Tag:

pain

I’m losing my mind

by Ylem 1/2/2016

written by Ylem

Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.

How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.

I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. […]

1/2/2016 7 comments

a sick state of mind

by evildandelions 1/2/2016

written by evildandelions

This morning I woke up crying and in physical pain from grief. There’s too much in my mind to write about it all, can’t even form a coherent organization to it all.

But the sick thing is, I woke up wondering if I should take the pills now or go to a thrift store that has 50% sale on saturday. So, basically, I want to buy clothing and then attempt to hurt or kill myself (unlikely, sadly, although maybe if I added vicodin to the mix- klonopin and vicodin are contraindicated) .

I spoke to my ex yesterday. It was good in ways, to know that she misses […]

1/2/2016 4 comments

I don’t know

by whydoiwantto 1/2/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Sometimes I feel dissociated from life. I am consumed yet still apart from sadness or anger or depression, like I’m treading in the middle of the ocean, watching the giant crests and seeing nothing but blue and overwhelming emptiness.

My dad started drinking again after a period of forced sobriety due to drunk hospital visits. I found out by being stopped in the stairs of the apartment building and warned that he was passed out for several hours and had been drinking for several days. He had already been back to the hospital. His liver and pancreas and brain are all fucked up.

It’s like dealing with […]

1/2/2016 1 comment

I tried….

by run rabbit run 1/1/2016

written by run rabbit run

I succumbed to my depression and 2 days ago attempted to end my life….

a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of pain pills didn’t do the trick.

I lived………feel like shit though…..

whens this hurt gonna end?

1/1/2016 2 comments

New Year. New Beginning.

by Ylem 12/31/2015

written by Ylem

My 3 year old niece sang me happy birthday over the phone. That was really cute and it made me smile. I also cried a little because I miss her. I haven’t seen her in a while. So, for a moment I forgot about the pain. For a moment…

It’s a new year. A new day. Same damn shit, different day. It’s just another shitty day. Nothing special. That’s how I feel about this day.

Happy New Year SP. Hope your year turns out better. I see mine going downhill and fast.

So the horror that is my life begins…

N.N.M

12/31/2015 4 comments

Still low, doing okay, feel alone. I’ll be alright…

by YouAreStrong 12/31/2015

written by YouAreStrong

I’m hoping this is just something that will pass shortly but I think it’s going to be here for a while, I thought I might as well just type out how I’m feeling.

I’m sat in my house alone. My family have gone to their friend’s for a party leaving me here, I don’t blame them for the past couple months I’ve been the most depressing person to be around. I’m not seeing this getting any better anytime soon and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. My friends are all dressed up and at a party I wasn’t invited to, so I’ve got no […]

12/31/2015 2 comments

I want to bleed

by Ylem 12/31/2015

written by Ylem

Today is my birthday. I’m officially 22. I was born around 7 in the evening, only lived about 5 hours of 1993. What the fuck is so damn happy about it?

I have been trying to make the most of this day. I took a walk with my sisters to the park. Played on the swings like an 8 year old. I remember when I was that young. I chased around my little sister and nephew. It helped me forget for a moment.
I forgot that deep down inside, I’m fucking furious. Just that moment.

The urge to cut has been growing intensely. I don’t want to […]

12/31/2015 2 comments

Tis the season…

by Romanticide 12/28/2015

written by Romanticide

For all things wonderful, for family, for gift giving and gift receiving. For eating too much and drinking too much. For laughing with others and enjoying ourselves.

Yet why during this time do I year after year research ways or attempt to kill myself. I understand it’s a tough time of year. However I can’t say anything specific happened this time of year. I just can’t keep up with the joyfulness I feel the pressure to be a part of. The rest of the year I can hide away and blend in if I feel like crap, but people seem to notice a lot more this […]

12/28/2015 2 comments

Snake bitten

by creep25 12/27/2015

written by creep25

I cant see myself growing old. Somehow I just know that my death will not be a natural one. Ive spent my entire life on my knees just trying to crawl through this darkness with no end in site and I am so tired. When I ask myself what the best part of living is I immediately think death because it is the only thing that ends this unbearable cycle. I spent the first five years of my life being regularly raped by a family member and watching my mother die from an incurable illness while being beat on by my drug abusing alcoholic father. The […]

12/27/2015 2 comments

Hope and light

by eva_marie 12/27/2015

written by eva_marie

What I thought was once lost, I’ve found in you. I know you’re going through a lot at the moment, and I understand, but I feel as though I’ve already fallen for you. I wish I could take all your pain away, I do. I’m here for you, and would do anything to help you stay. I will be your light in your dark corner, as you’ve been in mine.

12/27/2015 0 comment

Holiday Pain & Loneliness

by Ending_Pain 12/25/2015

written by Ending_Pain

This year is especially hard for me. I’m separated, no close family, no close friends, new medical issues, no job, no kids, no pets… No one to be with through the holidays.
I see post after post on Facebook of people with either friends and/or family. All i want to do is cry!
I’m in so much pain physically and emotionally, i just want it to stop!

12/25/2015 7 comments

That one song that expresses your feelings

by Rinka 12/24/2015

written by Rinka

Have you ever listened to one special song or melody that makes you numb inside, makes you want to cry out of pure pain and scream?
I personally love techno, and it has helped a lot by just listening to some certain songs. I would have gone mad without music. My favourite song is Glaze – Energy Sway.
Do you have a favourite song?

12/24/2015 7 comments

Wanting to die for 20 years

by SheWantedToGoBlind 12/22/2015

written by SheWantedToGoBlind

What is it in people that keep them around? I see so much suffering, grief. Awful things- and I think- why do they keep on going? Why don’t they just end the misery?
Why haven’t I ended the misery. I’ve tried to be optimistic. These feelings will pass, the vice will loosen it’s grip upon my neck. And it does, for short while. But, for the past 2 years, the pain has been ever present. The desire to disappear grows with each hour. I look for a cure, for a reason to stay, but cannot find one.

12/22/2015 5 comments

Open Letter To My FB Friends

by mangel 12/22/2015

written by mangel

I hate Facebook today.

Last night, I learned that a friend took her own life. Her Facebook page is full of pictures with her arms wrapped around her children, positive quotes, jokes, “happy” pictures with friends and deeply spiritual thoughts.

We post glimpses of our hearts not wide open pictures of our real life. We are careful not to show depth or vulnerability. God forbid that someone would see our flaws or pain.

I am learning that the keyboard becomes a template on which people […]

12/22/2015 7 comments

i might die right now

by Chaucer 12/21/2015

written by Chaucer

I promised a not to take enough to kill myself to my girlfriend. I relapses and had a paid attack and stole my dads pain meds but they were really strong ad I drank alot of vodka with itandnow I can’t focus get well can you tell me what to do to help my system deal with them? Becaus3 I’m not ready yet in so numb….

12/21/2015 14 comments

Depression and Disability

by disgusting 12/20/2015

written by disgusting

I get a bit depressed any time I’m away from the other Buddhists. I mean, it’s exhausting for me mentally and physically to chant for 6 hours on Sundays. That was just today. Its normally 2 hours and even then I feel I’m about to pass out. My disabilities get in the way of everything in life. The worst part is when you’re poor, you can’t get anyone to say you’re disabled, because they don’t want you to get any benefits. A middle class or rich person who went through what I went through would have been handed a wheelchair from day 1. I was […]

12/20/2015 10 comments

disordered eating

by jasal 12/18/2015

written by jasal

I don’t have an eating disorder, but I do use starvation as a form of self-harm. The pain and weakness that come with intense hunger are gratifying in a sick, sick way. Hunger is one part punishment, one part distraction. I deserve to suffer this way, and the suffering keeps my mind off of how terrible I feel emotionally.

I haven’t had a full meal in 3 days and have been sleeping through dinner. The best part is that no one in my family cares. I told you. I deserve this. No one in this house would care if I rotted away. I should really just […]

12/18/2015 4 comments

Master of Illusion

by Lacedwithpain 12/16/2015

written by Lacedwithpain

I think of going to the hospital for help. Facing that humiliating moment when you tell them that you’re there not because you want to save your life but because you want to die. I think of the uncomfortable hours I will wait before the very busy nurse comes to talk to me. I know that when she does talk to me, we will be interrupted by several people for several reasons. Paperwork, room needs restocking, garbage needs emptying. Time is up. All of the things that harbor a good honest conversation. Yes these things will bother me, but if I say anything I will […]

12/16/2015 9 comments

Protected: Lotus-Eater

by whiskered-fish 12/15/2015

written by whiskered-fish

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

12/15/2015 22 comments

Step off the edge

by notsureifreadytogo 12/14/2015

written by notsureifreadytogo

About to commit. That point of no return, where you send out the letters and emails. A Skype video message for my wife. Then its 24 hours to complete the deed. Should only take a few. What a sad way to end. To answer so much pain, by causing pain, to avoid pain. Not at all how I saw things going. Such a shame.

12/14/2015 7 comments

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