Hello. Im at school right now. I should be studying but I’ve got to decompress first. I don’t think people want me atound. I don’t feel well. Do you ever wish you could stick your hand inside your head and rip out the things you don’t like about yourself? I would like to rip out the thing inside my head that makes me feel weird when around others. I wish I could stop caring. I don’t feel well. I don’t want it anymore. Back to studying. Thanks for listening.
Tag:
think
I’m not one to think of suicide when something bad happens in my life, but everyone at my school has drove me to that thought. I’ve always been bullied and been last or never picked cause of what people would say about me and how I’d be treated like someone’s little *****.. but it’s was always my nature to fucking forgive them and shit. I started to contemplate of ways to do suicide and actually think of myself never being there in people’s lives anymore and who’d about who would attend my funeral, but that was what drove me to not doing it ,because I […]
This year i will die. That is my resolve and it will not change anymore.
However i got myself into a responsibility mess by adopting two kitties and that is why i cannot or rather do not want to make it an obvious suicide. Ideally i want terminal cancer, and i’ve done some research on how to get it despite being as healthy as i am, but i’d like more input.
Do you think radiation from exposure to 2 or so americum 241 would be enough to give me cancer? I’m thinking of putting it in my water every time i drink, basically.
If not then what would […]
So I’ve just broken up with my girfriend of 2 and half years and I’m devastated; I’m heartbroken.
all I can think is I’m too blame, I wish I cared more for her when we were together. Instead I’m sitting here contemplating stupid things.
I’ve been such an idiot. I want her back I need her.
Reality is boring , real life is boring , real world is boring , not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring
real-life is boring
real-world is boring
not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
also,
I hate Humans , Humans suck
I hate Human , Human suck
I hate Humanity, Humanity suck
I hate people , people suck
Most humans / people only think about Money ,
and this reality is boring !
reallife is boring !
realworld is boring !
people / humans are so shallow, superficial, stupid, ignorant
Humanity is hopeless
if there is God , then God is boring !
even Science is boring too !
Science fiction (Sci-fi) is much more interesting than real Science facts !
why […]
So about six weeks ago, I took an overdose. Clearly, it didn’t kill me, lol. Since then I’ve been overwhelmed with people trying to help. Counselling, reviews, going through my post.
I had an assessment yesterday. I guess breaking someone down into tiny little pieces is a good way of hammering it home that they’re not really in a good place. Ha. No, I’m sure that man was only trying to do his job, the only way he knows how, and I guess it’s whoever taught him that’s to blame.
He wanted to know if I would like to see the self-harm team. No. I think I […]
It’s late enough that probably everyone has gone to sleep or is out partying in that fuzzy world where beer helps us forget everything else.
But I’ll just post this anyway, to help myself think.
About 3 months ago, I posted THIS about a guy in our symphony who died. (Possibly/probably suicide).
His memorial service was last Thursday (they kept him on ice an extra long time because they had to wait for his brother to get home from overseas).
Since he was an excellent trumpet player, I’ve been trying to think of a way to pay tribute to that by composing a piece we can […]
It’s Friday again
Speedy metal cages roll
Traffic is insane
I can barely think
Radioactive jello
My brain has become
Other people buzz
Mindless roaches scattering
To their party life
I stay in one piece
A dark room behind my eyes
Craving solitude
.
.
I find myself telling myself I should. Tearing myself down over and over trying to find a way to. And I wish I could sob. I wish I could vomit blood until I pass out. I wish and I don’t do anything other than tell myself that the wishing itself is supposed to be important. I try to find what I once had to live for and find myself settling for attempting to recall a time I didn’t think I was going to kill myself and I can’t even do that without saying that the desire to be dead is what I irrevocably have. What […]
I’ve come to the realization that I will never understand people or connect with them. Yet, I can’t escape biology and instinct…
So, I will save myself the headache and quit this game early. Despite what others may think, this is a logical decision to me. I’ve tempted fate and tested instinct. I don’t have that instinct to survive. If I was on a deserted island with easy to get food and water, I bet I would still starve to death…
My parents would be devastated if I die. Nobody would see it coming, I’m supposed to be the funny one, the one that’s always laughing and carefree.
My dad would be angry at me, I can already imagine the look of disappointment on his face: ‘why didn’t she tell us? She had no reason to kill herself. We gave her everything she ever wanted, is this how she repays us?’.
My mum would cry all night and all day. She’d blame herself, ask herself where she went wrong. She used to be depressed when she was younger, maybe she’d go under again. She’d stop working […]
So… I’ve been made an offer.
My aunt and uncle who live in Illinois called tonight and mom was telling them about college and stuff down here (I’m in Georgia.) My aunt, who is in college to be a nurse, told us about the college up there… and honestly, it sounds so much better than the one I am currently in.
Well, they offered to let me live with them and even offered to help me with getting grants and paying for things and all of that as long as I stay in college. Wow, is honestly all I can think. I was talking to my mom […]
I think the fact that I was raped and nobody (friends) believe me or support me is what’s going to make me pull the trigger. I told one of my close friends about it yesterday but I made it seem like it was a friend who got raped and not me. And he said “well was she flirting with him.” That pissed me off. Then I said does it matter, she said no and kept trying to push him off. Then he continues to say “Well I know how guys think. He probably thought she was playing hard to get.” “maybe in her mind […]
Riddle me this: Why does my father think my mother is too blame for my insanity or the fact my brother can’t find a job? He says the reason “we don’t do anything is because our mother babied us too much” and that caused me to become apathetic how exactly? He is the one that thinks beating us would’ve helped… Normally, a mother’s gentleness should’ve translated to me wanting to help others. Instead, I want to watch them burn.
I can’t even fake “normalcy” anymore. I can’t even force myself to give the illusion that I care about my studies. I’m done with pretending. It’s time […]
About a year ago I lost a job I was with six years…that’s around the time I lost my fiancé of 6 years. It was mainly due to depression and really stupid choices. I never cheated on her but I guess I was kind of a mean drunk. I found new work but couldn’t hack it there and ended up leaving and getting buried in credit card debt. I still haven’t been able to get out. I was with a job the last couple months that I really thought I could make work. Mostly due to my depression I started to despise it. Found myself […]
A psychiatrist was pacing side to side in the room while giving a conference on dealing with stress.
When she suddenly raised a glass of water, everyone thought she was going to ask if the glass was half full or half empty.
Nevertheless, she asked instead with a smile:
“How heavy is this glass of water?”
The answers varied. From 100 grams to 500 grams.
She replied:
“Its absolute weight in fact is of no importance whatsoever.”
“It simply depends on how long I hold the glass for. If I hold it for a minute, there is not a problem at all.
If I hold it for one hour, my arm […]
Help me if you can
Its just that this
Is not the way I’m wired
So could you please
Help me to understand
Why
You’re giving in to all these
Wreckless dark desires
You’re lying to yourself again.
Suicidal imbecile.
Think about it.
You’re pounding on the fault line.
What’s it gonna take to get it through to you precious.
I’m over this.
Why do you wanna through it all away like this?
Such a mess.
Well I don’t wanna watch you
Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at time.
What’s your rush now?
Everyone will have his day to die.
So today’s trash day… And then something random happened I somehow let myself think even just for 2 seconds and then I suddenly wanted to just jump in the truck when it comes or stand/sit in front of le truck and let nature take its course…. One truck has already been so its still slightly possible. But then I was fine like meh mkay. But seriously forcing myself to stay alive for a 5 year old I’m starting to regret making that post/promise (I promised IRL to mah nephew) I get random thoughts in my head its weird… I’m weird… But hey some of u […]
If my parents ever divorced I wouldn’t be able to choose which one I’d live with. So from my previous post not long ago this memory came to me. My dad and I were in the parking lot at a restaurant about to go inside when my mom called in. I don’t remember what they talked about but when my dad hung up he was pissed. He asked me if I would want to go on a trip with him, England exactly, just him and me. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know why he was saying it. But it hurt. Did he want to […]