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Tag:
stop
Because self inflicted pain and suicide attempts are addictive
written by Counting The Days Until I'm gone
Sometimes I scare myself. At first I don’t realize what I’m doing. I tend to change reactions and emotions quickly. I’m bipolar. When I’m alone and calm , I can control myself, until I experience episodes of anger and sadness. These episodes result in me cutting myself or swallowing 30+ pills, or just guzzling down vodka.
I’m having more frequent thoughts of harming myself lately. Its like I’m an addict who is in remission but is being tempted. My friends have tried with me repeatedly to get me to stop self harming but I just can’t
People just don’t understand that suicidal thoughts and self harm are […]
I think I found an edible version of gauze… It’s a special Valentine’s version of that marshmallow and caramel candy. The marshmallow is really tough and the caramel is extremely sticky… Also, it doesn’t dissolve in the mouth. One piece alone is about the size of a child’s fist, give or take some width. Ironically, I don’t think trying to choke on candy could be considered suicide… That still won’t stop me from seeing how many I can fit in my mouth at one time.
A couple of months ago, my friend gave me a leftover patch of fentanyl for free. He did warn me about how easy it was to overdose, and told me to only take a small square (about 2cm by 2cm) due to the strength. I could say I was unprepared, but I looked it up on erowid and knew somewhat what I was getting into. I knew it was strong and instead of scaring me to it, it drew me closer. I was extremely depressed at the time, and instead of waiting for when I was in the right headspace, I took it to escape.
In […]
I’m so full of poison. I hate everybody. Everything. Myself. Fuck reality for being like this. Fuck me for feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I want to sleep, and wake up in a world that isn’t this one, where I am not this person. Or failing that, I want to burn the whole thing down.
the court is giving me 60 days in which to get clean and fix my mental problems or i’m not allowed time with my kid. i get drug tested tomorrow and saturday.
tomorrow is fucked. if i stop tonight/this morning – i wonder if the coke and alcohol will show up saturday?
fuck being alone. I’m sick of it.
Everyone that matters to me leaves before they’re suppose too and it’s not fair.
stop giving up on me
The thought of my mom finding out about my depression scares me. Why? Why does it scare me so much? I’m not sure.
This post is similar to my last one but I have to let it out anyway. I woke at around 4 PM today. My friends had planned to come pick me up at around 12PM so we would go spend time together before we all return to college. So when my alarm woke me up at 10 AM today, I texted them saying that I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed. That was true, I felt so tired.
It’s ironic how […]
If I had left my ex alone and hadn’t tried to forced her to give me an explanation of why she left me, forcing her to see me, then she might still live in the same state. Might go to the same school. She had said she was going to contact me in two months because she missed me so much. We might’ve been friends.
If I hadn’t had wanted to be back with her so desperately, if I hadn’t acted so desperate by fleeing my parent’s house and going back to our old apartment after saying suicidal implications, I’d still have my dog back. All I […]
Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.
How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.
I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. […]
I tried to sleep. But I couldn’t.
My thoughts are continuously racing in my mind. I can’t even sleep properly. I was extremely sad even in my sleep, even in my dreams.
So I wake up. And a thought came in my mind and I decided to share it. It was peaceful.
I know I can’t stop my suffering. I know this. I know there is no cure for me. But this is true that nothing is everlasting. Nothing.
Millions years ago dinasouras were here and now there are not. Billion years ago even earth wasn’t exist.
So here is the thing I want to tell you. I don’t know when, […]
Everything hurts. The woman I love, who I want to spend my future with, doesn’t want to love me anymore.
The thought makes me feel like I’m dying. I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop thinking about her, about how she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
She’s my best friend. This feels so impossible. And I don’t know how to stop crying.
This page is a graveyard. This page is where we come to die. We stop by for a fleeting moment, trying to write something of meaning, to express the void that encompasses our lives. Soon enough though, we get bored of this site to, and we move on.
“Could it be possible! This old saint in his woods has not yet heard the news that God is dead!” – Nietzsche
I’ve been feeling like shit lately, turns out holidays and depression isn’t a good combination.Today was shittier than most, just one of those days you know? My parents know about my depression so they got me antidepressant and a roster of other goodies to turn those frowns around. Did you know if you take a lot all at once you feel shittier because they aren’t working and they just sort of numb you but it’s more depressing because you have to realize the only way to handle pain is popping useless pills. So then you grab a razor or a gun and you hold it […]
Do you ever just lay there and listen to the way your house breathes? Do you ever just lay there and watch as the shadows on your wall slowly change and grow as the time passes and the suns position changes? I can feel my depression breathing deep in my gut, spreading its shadow into my heart. It ways heavily and I fear there is not much I can do to stop it anymore. Slowing it seems to be my only option, but its triumph is inevitable. I hate feeling this way. I wish there was an option to surgically remove this depression and anxiety. […]
So, I’m meeting my new counselor today after the old one left. Heh, the current record is 2 out of 3 psychs left now. I wonder if this one will have any luck at getting me to stop lying.
Operator: 111 Emergency, what service do you require?
Me: *pants* Police… I need to report a robbery.
Operator: One moment, I’ll put you through to police area comms.
[Phone clicks, dialtones are heard, a person answers.]
Comms: Police, how can I assist you?
Me: …I’ve been robbed. A robbery.
Comms: Okay sir, are you in any immediate danger?
Me: No, I… I think she’s gone.
Comms: Okay, are you having any trouble maintaining this conversation or any coherence whatsoever?
Me: I have my faculties about me. I’ve been robbed — not lobotomised.
Comms: Of course, sir. Can you please describe the person who robbed you and […]
Life, pls stop. I really don’t need this. I’M SORRY FOR TRYING TO BE HAPPY JUST FUCKING STOP