Its so hard to hold everything in. You want to scream all the time but you cant because you dont want people to hear you. You just put a smile on your face and pretend like everything is ok and you dont notice whats going on. You pray everyday to just disappear, and you wait for so long just have everything blow up in your face.
Your worth something, and if you have to be the only person who cares about yourself then so be it. It might be hard, and you might need help sometimes, but its not impossible. You just have to keep […]
There is so many things stressing me out and i just want to let go and feel that blade against my skin. I want peace of mind for just a couple minutes. The other thing is that my nightmare was that I lost control in front of my dad who knows nothing about me being a cutter and I just grabbed a knife and started cutting myself up. I kept saying this is what you do to me; over and over again. My cousin had to grab me and force my hands to stop. With that nightmare going through my head I’m feeling really frazzled […]
So, I went to see a doctor. Basically to just confirm what I already know. Major depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD. I told him I think I might have a personality disorder too, something along the lines of Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. I know I might be going overboard here, but I feel like I fit the criteria perfectly, for both BPD and SPD, actually. He said he’ll look into it with our upcoming consultations.
I always look at the criteria for all these personality disorders and think, “Fuck! This is so me.” Not that my personality traits cause any […]
Just sitting here in school and all I can think about is cutting. I hadn’t done it in months. And then just like that my heart gets shattered and I’m back to it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. The sharp blade, the drip of my blood, the burn after.. I’m missing her like crazy. And she hates me. She never actually cared. She told me that. Showed me, too. She used me. She’s 23 and I’m 17. My mom found out I’m gay and won’t even look at me. Got a text at work last night where she was just reminding me, “Girls […]
I am the anomaly, I am the problem. This will never end because I will always remain there. If I had that much will, that much thirst to end this suffering, it would have been long gone by now. I just keep moaning, beating the hollow drum to make noise. I don’t really want to end it. If I did, I would’ve by now. Nature keeps taking its natural course. Whatever is still natural in my body and mind also keeps taking its natural course. It is me who is out of the way. I am the anomaly, I am the distort in natural course […]
I can’t put the knife down.
I need a reason to live. Someone give me a reason to live!!
I love my mother. I love her so much, I don’t ever want to hurt her. My family is the only reason keeping me alive. But right now, I don’t really care about that. I’m too blinded by the pain, I just can’t take it anymore. I want to die so bad.
Cutting has gone this far. The pain doesn’t want to go away anymore. My heart is so heavy.
IF YOU ACTUALLY READ THIS POST, READ THIS SECTION IN BOLD FIRST:
I found this in an old notebook dated May 27th 2015 and I decided to type it out to keep it documented since I need to destroy the notebook before my family see it and hand it to my psychiatrist.
It contradicts quite a lot, and it’s extremely confusing. I don’t remember writing any of this. I can only assume I wrote it during a time when I was too ‘in-tune’ with my hallucinations to understand what I was doing.
The contradictions may be different voices and/or demons/figures arguing with one another, I don’t know […]
I wish I was special.
I wish so many things.
But I’m a creep .
I’m a weirdo.
I do whatever makes me happy.
though it doesn’t last long.
What am I waiting for?
I should just be done with it and end it all right?
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here.
She ran.
So far away.
You’re so special.
You’re just like an angel.
I want you.
To notice.
I want a perfect soul.
I want a perfect body.
I wish I was special.
You’re so fucking special.
I don’t care if it hurts.
I don’t belong here. . .
I think I want to die but not because of sadness. I want to die because I can not live with myself. I […]
It’s my senior year and I’m afraid of losing touch with my friends… That’s all I can think about and it scares me. I don’t want to let them go like some of my old friends. Please, how do I keep updated and in touch with them when I’m done with high school?
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‘Suicidal people are made, not born’ was a post I saw once. But is that really true? When I was born, the doctor had to cut my mother open and forcibly bring me into this world because I had a failure to thrive. Even in that infantile state I knew I did not want to be in this world.
Several months ago I tried to kill myself. I took over 50 prescription sleeping pills and washed them down with alcohol. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to try to kill yourself and fail? This was not a cry for help or attention. My […]
everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
People who talk about their will to attempt suicide and prevent others from suicide at the same time.
I’m not saying that if you feel suicidal, you should encourage everybody, but dammit, how could tell others that their lives are valuable when you can’t appreciate yours? Either stop bitching about how you want to throw your life away or stop lying about how life never should be thrown away.
i am trapped between suicide and survival. i want to die because i cannot live. but there are so many obstacles, and i am so tired… i don’t want to do anything substantial. i want to lay on the road and let someone else do all the work, but that would be incredibly selfish of me. (i know we’re not supposed to talk about methods, but that’s also a terrible method. don’t try it.) i want to fall asleep in the tub. sometimes i think about driving to the ocean and swimming until i can’t anymore, but i’m too afraid of the water. i feel […]
Just yesterday I had a dream of my mother, she was drunk and throwing stuff around our home. In my dream I called her “a drunk” and then she looked at me and asked “what about you?” What was the box of wine I found in your room?”
That dream could not be more true, I’m not living at home but its true I’m drinkin as much or even more than she is.
Life is not working out at all, I’m 23 years old, never had sex, never had relationship. I seriously just want to die.
I hear comments from my friends every few days about how […]
I woke up this morning, but i’m not happy to say i did. Tried to OD last night, but i threw everything up in my sleep apparently. I don’t know if i took enough, i was drunk when i took the pills. Was definitely enough to make me feel sick. My roomate (who was my fiance, broke up with me after cheating on me) isn’t here and i have no one to talk to. He usually helps me with this stuff, but i don’t feel like i can trust him anymore. I’m left with no one to talk to. Once i mustered enough strength to […]
It just hit me why im here … I just want to be able to talk to people who can relate and not just be ignored .. Ive been thinking a lot lately of doing self harm but i never get enough guts to do it … I dont know if im depressed but i feel like i am… Its so hard to live a life where everyone you care about ignores you or simply breaks your heart .. I really want to talk to people and for once not be ignored?
Life is beautiful!!
Source: www.Reddit.com
parents: Congratulations, little boy or girl! You’re going to exist!
embryo: Oooh, what does that entail?
parents: So many things! You’re going to be sentient, first of all. You will experience pleasure and pain. You will feel a wide variety of emotions, some of which will be augmented by your human intelligence!
embryo: That sounds complicated.
parents: It will be! The human experience is such a complex one, due to our high intelligence combined with our primitive instincts! We are probably the only creatures on the planet that have existential woes!
embryo: ….
parents: In fact, we’re creating […]
When I was younger my life was crap and yet despite all that was happening to me, rape, beatings, abandonment, homelessness, foster care I still had this idea that my future would be better. I still somehow believed that if I could just hold on long enough, try my hardest then one day things would fall into place. Twenty six years later and I have run out of that hope. I cry myself to sleep all the time, I cant find a job, I have no freedom at home, no money, I only ever get used in romantic “relationships”. Ive never had a boyfriend. I […]