Make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel something other than this dread right now before I start to tear myself apart from the inside out. I’m begging please on my knees. I’m not in a safe place with my head. That part of me is starting to cover me like a cloak. Soon there will be nothing left again. I’m not ok. I keep on spiraling. All these memories of happiness flooded my brain and all at once turned depressive and negative. I’m eating myself alive.
I haven’t really believed in anything for a number of years now. I’ve heard people say that faith is the antidote to fear. One or two friends have suggested that maybe if I had some spirituality in my life, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless and afraid of life all the time. But faith has been kind of anathema to me. Belief in something just seems to set me up for bitter disappointment when I realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I certainly don’t believe in myself, at least not when I’m in society. Some people can believe in the goodness of humanity, which I don’t […]
To all my mates at Suicide Project,do not let the world bring you down.Goodluck and Godspeed to you all.
“You have so much to live for.”
I don’t know how may more times I can listen to that. Anytime I talk to any friends or family it’s the same thing. They start by telling me how I am going through a rough patch and that it will all get better. They don’t offer any real advice. They half ass their responses and tell me how my future is going to be just fantastic. I am getting frustrated even thinking of it now. A severe case of anxiety and depression is no “rough patch”. I have been dealing with these issues since before I can remember. […]
I’ve been looking for a place that I can get this off my chest for YEARS. I truly think I have the strongest self hatred anyone has ever had. From the time I first started school as a child all the way to when I graduated I was fucked with A LOT for the way I looked. I used to be obese but I lost almost 100Ib two years ago. I was an easy target for bullies, and girls would just laugh in my face and tell me how fucking ugly I was on a daily basis. My life at home wasn’t any better. I […]
I’m going through some of my old things from childhood, as part of a clearout, and I’m finding it hard to get rid of them. They’re my link to a time when I wasn’t like this. When I felt really alive, as opposed to just living.
I’m not sure what exactly it is. I suppose they remind me of when I was last happy. When the world seemed both fascinating and simple, rather than threatening and complex. Every tiny thing felt meaningful, as opposed to now, when everything I do is kind of empty. My life felt worthwhile. The world was a good place to be, […]
I wish I had an iota of the pride my old friends from the community have, one bit of the joy they have in challenging norms and bringing about a future without gender divisions or prejudice…
I hate being transgender. There’s nothing attractive or heroic or special about my fucked up not male not female body. I’ll never pass as the gender I identify as– not even now I’ve been on hormones for a year and have had all my surgeries. I still don’t pass. Never will. My bone structure makes that impossible.
I was an attractive person pretransition. I went on loads of dates, I might […]
Idk if this is the way I have always been or that this is the way I have become. I have so little to offer the world, so little skill or ability which in many ways makes me a worthless loser.
that wouldn’t be bad if I wasn’t such a monster inside. As the feeling of helplessness build coupled with lack of connection, and on top of that people acting towards me like I’m some sort of a freak, it created/encouraged the monster within.
It was the copping mechanism which has further ruined my life. As the problems were put off to a later age, the monster […]
I’ve tried to say more, I’ve WANTED to, but I don’t know what a plastic person can offer that isn’t plastic.
I have a job, a home, health, food, shelter, the necessities. My coworkers like me, my family cares about me, my friends mean the world to me. Somehow it makes me feel even worse about myself, more of an ingrate, more worthless, more hopeless.
Out of sight, out of mind
Memories recalled, painful objects of misery
Reliving the past, again and again, everyday is the same as yesterday
Perseverence, that’s all I have to show for myself, unless this bitter story comes to an end
Constant war between the world and me, just leave me be
All of this can’t be pointless, the meaning is hidden between the lines
Finding the truth is only the first step
Buried beneath guilt and shame, I’m slowly fading away
My only solice is in my sleep, my annoyminity
Wearing my mask, day by day, faking my smile and my display
Regressing back to square one
Alone […]
Attention!
Who here is as angry at the world as I?
Why does it upset you?
why can’t life be simple ? why do we have to go though so much pain and suffering ? why must the good die young and the rest get left to rot ? why is the world such a horrible place ? How can we find our purpose in life if we don’t even no were to begin ? Why am I fighting to live if I’m just living to die
Life is hard as it is let alone going though everyday depressed anxious and suicidal how much more suffering can one person go though maybe it’s my destiny to die early
Let me say this once for the whole world to hear: I. HATE. YOU. ALL.
I am bringing this up again, I was admitted to the E.R. yesterday for suicidal thoughts after my psychologist knew it was beyond her control.
My family, my mother she was pissed. She complained about how the 50$ wasted for parking in the hospital could’ve been used for buying shoes. She said, “Poor, poor girl….Your sister wanted to go shopping, and now she can’t because this bloody (insert swear words) crazy idiot did all this.” My father complained about missing work. My sister called me a dumb stupid teenager and I was making […]
I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.
I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to […]
I just broke the heart of the sweetest girl in the world. I tried my best to love her, to give her everything she deserved. I couldn’t do it. Maybe outwardly I did, but inside it just wasn’t there. I loved her, I just wasn’t in love with her. I don’t know why. Smart, beautiful, kind, funny; she has it all.
I didn’t think it would feel so empty after I did something that I wanted. But watching her break in front of me was right up there with the most difficult and painful things I have ever done. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, for […]
I’ve always thought that there were two kinds of death–the simple physical death and the more difficult conceptual death.
Physical death is just that–your heart stops and your bodies functions cease completely, we all know what this is. It seems to me that physical death is typically the beginning of conceptual death and this is because the deceased person is no longer able to act as an agent that affects the physical world. The only reason that we’re ever able to become conceptual beings is because of the ways in which the world responds to us. The more we interact with it, the more it interacts with us […]
1.) Nothing in this life is truly earned no matter what anyone tries to tell you. We don’t live in a fairy tale and people don’t get anywhere in life because they work hard and believe in themselves because if that were the case there are millions existing in squander this very moment that should be living in castle on the beach by now. People get places because something outside of what they do whether its looks, money, personality etc gives them the advantage to do so.
2.) No one has control over anything in life. We don’t get to choose if we are born, who our parents are, What our […]
sportsnut
As a Brit living abroad, here’s a couple of pictures to help you remember the what it’s like back in the old country. The first one was taken in Hampshire (where else!) at a place called Old Winchester Hill. It’s my favourite spot in the world and where I want my ashes scattered when the time comes. You wouldn’t think there could be so many shades of green. It’s a green and pleasant land indeed – well at least in this one small corner of it!
I know I have made seriously idiotic choices while ‘living’ in a zombie-like fog for a very, very long time; I’ve been so lost and absent for what seems like an eternity and I feel horrible for it. I am frozen. And it’s not fair to those around me, who watch as I walk around numb and oblivious. For so long. And I wonder what it all means. And I ruminate endlessly, stuck within my own self-imposed prison. I try to stay positive. I know I have been stronger, that I’m smarter than this, that this isn’t who I really am…or are those lies? So […]
So I managed to make it though yesterday but the battle dosnt stop there ok I managed to get out the house today for a short time
but doesn’t change my thoughts on the world
what is the point in struggling with depression and emotional pain everyday ? People say things get better when is that ? What’s the point in life if you don’t have no goals no idea where your going or what will happen next
people say lifes a journey and you should enjoy it well I’m not fucking enjoying this bull shit having more down then ups feel like I’m crawling though life and […]