the only happy days ill have for awhile. Ive basically been hounded by my family about school and grades (the cause of my depression relapse and suicidal thoughts) the entire break. My mom is putting pressure on me to do well so i can get into med school like i want and […]
what will you do,if your family found out that your cutting??
when they did i felt so uncovered like an open book infront of them,at least i said maybe this is where my life will take a turnover to good,but no all it did go worse than ever,my mom is keeping a close eye on me,always screaming at me,she took me to do a drug test to see if i take any kind of drugs.
my dad always asking for the reason why i did so!!
and every fucking day my mom run a check up to see if i had any new cuts
i […]
So I guess my life has been all over the place. It’s just kinda at a standstill right now. I’m not good, but I’m not as bad as I was last year… My non-biologically related friend that I consider my mom will be back from a trip tomorrow. That’s a good thing because I really want to talk to her.
reasons for doing this
1. Im addicted to trying to hurt myself
2.I have loads of pills its to hard to get rid of them.At at least for me.
3. Im pretty sure nothing will come of it anyway. After all ive attempted suicide more times than can count and a lot of the times i was never admitted for treatment.
4. Ive been very scared lately of death which is very ironic.But the point is i dont want to be around without the people i love.I dont want to feel the emotional pain of loss.
5 I cant survive on my own.One of my […]
Lets see how much of this I can say without crying…
When I was 3 I moved from Michigan to Indiana because my parents got divorced. My mother immeadiatly got custody of me and my bother and sister. 3 years later my dad got remairred to a woman named Stephanie. She was nice most of the time, some of the time she was just awful. When my dad was gone she would scream and throw things. She secretly hated my father. All she wanted was a baby, but he couldn’t give her that. We all knew about this, but he never realized it. One night, […]
Its me…..i’ve still been cutting….i’ve been cutting for 3 years now. And i cant stop. I dont know how to get help and i don’t know how to tell my parents. they found out before and supposedly am a lot better but i never really felt that way. Or maybe i did feel better but i can’t let go of my past and i never stopped cutting. I dont cut in my wrists anymore cause my mom got really mad at me the last time she saw it….she hasn’t been very understanding but then again i know its hard for a my mom to see […]
For as long as I can remember I have thought of suicide, even back in elementary… I had no friends until the 4th grade. Things were okay until i shit my pants in the 5th grade therefore once again becoming an outcast. No friends in high school even though it was a fresh start I was still too awkward to make friends. Even when the thoughts are gone or I think everything is going good, it comes right back. Why cant I shake these thoughts? Im a loser and a weirdo, I have no friends and no one likes me. The only reasons I havent […]
How do you really tell someone you’re in pain without it bothering them? Without making them feel useless for not being to help you? Normal activities will only take you so far. Should I return to pointlessly opening my flesh? How many OD’s til I get it right? When will this spit stay in my mouth? When will my body stop aborting itself? I don’t want to kick and thrash anymore. I don’t want to freeze in one state for minutes on end. I want my old life back. When I was a humorous person to be around, when I would laugh at myself even. […]
Tonight I have thought about driving over a bridge, drowning in my bathtub or just slitting my wrists with broken glass. It’s a disease. Suicide is something that takes you over and makes you weaker and weaker.
Strange that today I am willing to take my life when I remember pulling through all the difficulties, I am still alive but it’s not that I have to just keep on going through and surviving through yet another hard time but that I have to remember and re-live the pain of when I first held a bottle of pills. It used to be that nobody knew, that behind […]
I don’t know why but it just feels like the entire worlds against me. I’m so sick of it I’ve been depressed for so long and every day I contemplate suicide. I always feel like a psycho and I don’t care what happens to me hell my friends the few I have even call me psycho! I want to end it all so bad but every time I’m about to I think of my mom and family and how much it would hurt them. I need help someone anyone fucking help me….
I can’t get this feeling to go away. I feel bitter, I feel lost, I feel helpless.. I want to drink myself into a coma. I try so hard to make everyone happy even though everything is literally falling apart all around me. My best friend’s sister died 3 months ago in a drunk driving accident, she was 19.  even though we weren’t that close, she was still like an older sister to me. and I have never seen someone so young and so beautiful be so still and so lifeless. she didn’t even look like herself at all.. it haunts me everyday, all I can […]
I haven’t been here for a while. And honestly, when I came back, I wasn’t expecting much of any attention. I nearly thought this was going to be like facebook, with people saying ‘oh u shuldn’t b sad all the time u shuld b happi!’ but no.
Instead? People are supportive. Encouraging to live, not die. I was wrong about this place. Maybe this is a new leaf being turn? Or some sort of phrase like that, I don’t know..
But for those who are/may be concerned, life has gotten to a standstill. I’m neither happy nor sad on this year’s holidays. Maybe it’s for the best […]