I am the scum of the earth. I hear it every day from my ex. I valued her opinion more than anything and she is always right. Today she is going on a date with a man. Something I could never be for her because I wasn’t born that way. Even though I don’t want to be male, I would have become one of those manly lesbians, for her. But it wasn’t enough. I NEED to kill myself TODAY. I can not handle the pain of her going out with someone else. It hurts so fucking bad I can’t take it. This isn’t all. The […]
Tag:
Rest Of My Life
“……….”
I knew I had to come here and post SOMETHING…ANYTHING. But what do i say? That..I’m going to face the facts that I will be alone for the rest of my life. That I’m not worth as much as i thought I was…not even as pretty as I thought. That my razor is the only thing I have to love that is truly mine. My razor is the ONLY thing that loves me and my skin. Maybe…I give up and give in. Maybe I let my razor kiss my wrists tonight and bleed the meaning of the words i cant find…because SOMETHING ends tonight.
i’ve done it. i’ve made the decision to end my life. though tears are running down my face, i couldn’t be happier. i feel so peaceful, genuinely happy. a feeling i’ve never felt inmy life before. i’m not giving up, i’m just giving in. for years i’ve felt like an empty shell, being carried by the river out to sea to be drowned and i don’t mind. i don’t really want to die, i suppose, i just want to rest my head. i’m okay with it, i accept this situation. may my body be the last i see and my heartbeat the last that i […]
There have been several good episodes in my life, but as I look back I realize that the good ones would last just for a little while and the worst ones go on for years or will be there for the rest of my life.
A little more than 8 years ago I had a terrible car crash – I should be grateful about having survived with almost no injuries, but sometimes I wish I had died instantly instead because even prior to that I was a lonely freak and later on everything just got worse and worse.
So then I went to university and slipped deeper […]
Escaping from this hell hole was the first good thing I’ve done on my own. Going off to college and not having to deal with all this family drama and emotional drain was so good for me. I was finally happy. I was finally care free. I didn’t have to fake being happy anymore. I was happy with who I was, where I came from, and how I was living. I finally got to be free from her stupid rules and her stupid views on life. I was finally free. And I thought that I could go live the rest of my life with barely […]
I started drinking and smoking pot around age 12. before I went into puberty, Now i am 23 and my bones have not developed. My wrists and hands are smaller than most childrens. I also have gynocomastia (development of breasts due to hormonal imbalances). It seems my hormones are fucked. I have no sex drive and no ambition. Ive been rejected by many females for my feminine qualities. My father killed himself when i was 17, and all my life since then Ive just wanted to be a man and take care of myself and my family…now im developing into a fucking woman! I had […]
i dont think i cant do this anymore,i have to phisically confide my self inside my apartment or i will run, i will leave, and the cops will catch me, the only way people wont be able to control me anymore is if i kill myself,they will never let me off commitment,i will never get to move to california,i cant live like this for the rest of my life,all i think about is california, or getting recommited then taking sleeping pills and laying on the rail road tracks,and no the train driver would never know he hit me cause it would be dark outside,im going […]
My hangover from the last time I did mushrooms is going away. It has lasted for over 6 weeks. IÂ honestly couldn’t tell if I was ever going to feel stronger and regain energy or not. My energy’s been fluctuating…I hope I don’t crash and end up exhausted and hungry again. I honestly can’t tell if I feel exhausted, drowsy, hungry, and miserable all the time from my hangover that will go away in days, if not weeks, or I’m just going to be like this for the rest of my life.
I found this site awhile back on one of my endless google searches for “suicide” and the like, and I’ve been putting off joining and posting until I had a more concrete idea of how the rest of my life was going to play out.
Now I know that it isn’t going to play out for very much longer. I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I would kill myself eventually, I’ve never been really, truly happy and have never had the help or the will to get better, so it really was just a matter of how long it would take my […]
I recognise that I’m in a much better place than I was when I was first diagnosed with depression, but even four years on and I’m still incessantly fucking up and that’s the only thing that people actually see. I just wish that I would start learning from my mistakes and that people would stop judging me based on my past. I’m still holding myself back and its irritating. No doctor can save me from this, from myself. It will always be something that I carry with me, I just hope that it won’t weigh on me so much for the rest of my life.
Right now I feel like I should just get rid of myself, not only for my sake, but for everyone else’s. My parents are pressuring me into studying law, and I hate it. I’ve had to move from my home city to study it, and there is so much pressure on me to pass everything that I feel like my mind is going to explode. I’ve tried talking to my parents about how much I don’t want to be in this city and about how much I hate law, but they just keep telling me that I’m “wasting the opportunities in front of me”, and […]
..so my lovevlife is over ? ? i got the human p. virus.. i have no idea from who. though im pertty sure it was from my ex bf.. and now b/c of it i had to get surgery and now i need to get it again.. its been almost a year since i had the surgery and it sucks. i wont be able to be in a relationship or start seeing someone if I dont get rid of this again… and its gonna be the same routine for the rest of my life… so wtf.. i hate this.. and life. its like im not […]
I work for the federal government, and I am able to do my job just fine. I function at work. I am completely dysfunctional in the rest of my life, but I can do my job.
So this week I had to fill out a “credentialing renewal form” or something like that. One of the questions was if I had been hospitalized in the past 5 years and why. Why the hell does it matter that I was hospitalized for being suicidal? And how is that going to make me a threat to national security? As long […]
I was reading on here a couple of weeks ago, and I saw something that someone said and it really stuck with me. They said “I’m not a person who wants to be alive. Im just a person who’s too afraid to die.” That pretty much sums me up. I don’t get a kick out of living. I don’t go to bed at night thinking of all the wonderful things I get to do tomorrow and aren’t I just so darn lucky that I get to just be alive?! No. I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. But I always do. I would […]
Does anyone have any advice on how to get the inner strength to wear a t-shirt in public and let my self-harming scars show? They are all over my arm, on the inside and out. All up and down. They stick out so much. It’s obvious they are from cutting. I’m able to wear shorts and I have cuts on my leg but not as bad as my arm. I just don’t want to wear long sleeves when it’s 90 degrees outside anymore. But I don’t want people to stare. I know it’ll happen though. I just want to be normal…but I am not. And […]
Lately I’ve been through a lot of stuff, well it’s my senior year and I really need to think about what I am going to do with the rest of my life, the thing is my mom is putting a lot of pressure on me so I study what she thinks is better, you see my mom is a mess, I love her I wish I wouldn´t honestly maybe that way I would not care about what she does or says, she hurts me she was upset and she told me I was her mistake that she did not wanted to make the same mistakes […]
Today I left my house For the first time after such a long time. I went to the dentist to get my braces removed, the last time I went was a year ago. I was on anti depression medication and life seemed fine, I was fun to be around at the time. since then I fell of the face of the earth and well most of you know how that feels like.. Well anyway I went to the dentist, my eyes burned from the brightness of the daylight. By the time I got there my eyes looked a mess. I went in to see the […]
I’m thinking of doing it tomorrow night. 1/21/12 is when I die. I wanted to do it on my birthday. That was three months ago. Should have then. Should’ve done it along time ago. I know some people work through worse pain then I have experienced. I feel hopeless. I used to feel sorry for myself. Realized that gets you nowhere. Thinking about just walking in front of a semi. If I jump just at the right moment I should die. I know that it’s selfish to do. Especially in that way. Can’t really find another way to do it. No car. Can’t find good […]
Ok..my day was going good, until I walked into a restaurant and saw my ex husbands family. It shouldn’t bother me, knowing they were not the ones hurting me..but of course it still ruined my day. I know in my heart that ive loved all I can..tried the best I can so why can I not get over the feeling of betrayel and sadness. Ive worked all my life..never went on vacation unless I paid for it myself. Took my ex a few places..even out of the country but he never wanted to take his family anywhere..including mcdonalds. His girlfriend and him would keep me […]
A couple of years ago I was a completely normal person. I was happier and my life seemed normal. I laughed a lot and I loved my family. I concentrated on them, because they were my life. Years passed, and things have gotten progressively worse. I’ve always had depression looming over me, but never this dark. I’ve always had anxiety, but never this painful. I’ve always been afraid of the outside world, but never this bad. Now, I am looking up ways to kill myself. And I have no where to turn.
I am a 21 year old with nothing going for her. If you knew […]