I think I can do it, actually I know I can. I can accept my guilt, I don’t need to throw away my morals. It will hurt my family but that’s okay, they’ll know I’ll finally be at peace. I can end this, I will finish this. No more will I be a part of this circus. My dream will come true and I will finally get some sleep. I have hope that I can be free once and for all.
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need
We sometimes need to be reminded of once-happy moments of our childhood. And sometimes you just need to take a walk down a quiet forest path, or on a calm clear beach, just a place to be away from all the noise. That is what my experience was sorta like seeing this sorta clip of nature. The ideas brought into this video, the feeling of peace has helped bring back those memories for me. If you’re in any moment or feeling of distress, I hope this can somehow calm your senses.
This week has been completely terrible for me but then again everyday is kinda bad for me. I’ll always be able to find something to make me more upset than i already am. I’ve been thinking more than i usually do on a daily basis. I’m 16 right now and a sophomore in high school. everyone’s is telling me that i need to make a decision about what Im going to do in the future. What classes I should take to benefit my future, what college i need to go to. what career I am interested in and etc. there’s only one profession I’m interested […]
I found out a couple hours ago that I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Needless to say, I have had panic attacks, and the Angels have became almost unbearable. I can’t see her tomorrow. I can’t see her ever. She’s going to get me. The Others are going to get me. Every session with her I’m restless, uncomfortable, and waiting for them to attack me.
They’re going to this time. Kemuel told me. He knows. I can’t go tomorrow, but my mother won’t let me miss another session. She’s letting them get me, she’s going to let them kill me. She’s part of them, and now I’m […]
I don’t need you-
to feel whole,
to fill holes
(in fact, you leave me empty).
I had pins and needles
in place of feelings,
and a pill-pack
in place of friends.
Eyes open but not seeing;
you blinded me.
Numb to pain-
too pained to feel
LEAVE ME ALONE- I beg of you.
I stomp you into soil
and planted you.
You’ll never grow,
but I will.
I don’t need you-
Alright guys and gals, here’s my two cents. I’ve been thinking about offing myself for, say, two years give or take. I wasn’t really sure how I’d do it or anything, but it seemed the most logical outcome of my life and here’s why:
I’m one of those people who, for some reason or another, have been blessed (or cursed) with a high degree of sensitivity. Now, I’m not saying that I get upset over little things. Far from that, I let most shit slide. When I say sensitive I mean there’s always this intense emotion and love towards other people -that’s why I find […]
IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS POST, READ THIS SECTION IN BOLD FIRST:
I found this in an old notebook dated May 27th 2015 and I decided to type it out to keep it documented since I need to destroy the notebook before my family see it and hand it to my psychiatrist.
It contradicts quite a lot, and it’s extremely confusing. I don’t remember writing any of this. I can only assume I wrote it during a time when I was too ‘in-tune’ with my hallucinations to understand what I was doing.
The contradictions may be different voices and/or demons/figures arguing with one another, I don’t know […]
(Not a poem this time, I just need to rant)
I’m a size 8. I still feel like a size 18.
I wear a medium shirt. I still feel like a size XXL.
I look in the mirror and my face bloats.
I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate the dimples in my cheeks. I hate my lips. I hate my chin.
It’s been getting worse lately and I don’t know how to stop the skewed perception I have of myself.
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, I do yoga, I eat healthy (I’m vegan ffs) yet I still feel disgusting and guilty everytime I […]
Getting lost in fantasy is how I get through most of my day. I always imagine myself being a vigilante bringing criminals to justice, a mutant who can walk through walls and a drop dead gorgeous guy who dates lots of hot people ( I am Bi-sexual). Fantasy gets me through my miserable daily existence but the inability to actually live out my fantasies worsens my depression.
In Real life I am an absolute W.O.S. My anxiety is always flaring and it impedes my participation in life as a functional adult. I also lack the knack to be competitive in life. I live vicariously through pessimistic and fatalistic […]
So, im new here. Ive had manic depression since i was a child. But in the last few months ive been on a terrible low. I was thrown out of my house, due to an argument with a roomate that escalated to blows, they had a kid, they got to stay. So now im living in my parents basment, i lost my job when i lost my place. Realy the only thing keeping me sane at the moment are the chemicle kisses (drugs) and my childhood friend… But now he is trying to get clean… And i support his decision, drugs are bad…. Mkay? But […]
Why am I back here? I suppose I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s all just empty. All the crap I fill my mind with to keep me going. It’s all just illusory. Most of it’s fantasy, and what isn’t is hollow.
And maybe sensing this makes me afraid. Because maybe humans need to believe in goals to survive and thrive. Maybe we need to believe that this one thing we’re focusing on will make everything worthwhile. Because if we lose that belief, then why do anything? Why not just lay down and die?
Apathy is a threat to survival. Maybe that is why I’m afraid.
Mornings seem to be the worst.
At any rate I’m feeling upset, angry? that not just that my ex gave up on us, but that she (probably, I might be simply imagining that she feels that way) believes she had no choice. That there was no chance for us. That we (she?) wasn’t healthy enough.
I don’t believe this at all. I do not believe my being depressed and anxious means I can’t be in a relationship, or have a healthy one. My ex and I had this one issue, serious enough for her to leave me, but- even she said this- we were amazing in every other […]
Not even here. I was contemplating sui before and sometimes I think of it. But I feel like I don’t relate anymore. I don’t know if I should even be writing this. I don’t think I should be here. But can’t rule myself out just yet. I obviously need or seek help and guidance but, maybe. Why can’t I be normal like I used to be. Just pull myself together like before. I have a hard time reading others’ posts because I don’t know if I’m going through anything other than self pity.
I’m so tired of this! I’m so tired of being treated like trash! I broke up with my girlfriend cause I wasnt happy. She’s now putting me through hell and making me feel horrible. I’m tired of my family being horrible to me. I’m tired of being made fun of. I’m tired of not wanting to go home. I want this to be over but I’m trapped. I cant get out of here alive. I just want to die and get this all over with. I dont have a special person I’ll be leaving so that wont hold me back. No one cares except my […]
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the […]
i am lost in this physicial world of existance and not even jesus can save me because i dont need spuritual ..I am worthless at least that’s what they have told me…living homeless on and off for twenty five yrs isn’t fun and am quite sick of it now… shattered both my legs in Oct 6th of 2000…left me a gimp..and no one is willing to help a poor homeless gimp out…I am a cowered I can’t even take my own life I am ashamed at who I’ve become lost my mom at the age of fifteen…brother abused me when I was ninenine,ten, and eleven…father and […]
I have dealt with more pain than you think. You have no reason to judge me. The simple fact that you judge me proves that you are smaller and weaker than me. You can’t deal with the pain I’ve been through. Yeah you can say all you want about me, but it’s not gonna change what I believe and I believe in myself. I don’t need to believe in you or your friends or your family. I don’t have to listen to you or what you have to say. I am me for a reason and no one can change that. You can go fuck […]
This may be a bit confusing to some of you, but it’s what has the need to be let out of my head. When you’re depressed you need to hold onto whatever you can to live. Make up an excuse and believe it. I can’t say I have felt more pain than someone else because no one can feel what someone feels. I can imagine what others have been through based on my tolerance of pain, but to say I have it worse than someone else does can’t be true. Yes, I know this is horrible, but at least once everyday I imagine killing myself […]
I’ve decided that with the two outcomes of this year I have given myself, depending on how the year goes, I need to move out of state at least halfway through the year. I need to get away from my life here and make a new one if I can. If I can’t, I want to put space between myself and the people in my life. I need to create a barrier to where they will blame themselves less. I will put myself in an area where I only have to occasionally check in with them. I will make a new life. I will try […]