We’re just one of millions of various organisms, albeit at the more intelligent end of the scale. We’re here for the briefest time in the overall scheme of things. Are we just here to reproduce and leave more humans behind, so they can then go on and reproduce, and so it repeats itself for eternity? For what purpose? We live with violence, wars, murders, and natural disasters, floods, earthquakes, etc that wipe of thousands of our species and other species. I’ve analysed and wondered about these things all my life. I don’t remember anything before I was born – just a total void – and […]
Tag:
remember
I finished school, got my degree, married my long time partner, moved 1000 miles away and got a salaried job.
None of this means anything to me. I can’t enjoy any of my accomplishments. I’m not happy with my marriage and this job is only busy work. I can’t remember a time that I felt truly satisfied with life. I drink my weight in alcohol, smoke packs of cigarettes, buy worthless crap off the internet…I feel like there’s nothing I can do, like there’s no such thing as content. I am wasting my time.
We fight often, my husband and I. I feel a heavy sinking feeling […]
People always like to think they know how I feel, or how people like me feel, when they’re all just so far from the truth. All these feelings of worthlessness self hate, and loneliness have taken they’re toll, and reduced me to a shadow of whatever it is I was – I don’t even remember what happiness felt like, it’s just numbness where it should be.
Why do parents have to be so stuck in their ways? I promised myself I’d never make the same mistakes if I ever have kids. Never ever lay a hand on them, let alone a fist. If there’s one thing […]
Another day, and I slowly make my way out of the sleep paralysis that seems to come more often now. Then one by one I drag a foot off my bed and plant it on the floor, feeling surprised that I am still alive, but of course not surprised that I still feel so dead… I look over my shoulder towards the spot in which I had laid and observe the blood stains upon my sheets from last nights battle. Another trigger had been pulled and I was wounded, the cuts are getting a little deeper now, it’s also requiring more to simply balance out […]
the pasts haunts me, even more than my future haunts me. it hurts to remember how happy hopeful, and loved i felt. before i felt different and faced my depression. the bipolar. my failures my health problems. the judgement of others. it hurts, to know my future. i dont know. im trying to live. but if i cant do this last job, im so outta here. i would be better as a memory than what ive become. i am so upset i dont have an appetite. i wont put a new post here or awhile, unless i get fired from this job. then its one […]
I am very ashamed of myself. No, my life isn’t filled with constant despair, and I haven’t lost anyone important to me. Nothing that bad actually happened to me. Still, I really want to disappear.
My friends are much more distant than they were before, and I can’t actually mantain a stable relationship between me and my parents. I feel like there’s a hole where it should be my heart, and the only thing that makes me feel better is reading. If I talk to anyone, they’ll probably tell me to stop complaining, and that my life is much better than I think.
I feel like I’m […]
6 frends dead and gone ash and rot and blood jumping swinging bleeding out my hands coverd in blood dieing loseing razor cut were i cant scrach the itch i had there names in my skin and now there gone in the wind like there last breth the world forgot them quickly i never will but there names are lost forever the faces are in the front of my mind i love them all i love them all
I think that I am feeling better. Or am I? I am so used to telling psychologists about my life, but I haven’t really listened to my own words. Could this actually be my reality? Seems like a weird and sad movie, really. I’m going to try to keep this short. EDIT: Turned out to be longer than expected…
I’ve had OCD for like forever, which probably is harder than I realize. I lost my best friend when I was 8 years old when a tsunami hit Thailand, my father has been drinking way too much for as long as I can remember, my mother has […]
The thing I really don’t understand is why certain people on this planet have the indecency to bring other people down. Whether it be there music choice or fashion sense or whatever you can judge on. Believe me when I say i’ve been bullied but i’m not to sad or upset by it because those people that bullied me made me hold my head up a little higher. You will not kick me down because while your over there talking about me and getting these nasty ugly rumors out of your mouth just know that i’m not worried about a damn thing you have to […]
Crying each morning,
Crying all day.
Releasing the sorrow,
Releasing the pain.
Fight to wake up,
Fight to get out of bed.
Fighting the demons.
Inside my head.
Where do they come from,
Why are they there.
Maybe things would be different,
If someone would care.
Most look away.
It’s easier for them.
But I have a solution.
They will see then.
Maybe feel guilt,
Maybe feel shame.
Maybe feel something,
If they remember my name.
So I haven’t slept anything tonight either. It seems it has become somewhat an habit of mine, not sleeping that is. My brain’s a gooey mess, and I find myself at the edge of sanity yet again.
I don’t know what’s worse, living in this blurry world of mine in a zombie like state, wasting time, almost not existing… Feeling this emptyness… It’s funny… No Mather how shit everything feels, if you take away one of the human essentials it actually gets worse. I just miss seeing things clearly, ya know? Sleeplessness is fogging up my fucked up mind and I feel so powerless.
but as I […]
I posted not more then a day ago and didn’t really feel like I explained myself properly. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for years now. I have the tendency to care more for other then I do myself. I remember things I shouldn’t remember.
It hurts sometimes because I feel like the choices I made in my past drive me to wanting to commit suicide. I’ve cut my wrist multiple times and sometimes I can’t even cut deep enough because I get scared. I have no job, no real friends, and I barely speak to my family. I live with my […]
I want to fly off the side of one of these beautiful mountains cause Neverland lies at the bottom and for a brief moment I’ll remember what it feels like to be free.
Life’s just one great big illusion.
People telling you how to live your life, how to look, how to act, how to feel.
But screw all that.
We’re all the same.
Even if you’re always getting the short end of the stick and the asshole next to you’s rich.
Just remember that it’s all some big illusion, you’re the one who’s the better person.
Music qoute of the day: “America spells competition, join us in our blind ambition, get yourself a brand new motor car. Someday soon we’ll stop to ponder what on earth’s this spell were under, we made the grade and still we wonder who the hell we are.” – […]
As I read the stories about all the horrible things some of you have experienced, it makes me think about why those things have happened. It is NOT because you are ugly. It is NOT because you arent worth it. It is NOT because you aren’t kind, or smart, etc. There are people out there who are just bad people. They see your sadness as a vulnerability and take advantage of that to poison you with hatred. Do not let them win, do not let them turn your sadness into bitterness. Love always stands strongest in the end. This will be the last time that […]
I don’t know why I have to have depression. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to sit up every night crying about not being loved and cared for by people that truly mean so much to me. To be up all night wishing I was better. Nicer. Prettier. Skinnier. Smarter. Funnier. I don’t think it’s fair for me to want to die. I’m not perfect. I’ve messed up more times then I could ever remember. But was really so bad that now I have to live like this for the rest of my life? I’ve been trying everything to become happy. I want […]
I have really mixed emotions about coming back to sp.
I battled with depression, suicide, cutting and general shit in my life and I have come close to death many times. I believed that life was never going to get better, that I was going to die a lonely virgin loser and bring shame and hurt to my family. I have stood atop the highest building in my college and peered over the edge and stood there for many painful hours. I have cut deep, and popped pills. I was badly beaten as a child periodically and mentally tortured. I came here and wrote angry posts […]
Two days ago, I was in the worst spot of my life. I tried to kill myself. Today, I’m in a hospital and being called a hero, strong, and inspiring. I don’t deserve it and I don’t know why. But I guess it feels nice to be loved for once.
Well, I saw a psychiatrist today. It was pretty much useless. I went in for an hour and a half, and in the end he diagnosed me with depression. Thanks, totally didn’t know that already. Glad it’s costing a couple hundred dollars to see someone who’s telling me shit I already know.
The depression’s starting to come […]
Only 17 years old and I have so much to say and I would never be able to remember it all to write it down at once. I don’t understand the purpose of our species, we are reckless and materialistic. The closest people to me don’t even know that I think of suicide nearly every night, I go to work and wonder if the people I work with can even sense that I hate life. I’ve been thinking about it for years, and i remember being younger and trying to hold my breath until I died underwater but obviously that doesn’t work. I’ve pondered the […]
I’ll stop trying to get close to anyone. I’ll stop trying to fit in. I’ll stop trying to find someone to stay by my side.
I can’t forget you. I keep hearing you whispering in my ears. Whenever I close my eyes, I still see you. I can’t accept anyone because I still remember you. What is the point of me trying to find someone else to stay with me, when I myself keep rejecting them? Why would I hope to find someone, if I know in the end I will leave them because they are not you? Why the hell would I pretend […]