so I kind of ruined my family a bit and I can’t seem to stop… I don’t want to hurt anyone but I told my mom that I wanted her to apologize sincerely for not being there to support me whenever I went through disciplinary trouble, and that I can’t move on until she does. Long story. Anyway, since the incident happened yesterday it feels like time doesn’t exist. There’s no future, barely any past, but everything is the present. I cut myself 20 times yesterday and I’ve been steadily taking painkillers since 3. I don’t even take pills. I don’t think I’m going to end […]
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ruined
I’m failing highschool. I know that doesn’t seem like a huge deal but I’m supposed to be ‘the smart one’ in my family. I hate to say it, but most of my family are the typical ignorant, closed-minded people who just follow the crowd instead of researching a topic to make an informed decision. I will be the first person in generations to have completed high school. The pressure is immense. Everyday it’s in the back of my mind. “I wonder how many sleeping pills i have to take? Would gulping an entire bottle of vodka in one go do the trick?” All I hear […]
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if […]
It’s been a while. Things were going alright. Had a lot saved up. Then everything went to shit all at once. So as people who have read my posts in the past know, my life was almost… good. After years and years of torment, struggling and finding inner strength I didn’t know I had.
Story time. My ex (not my ex fiance), who will remain unnamed, ran into me at college along with her husband and her kid. They were excited to see me as we had remained good friends, and hadn’t seen each other in quite a few years. I was invited to their apartment […]
Idk if this is the way I have always been or that this is the way I have become. I have so little to offer the world, so little skill or ability which in many ways makes me a worthless loser.
that wouldn’t be bad if I wasn’t such a monster inside. As the feeling of helplessness build coupled with lack of connection, and on top of that people acting towards me like I’m some sort of a freak, it created/encouraged the monster within.
It was the copping mechanism which has further ruined my life. As the problems were put off to a later age, the monster […]
I just found this website and saw that many people write on here and I decided to do the same. Unlike most of you guys here, I’m a freshman, in high school. When I was small I was born with a defect to my eyes and I realized that this little boy in second grade? was an asshole to me. I also realized that one of my teacher I thought was one of my best teachers also treated me unfairly. In fifth grade, my classmates would always call me ugly and some talked about my eyes. They didn’t really bully me but yea. In seventh […]
In my final breaths:
I’ll exhale my sins,
and the promises I broke.
I won’t inhale them back in.
I’m sorry
I used to call you papa,
and you’d guide me to school
so that I could read on the way.
You taught me to swim
by throwing me into the deep end
and I kicked and fought until I could.
You taught me to live
by throwing me into the deep end
but this time, I let myself drown.
I’m sorry,
that you see her in my eyes
that you hear her when I cry,
and for shoving you that one time,
but you told […]
Where? Where was God when the bastard my brothers call ‘dad’ was hurting me? Where was he when my brother’s hand was getting burned? When Mom was beating the shit out of me? When they took me from my brothers? When my best friend and Dad were dying? I don’t fucking know. I wish i did but I don’t. I wish I believed in him everyday. I wish Mom loved me. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts in my head. I wish so many things I can’t have. But most importantly… I wish i was dead, that i never existed. That Mom would have had […]
I was first diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago. Life has been up and down since then. I’ve had some fun, but I’ve often felt isolated and alone. I’ve had social anxiety that has made making friends difficult. After college I married the first the first person who showed an interest, which was a bad idea. She turned out to be abusive and had her own mental health issues. Eventually she moved out and we divorced.
After that relationship, I eventually met someone else who is kind, but unable to hold down a job. My life has been going down hill since the relationship began […]
So I wrote to him, asked him to come and now I am waiting.
I am ruined now. he is coming. I am so weak, but I want him.
Life was starting to be fine for me after a while. Then I meet you and feel in love. Life was really looking up.
Then we started having problems. Found out you were a paid escort. Slept with thousands of guys. Found out you had been in the mental ward. Had autism along with some other fine side effects such as depression, bi polar and other things.
I tried to work past all of that even knowing you had been married 5 times before. Sorry to say I did not leave and stay gone when I should have.
No I […]
My car destroyed, glasses and phone broken, and me bleeding all over the fucking pavement mistaking a concussion and shock for dying.
It was such a relief. Except then I didn’t die. Not even close. And everyone tells me it’s a miracle and all that matters is I’m here. What can you say to that? “I feel so lucky and grateful for your care. You mean everything to me. And yet, somehow despite all of that I continue to actively seek and desire death, even knowing how much it will hurt you.”
I haven’t tried to kill myself in eight years because the last time ruined everything and […]
You people ruined me… and I let myself be ruined….
I wasn’t going to post anything today. I had a rather nice day. Something that rarely happens. Then it got fucked.
They keep poking. Time to give them what they want.
I am going to kill someone, I swear.
Tonight is the night I die.
I hate myself.
I think I’m falling in love with a very close friend, who doesn’t love me back, naturally. But she doesn’t know it.
At the same time, I’ve been sort of in love with my best friend, who, of course, doesn’t love me back in that way. But she doesn’t know it either. She is in love with a guy who also is in love with her. But he’s an idiot.
Still, he knows… I’ve never talked to him ever, but somehow he knew instantly that I’m in love with the 2 other girls I mentioned. I don’t know how. He just knew it […]
You could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt,
If I could start again, a million miles away,
I would keep myself, I would find a way.
The only way to love me is to never, ever know me.
If I only knew what to say, someone would actually listen.
If I only cared enough to try, someone would be here with me.
If I only fought harder, maybe I wouldn’t be this.
But everyone gives up eventually, and I guess I gave up a long time ago.
It’s too late for me now.
It’s time to become someone else.
And when I’ve […]
Still feeling sick. Sick like slow, tired, dizzy, nauseous… This awful headache. No appetite. Intense amounts of sleep. Going through benzo withdrawal as an unintended side effect of overdosing and the hospital prescribed hydroxyzine to help with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. The hydroxyzine makes me tired and blank cognitively but I kind of like it because it’s better than being alone with my thoughts.
I haven’t told my family anything. We are the type of family where this sort of thing is swept under the rug and considered a weakness. I had my friend check me out of the hospital which I know was […]
You tend to forget how sadness and depression can have various different aspects to it. Just different types. Here I go, for another round, and I know that I’m not ready for this and honestly, I know there is never a good time, but this has got to be the worst time. This old life was actually starting to get a bit of flare and things were all good for once, despite the massive fuck ups. Its been such a shit year and for a few months things were appearing to be very pleasant. Just going through day by day, not having to worry, just being […]
I’m a 23 year old guy. Finished My Uni degree last year. The last year of uni was rough to say the least. Went through a lot of cutting and now my left arm is a ruined mess, scars so big and ugly that there is no hope in hell of ever wearing short sleeves again.
I felt so defeated by the time I completed my degree that I didn’t go to my graduation ceremony and I only picked up my certificate 5 months later. I haven’t gotten any jobs since then, been unemployed for a whole year. My family ridicules and demeans me at every […]
I absorb negative emotions so quickly and frequently. I don’t even have any reason to be upset at life. I’m just physically drained all the time.
I remember back in high school and earlier, I was always bright and full of life etc, but HS just ruined me. That’s not to say I had a rough time through it, I’m an average dude, had friends and did okay on subjects. But I was always invested in the idea of having a partner. Having someone to love and care for. And that want has slowly been stripped back piece by piece and I just don’t even try […]
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