Not literally but mentally. The saddest and most painful kind of dying is the kind on the inside. It takes time and you slowly become a you who is not you. I feel like everyday i am getting closer till whats left of myself gets sucked out of me. My personality, my spirit, my happiness. I only have some left and everyday i get closer because Im trapped. I just need to move out really soon. I have to leave with the little i have left.
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So, it turns out im an alcoholic… thats the first time ive uttered those words fully.. i wish i could sya i felt better saying them but what i know ive to do next is rather unappealing. after this weekend im going to stay off the whiskey, and off the beer and off the vodka and cider, not that i touch that swine piss, and off puteen and all that. puteen is any irish alcoholic drink, ranges upwards of 80% and is illegal to brew here, yes im an irish stereotype, a motherfucken drunkard. anyway, heres me enjoying one of my last drinks. i dont […]
Ok so I’am sitting on a bunk bed , yes a bunk bed of course the bid nice house was a lie its a two leveled apartment with three room all small. I’m staying in the smallest room with two sets of bunk beds. that I think half the sizes of twins and since my husband refuses to sleep in separate bed for two night I sleept in a wall. When I asked to sleep by my slef the whole group said if you fitted on the couch at his grandmothers whats the Problem.
So t
Lake tahoe looks like a shitty little mountain town with enough […]
im bored whats the time were everyone is let’s chat ? Post or email not bothered topic ? Anything I spy ? XD lool
I used to think that funerals were for the dead, to let them depart and celebrate their life but now I know they are just for the living, for the people to say goodbye and help mourn the loss. Thats why when I take my life I’m gonna have in the letter that I wanna be cremated because I dont want my body to be left here in the ground I want it burned away as my soul goes on.
Also whats your guys thoughts on burials/cremation??
The only thind that make lookk forward to lake tahoe is there nothing tieing my in-laws there they “Say there leaveing it in August” so whats keeping me from taking my life there? …. Nothing .
Theysay money is coming easy there so If I make enough. I gooe the resorts have a comfey bed and food feathered down blanket there. so I can take something to sleep and not wake up .
Or a nice bath to take box cutter to my arm and drift away I like water. My family will give up onme the second I get the plane so there no worrie about […]
Mom has lost her keys again,
dad keeps seaching for his cell phone,
sis is busy in her laptop,
bro is listening to music.
And I know where the keys are,
and I know where the phone is.
And I know what she is searching
and I know what he found there.
So I know what is comming,
but don’t know whats going on.
—
I feel worthless, empty and alone.
I will no kill myself anytime soon but I am destroying my life… doing nothing on the sofa
This last week has been a blur.. I dont know what to think, cant seem to identify how i feel. When i think about leaving i seem to think of my kids less lately. And more about the end of feeling. Telling myself shell find someone to step in and in a few months itll be asif i had never even been here. Mom wont care, shell still be focused on success and work after a few weeks again. Dad wants to kill himself to so whats the difference. Im glad my boys are young they wouldnt remember. But i wonder would i be free? […]
I haven’t been doing OK,
but I have been feeling, “OK”.
And I wonder why. Yes, I am still suicidal, crying all night and day, cutting everyday.
But, during the days and nights, I haven’t been feeling, “numb.”
I have been “OK”. I haven’t felt a deep dark pit swelling inside of me. I think I realized how fine I was recently after reading posts here about how some people are very sad at the moment.
So whats the change? Why am I OK?
I’m not sure. However, I do notice my happiness comes from wondering about suicide.
As some may know, in a month I plan to end it all. And […]
Well.. I dumped my boyfriend. He was a scumbag. Had no respect for me whats so ever. Fuck that guy.
I thought I would be even more depressed from it.
But honestly, I feel 1000 times better.
I feel like that stupid dark cloud has finally fucked off for awhile atleast.
If I knew all I had to do was get rid of him to feel happier, I would have done it a long time ago.
Thankyou asshole ex-boyfriend for teaching me what I never want in my life again. 🙂 YOU.
I’M ME AGAIN
no one cares whats the point i cant do this anymore
Hi folks.
Well today ive tried to go for some shopping, looks like i need to buy a suit (new year party thingy), oh sweet, like i said i tried, i went to some shopping, but its so messy, so many people.. I had to give up, it took all my strengh. Than ive tried to go get a coffee in midle of town you know, just wanted to get it and to go near the river to sit in there and cry, yes because this try , sucked all i had, and again, people and traffic everywhere, gave up again.
Here i AM, tired, confused, near […]
I’m 30 now and still can’t Forget my father spanking me, pointing the gun to my mom’s head. My older brother and sister hitting me and hurting me, and other kids making fun of me at school. They hurt me so many times and then they ran away soon and I had to grow up as an only son. I cannot forget that I could not sleep quietly because he threatened so many times of starting a fire on our house and on me and my mom in the Middle of the night and Kill us both and himself right after. I can’t just erase […]
There are certain triggers that will cause an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It doesn’t last very long but I feel it, I remember it. I have a relative who is sick and dying and I don’t have my life together so I can take care of them. I get so damn angry at myself I should have been done with college and had a good job by now. I’m going to school entering my senior year next semester working 2 jobs trying to stay a float with my tuition. I think I’m going to get a loan next semester and focus on taking my relative […]
how does one ask for help? how do i tell the people that love me that theyre killing me? all i want to do is scream for help but my mouth is sewed shut with embarrassment. other people have problems to, why burden them with mine? keeping it all in is whats been letting me survive but now i feel like im going to explode. saying that i want to die is an understatement.
i could die right now and nothing would change. the world would still progress. i am one out of over seven billion people on this earth and nothing i do is actually important.
so whats to stop me from perishing?
you know that feeling you get when youre falling asleep, when your limbs are dead and heavy, well that’s me all the time. I couldn’t even get the milk out of the fridge. I’m so desperate inside, like I’m scrambling through all of this heavy darkness inside of me, I cant breathe. my heart is palpitating. I feel physically sick. and keep zoning out for 10 minutes every now and then and have no idea whats going on. councelling is shit, they even said they don’t know how to help. I just don’t know what I need. I cant. I want to, but I mentally […]
i had a good maby hour and a half then my brother came back home with his shitty boyfriend on top of that i have to listen to my next door neighbors talk shit to. i felt good for what felt like 2 seconds, and it was nice. i just hope i get this job then all i have to do is save up enough money and move. ill be ok i just have to leave no one cares if i leave i just cant go back to that place whats so ever ill be ok.
Some days, some days.
The spinning it feels the same.
Let gravity settle you where you lay.
Our minds can’t grasp all that empty space,
but our hearts still feel it when its there, just the same.
Some days, some days.
Just out of reach. Whats ahead has always been to far for me.
I’ve been here far to long but I’m not sure whats changed.
I still think that I should have more things to say.
Good bye, stay safe.
I need to leave. Emptiness has always been a theme for me.
My legs will bear what my heart can’t take,
but like the tides my […]
Im 23 and im tired of fighting this battle. I can no longer fill my head with the idea that it will get better. Im struggling everyday fighting back the tears. I seeked helped taken meds and yet i still feel like im living in hell. I think i will be done soon or hope i have the strength to end it. I feel bad for the ones i leave behind but enough is enough. My heart just wasnt made for this world. Its terrible we are put through this mental agony. I feel for everybody out there dealing with demons.
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