Tag:

painful

Even in my dreams I’m pretending.

by thehusk 7/9/2015

written by thehusk

I don’t sleep much. But when I do, I dream a lot.

I just woke from a dream in which I met an old friend, after years apart. On the one hand it was pleasant, because it meant being with people again, and life, and enthusiasm. But it was also painful, because the way I related to everyone was just like in real life. I hid my true self. I could feel myself being deceptive about what I really felt, believed, who I really was. Even with caring, sympathetic, intelligent people, predisposed to viewing me positively, I have to pretend.

It’s the same with everyone I meet. […]

7/9/2015 16 comments

Fear

by Black_Heart2001 7/5/2015

written by Black_Heart2001

They once told me that when every human is born, they are afraid of death. That our natural instincts tell us to live. For some reason, I was born different. From as far back as I could remember, I was never afraid of dying. When I was young, if a car was racing towards me, I would calmly step out of the way without ever feeling anything. If I was in the ocean and I couldn’t stay afloat, I would simply think about how my life didn’t matter anyway. But as I grew, that indifference to life and death morphed into something different. It changed […]

7/5/2015 4 comments

Physics, Nihilism, injustice, crack, alcohol, baseball, should we really help people??? Won’t they just have a more exaggerated experience of the human condition?

by favmove 6/29/2015

written by favmove

35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make […]

6/29/2015 5 comments

Things never change

by Parzival 6/28/2015

written by Parzival

I’m depressed. Wouldn’t be here writing this if I wasn’t. I come looking for answers knowing that there really are none. I don’t even know where to start. Things have gotten so messed up. Situations change but in reality we are stuck. We can try to change who we are inside, we can try and mask our pain but in the end it is still there. Honestly I’m just typing this as I go with no plan in mind. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Being different sucks. People don’t seem to understand me and because I’m different people want to protect me. […]

6/28/2015 2 comments

Tainted.

by sickfromthemelt 6/27/2015

written by sickfromthemelt

I just want to be loved, is that selfish?

I saw some kids walking down the street today, I wish I had friends like that, the one group of friends I had at school really just never bothered to get rid of me, only one of them has gone out of their way to talk to me since I graduated, maybe I am a little greedy, wanting more people with me.

My mom and my sister were talking about their friends in school the other day, my mom’s story was particularly painful to hear: all of them were different people, but they were still a tight group, […]

6/27/2015 3 comments

First time poster

by alostyouth 6/25/2015

written by alostyouth

Hi,

so so this is the first time ever posting on a site (any site actually) but I’ve found that venting about thing regardless if people respond or not is beneficial and seeing a therapist once a week is clearly not cutting it anymore.

Okay let’s see now, I am 23 first generation American, middle child, genetic history of major clinical depression with multiple family members taking their own lives.

On the surface, I have a pleasant life. I haven’t had to worry about finances as much as most people have. Ran track in HS and was a state champion. Played collegiate rugby and excelled. However since I was […]

6/25/2015 1 comment

Bring Me

by Mundane 6/22/2015

written by Mundane

Bring me a poison;
I would like to swallow
The choked feeling
In my throat

Bring me a noose;
I am tired of standing up
It will help to keep me upright
Even when I finally stop fighting

Bring me a blade;
I want to bleed out
All the pain and suffering
That resided in my being

Bring me sleeping pills;
To grant my greatest wish,
My greatest desire
To never wake up to another day

Bring me a gun;
Easy and swift,
I will put it against my head
May it blast my painful memories away

Bring me a disease;
May it slowly kill me.
Slowly, like walking in […]

6/22/2015 2 comments

all i cannot say

by silvermoon 6/1/2015

written by silvermoon

all i cannot say i pour out here even tho it feels so painful in a way. i was told to practice self-compassion and i cant. i cant believe anyone cares. the ones who do are the outsiders. everyone else – nope. ive been dealing with really bad depression and isolation. it is hard not to beat yourself up. my heart just had a huge jolt from noise, for me, noise brings up the past. i wonder how much longer i can bare this. my online friend said if i end my life i dont go to a better place and am still “me” and […]

6/1/2015 4 comments

help

by aaabbbc 6/1/2015

written by aaabbbc

I’ve never been on here before but I wanted to know if anyone knows the least painful way to end your life I dont want my family to find me in a bad way

6/1/2015 1 comment

The pain that keeps on aching… When will it stop :'(

by BadYear 5/21/2015

written by BadYear

I just can’t stop this feeling of terror inside of me… I can’t stop crying… The pain won’t stop… I will never had the life I dreamed of, I’ve fallen too far… Now I can’t get out of this spiral down…

I tried to kill myself so many times but it doesn’t work with overdoses… The maximum I got was a coma once… I can’t seem to cut myself… Just cut for pain relief… It hurts all the time now…

The sad thing is no one can help me, not even me, it’s just a slow and painful death… But I never get to die… […]

5/21/2015 19 comments

I cannot live, I cannot die. What now?

by MySelfIsAfterMe 5/21/2015

written by MySelfIsAfterMe

I am tired to explain my problems, but I suffer every second of my life and it’s not gonna end. I know in my heart I won’t be happy again, I personally ruined my family, friendships, love and job. All my fault, odd story but I self-destroyed myself and I can’t blame anyone but me. I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll never get back the things I lost and I can’t live without them. I have to go to end this.

On the other hand I already hurt beyond imagination the people I love, and I can’t afford to add other pain. My death would literally […]

5/21/2015 9 comments

32 and suicidal girl, don’t know how I got here…

by BadYear 5/21/2015

written by BadYear

What can I say… I have been seriously depressed and in a lot of pain (emotionally) for well over a year… I am on anti depressants, but they just don’t help me thinking I have nothing to look forward to… I had the life, a good job, everything was going well for me, but suddenly I snapped… I couldn’t keep my job, became paranoid… And I just feel like crying everyday…

Has anyone recovered from this? My brother did, he was bad for about 2 years and I remember when he was going through it how little I thought about how serious it was and how […]

5/21/2015 20 comments

It’s a matter of time

by stewiedaddy 5/15/2015

written by stewiedaddy

My whole life I’ve known that there is something wrong with me, and ever since I’ve been old enough to be self-aware I’ve done a lot to make myself better. You kind of have to, yeah? In some ways it’s almost effortless. When you suffer intensely you have nothing to do but search for a way out, even if you’re just laying in bed, trying to figure everything out.

It’s this feeling of real loneliness, and an intense fear of being alone. It’s killing me. I’m in my mid-twenties and I feel like I’m at least middle-aged. I’ve fallen in love a few times but it […]

5/15/2015 2 comments

Loneliness.

by Phobia 5/15/2015

written by Phobia

I’m just so tired of being lonely, I feel like Im already dead as I don’t exist at all. People only remember me when they need something. They have my number but yet only call and text me when they want something. Everyone ignores me. I can’t take it anymore, I wish I was dead. I’m tired of this cruel and unfair world..My depression is at the point where I can’t take it anymore. There is no meaning of life to me and nobody cares about me, what’s the point. All I can say is that being lonely for several years is painful and suffering, […]

5/15/2015 5 comments

Trapped Between

by thehusk 5/10/2015

written by thehusk

So I end my life, and it crushes my family (parents & sister). I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I can do that. I love them, despite all the ways I’ve wronged them.

On the other hand, I stick around, and it’s just painful. I don’t think I can ever form any real connection with anyone, or enjoy their company. There’s large parts of me that are just plain evil, that are unacceptable. I can’t let anyone see who I really am. I’m utterly alone, even when I’m not. My day to day existence is meaningless. I hate being around people, because I […]

5/10/2015 1 comment

If you love me, help me die.

by ceaseless_echo 4/29/2015

written by ceaseless_echo

Why is it that for the scariest and most dangerous undertaking of my life, there is no one I can turn to for help? Why do those who supposedly love me want me to continue suffering instead of helping me end my pain? Would they really prefer that I suffer a messy, painful death alone, rather than ensuring that I go out feeling loved and at peace?

I have only to imagine the reverse situation to have the answers to my questions. I know I could not stand by while my loved ones died by their own hand. And yet, this so called love is condemning […]

4/29/2015 11 comments

I have not the acquired capability to suicide. What about you?

by MoonShine 4/29/2015

written by MoonShine

joiner theory of suicide

According to the interpersonal-psychological theory, the desire for death by suicide results from the confluence of two interpersonal states: perceived burdensomeness and thwarted belongingness. While feelings of burdensomeness and low belongingness may instill a desire for suicide, they are not sufficient to ensure that desire will lead to a suicide attempt. Indeed, in order for this to occur, the theory suggests a third element must be present: the acquired ability for lethal self-injury.

4/29/2015 8 comments

Confused

by Adra 4/26/2015

written by Adra

I’ve been suffering from the disease of depression for a while- my brother had it, my mom had it, and now I have it. More than once have I contemplated my suicide- I’m worthless, unattractive, stupid, mean, unloved, and pathetic. However, I have tried and tried and tried to look for ways to do it and I always come up without an answer. Clearly for me, the best way to go is consumption of pills- there are plenty of those in my house. However, I have heard of liver failures and such, and I’m so afraid that dying will be painful. I don’t want to […]

4/26/2015 2 comments

My dark home

by AvengedSouls 4/24/2015

written by AvengedSouls

I may be just a kid who is just now getting to know what life is to most people & hasn’t even gotten to my teen hood but Im already dead . Its just my body walking with what is left . I hate everyone i hate showing myself . I feel like im just alone in a dark world cornered but its okay ive been here awhile ive made it home . I’ve been here 7 years I saw how life & the world really was but Im stuck here nothing is gonna make me budge from this corner of mine its where my […]

4/24/2015 1 comment

physical hurt

by emmygirl 4/10/2015

written by emmygirl

Is it possible for this sadness to break my body, every breath i take hurts like theirs something broken in my chest that spreads down to my arms and leg. This neverending tiredness that makes every step painful like the next movement is the one that will make my body crumble.

4/10/2015 2 comments

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