I got frustrated watching the Sopranos last night because the characters were acting stupid. My anger at these fictional people once again reminded me of how empty my life is. I recently came to the realization that I don’t actually have any friends. My co-workers only care about what I have to say if it’s entertaining and won’t hang out with me after hours. The friends that I do see in my spare time only ever want to do stuff once every 3 or 4 months. The guy that I considered my best friend is little more than an acquaintance. I’ve told him so much […]
Tag:
needs
And having so much trouble. Why the hell can’t I phrase anything the way that it needs to be said and that accurately expresses it????
Just seconds after my last post, I see him with some girl. Mr Nobody Likes Me. Yeah right. He’s gorgeous enough to have them lined up and on a wait list until 2045. I can understand that he’d never no chance in hell go for me but what I can’t understand is totally ignoring and writing someone off who would do anything for you. Must be that he convinced himself that my love can’t be real since I’m so ugly it must be that I’m jus desperate or crazy. If somebody wanted time with me I wouldn’t ignore them or write them off. He damn […]
Wow, off topic right?
Well if anyone needs a cheer up, Bleach is on Netflix. Also a lot of other anime.
Does anyone know about the Siege of Masada? Or why history repeats it’s self, only the venom becomes stronger (technology) war and fighting comes to mind right off, add in severe hunger and a true psychopath can come out. Karma, Dogma, Poor Programing Intelligent Universe? Why did/do I need to live in or around and be a predator at the expense of others? Who and what needs this information and behavior? How far back does one have to stand to make any sense of “sweat of the brow” slavery and decay pain including painful repairs. Pain, what an invention, invisible and truly disquieting or worse, […]
This is my second post on here. My first was a rant about my life. I just need a friend! Oh my god! I’m so sick of being lonely all the time. If I really pushed myself, I could get a job, stop being homeless, blah blah blah… but for what reason? I have nobody. Nobody cares. I cut myself, burn myself, drink to the point I pass out, and and I fucking hate myself so much.
I threw everything away and sacrificed college for a family that pushed me away. I lost my friends to my depression. I’ve tried replacing them with self harm and […]
A friend of mine recently said to me ‘ you’re the author of your own life’ and my response was the title of this post. It’s true. It’s similar to the saying ‘men are masters of their own fate’ I suppose.
To make my recent downward spiral more persistent is the recent events involving my boyfriend of almost 1 year cheating on me with someone who used to be a good friend of mine, talk about ironic since she’s supposed to be in a relationship with my boyfriends best friend.. They insisted on lying but the truth always reveals itself eventually. Ha.
Anyways, apart from the usual […]
The goods: Sleeping patterns and grogginess in the morning significantly improved even with my Xanax, Restoril and Seroquel taken right before bedtime and those usually leave me feeling pretty sluggish the morning after. Energy levels have improved somewhat, slight restless feeling mirrored with a slight feeling of being content. Less flashbacks and bad memories so far.
The bads: Dry mouth/throat, some hotflashes, some heart palpitations, impotence, content feeling but at the same time not happy and still feel like I have even more motivation to kill myself. I guess it’s like a trade, my body feels energetic and my mind feels a bit clearer but at […]
Here’s a piece of advice for anyone who needs it. Enjoy life. Even when all feels hopeless, enjoy life. Happiness, we chase a dream but it doesn’t exist. There is no pure happiness, we have to settle for 50/50. Peace of mind.
Life is what you make it? Partly true. Life can give you stones instead of lemons sometimes. It takes courage to face these problems. Believe in yourself and love yourself no matter what. Because there is always someone else in your shoes. Don’t let a bad past or things that have happened to you follow you through your life. No it’s not easy, life […]
Today is a day I don’t want to live
I don’t want to breath
I don’t want to smile
Thinking is out of the question
I want to cry and scream
I go through so many days just doing life
When I sit down and think about life
I drop
My mental thoughts decline
my smile fades to tears
I lose it
spending time on my own is bad
i decline to suicide
Death is pending
life is lengthy
I feel i have done my amount of time containing all the hurt i need
the broken hearts are unbearable
My life needs to stop
But i breath through another day
my friend acts like she has bigger problems than everyone. I’m not discrediting her depression, but considering the fact that I used to self harm and am on 187.5 mg of antidepressants, I think she needs to step back and consider the fact that other people have problems. it’s all dandy to talk about yourself but it’s a major trigger for me to talk about it, so maybe she should save it for her therapist.
i need people who don’t define themselves by their depression.
whoops I’m totally sorry that I decided to share my opinion. I guess this site is for people who want to try […]
I just slapped my 5 year old brother. Before you jump to conclusions let me explain. Me and my older sister just got kittens, they were abandoned buy their mothers and they are only 5 and 6 weeks old. My brother, we’ll call him Mike, keeps grabbing them and squeezing their tummy’s and basically being really rough with them.
We’ll about half an hour ago, he decided that he was the kittens…. father, I got really annoyed because he was being really mean and loud. So, eventually I told him that he needs to let them be (he was also holding the hostage), and he started […]
He said he cared, he said he would never leave. When I tried to push him away he wouldn’t let me. Until he got drunk and his friends saw he had a message from me. Now I lost him. And I don’t know how to cope. He says he needs to work through his things. So i guess I have to hope he comes back once he does. It hasn’t even been a week but it’s been torture. What do I do. Do I try to talk to him? Or do I forget him.
A while ago I made the commitment to myself that if I can not change my state of mind, my hate of myself, and find the release needed to deal with this pain… I would get what I always wanted for my birthday.
Have been working really hard at being mindful of my thoughts. Why I feel that way, what causes it, and who is the biggest influence in my life.
Reaching out, puts so much on that person I love, how can they be honest?!? Know my thoughts good and bad, and know what needs to change, but who I am won’t allow it.
Can’t help but […]
Today is Father’s Day and here I am in solitude because I’m such a failure as a father. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety over a year ago and I’ve been struggling with it for a long time. I had it managed until recently when my medication ran out and with no health insurance, I’ve fallen back.
Today’s supposed to be a celebration of one’s father and a celebration of me being a father…but depression reared its ugly head and I yelled at my son and in turn everyone has turned their backs on me. I’ve laid here for hours thinking about the butcher knife […]
Lights seeps in
Darkness fades away
Darkness seeps in
Light fades away
In between is a balance
A balance for neutral peace
Peace cannot be destroyed only pushed away
We all go through darkness
We all go through light
In between is a balance that’s just right
so sit tight dear kite
for you will fly in such great height
for you are the light
so that the dark will sit right in tight
for peace of flight that is just right
~M00n – how was it? I just wanted to express my feelings on total peace and how the dark needs to come together with the light to work together and sort out what they are feeling when they […]
Sad that I have nowhere else to vent, because no one listens to me. Hell, I hardly get a response here.
Anyway, I told a little white lie to get out of work early yesterday and hang out with the dreamboat that will never be mine. But I guess I’m lucky I can get to take out a guy like that even if it’s not exactly a date and he’ll never see me that way. -sigh- But it has its perks. I get to be out with a gorgeous guy and he gets to “feel spoiled for once.” It’s nice that we can talk openly at […]
Hey my name is Olivia and I’m 15. Lately a lot of shit has been going on in my life and I’m finding it harder and harder to find a reason to live. So much has been going on with bullying, cyberbullying and self harm. I’ve lost a lot of friends because of it and I don’t think I can go on like this much longer. I really need someone to talk to, someone who understands, I’ve heard some people call it depressions buddies but yeah, I need someone. And if anyone ever needs to talk or needs help then you can kik me anytime. My kik […]
How many times do we have to feel grief, fear, hatred, jealousy and everything else put together do we people have to go through? How many times do you sit there and feel dead inside when someone is constantly bringing you down. I have a boyfriend and he can sit there and call me beautiful and say he loves me but I don’t feel it. I feel used, I hate it knowing that he always prefers to watch beautiful blond perfect body’s fuck themselves but won’t touch me. Unless he feels so hard that he needs a vagina to get him off.
I almost jumped off […]
It’s been a long time since my last post here. I like to think of that as positive improvement, yet for some reason, during my breakdown today, coming here was the only thing that made the tears stop flowing.
I’ve been feeling a great deal of pressure lately. My sister has been struggling with anxiety and depression for a while now. The past 2 years to my knowledge. This year it got really bad. She stopped going to choral practice and missed a lot of her senior year. She simply stopped doing anything that used to matter to her. So I convinced my parents to send […]