Is it a good part? Should it be listened to? It’s very unrealistic and naive but it’s hopeful. Last I checked hope was a good thing.
The other part is a realist and knows that history is a good predictor of the past. Being on a downward spiral points further down.
in short, I’m suicidal with a fantasy of breaking free and becoming something great
I’ve come to a conclusion about a lifelong question. Where is all this hardship coming from. I wondered why there is always difficulty, frustration and then the inevitable pain in so many aspects of life. I first thought that world was just bull shit and it was or duty to find and fix all the issues. But recently I have found out that I’m the one with the issues.
Discovering this I wanted to change and be like others, to be normal. I realized that me being against the world was the whole chicken and egg thing. I’m not stuck in this mess because I’m against […]
I’m going through some of my old things from childhood, as part of a clearout, and I’m finding it hard to get rid of them. They’re my link to a time when I wasn’t like this. When I felt really alive, as opposed to just living.
I’m not sure what exactly it is. I suppose they remind me of when I was last happy. When the world seemed both fascinating and simple, rather than threatening and complex. Every tiny thing felt meaningful, as opposed to now, when everything I do is kind of empty. My life felt worthwhile. The world was a good place to be, […]
Dear friends,
This is the last one. I was held up until today, getting my will finalised. I do so appreciate it if any of you feel moved to pray for the repose of my soul. This is a great group of people, I wish I could have been more a part of it. Please continue to support and love one another. Be kind to yourselves and others. Keep the faith, in whatever way you see fit. Blessings to you all, Amy
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
You would think it doesn’t hurt anymore. When people come in my life, gain my trust and friendship, then rip away a piece of me as they walk away like I never meant anything to them. But the truth is, it hurts so much more each time it happens. It hurts so bad that I feel numb until another part of me disappears. It hurts so bad because of the feeling that I only ever made friends from pity and I cared about them more than myself. It hurts so bad that it puts me almost to tears, but then a dark part of me […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.
I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to […]
I’ve reached the very end upon which I will endure this existence. Preparations all set…… Going to end it with a drink. I’m done with this shitty world, i’m done dealing with parasitic, materialistic, deceptive people. I’m done dealing with “family” that lies, steals, and treats me like shit. Love does not exist in this ugly, putrid, infected world of racists, murderers, politicians, corruption, prostitutes, and abominations.
I rather be dead then live with the likes of you…. You who see the light in this world are the real freaks, psychopaths, and ones who need help. “chill out, think about the positive” that’s a pitiful […]
Dear soon to be Ex
… or perhaps you’re already an ex, perhaps it ended a long time ago but I’m too oblivious to see it. but congratulations you acted like an ex now I’ll make you one.
Why?…
Because I’m DONE, I’m done accepting any of the scrap of attention you deem worthy to throw my way. I’m done hope you’ll text me first just so I know you were thinking about me. I accept I’m the one who screwed up by changing the rules by falling in love with you, but you should have realised I could never not love with the very essence of me.
But […]
so tired I really don’t want to get up one part of me wants to give up the other part wants to push on I feel it’s goin to be one of them days I want it to end before its begins hopefully things change I hope the day runs smooth why is life so complicated sigh
Okay, so i’ve been suicidal for a while now, always trying to overdose and shit like that. but up until now its never been all of me that wants to die, I remember my therapist would ask me how much (out of a percentage) wants me to live and it’d always end up being 50% or lower, as i’d always regret my decisions the next day, but recently i’ve not been regretting and ive come to realise that no part of me wants to live.
I just want to know what happened, what happened to the leftover spark within me which has finally gone out.
I made some lovely sausage rolls and chips and I am about to settle down and FINALLY watch the first part of Mockingjay! I’ve been waiting to do this forever it seem now, blimey.
And I’ve got some lovely chocolate biscuits to indulge in after my lovely sausage rolls.
Yes, I know that it is very late over here but I don’t work tomorrow, so a bit of naughty is totally fine.
Life is far too cruel and absurd to be lived.
I don’t know what fucked me up first – whether it was life or me. If I knew it was my own fault I don’t know if I would feel worse. But either way, what’s done is done. I’m damaged goods now.
I know that I had great potential – once. I know that I could have achieved some amazing things – once. If only I could turn back the hands of time – try a do-over, but this time with zero mistakes. This time, taking advantage of that limitless potential. This time, with the knowledge of […]
So I stoped talking to my parents if I can avoid it. I am going through that idea of geting my emotional independence, so if one day I do decide to put an end to this whole thing then they will be used to not having me around.
I am in a period of time when I am all alone again. My friends left the country (mine is one of those countries you always want to leave) and they are organizing their own lives. Good for them.
I was thinking that maybe this is how life is supposed to be : you grow up and learn you […]
I think I can do it, actually I know I can. I can accept my guilt, I don’t need to throw away my morals. It will hurt my family but that’s okay, they’ll know I’ll finally be at peace. I can end this, I will finish this. No more will I be a part of this circus. My dream will come true and I will finally get some sleep. I have hope that I can be free once and for all.
Do you ever feel like there is nothing left for you to do,
That everything inside of you has been let go of and you can’t fix yourself anymore than you have tried?
Believing in yourself had an expiration date for me; the day I was born.
Or maybe it was the day I realized I could never be a kid in my family. That I would always have to be some part-adult to take care of the adults around me. And with all of this responsibility I lost myself along the way, I was eliminated and there was no telling to what I had […]
I answered;
the scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
o the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain of emptiness
the scariest part
is the realization
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking as you lay awake at 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can’t even cry
because you don’t even care
Now that I have your attention,
You are probably thinking that this post will be about how to actually kill yourself. Well it is and it isn’t.
I had one of those god knows how to spell the bloody word apifiny, nope doesn’t look right. Anyway one of those light bulb moments.
Flash of genius, whatever you wanna call it.
I realised the only true, successful, way to kill yourself without really physically killing yourself is to just get in there and slaughter the hell out of your thoughts, feelings, actions, demons, and the list goes on.
Throw a bomb in there and explode them all in to a million pieces.
Steralize […]
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