For those who have passed on.
Just started the new school year and most of my friends weren’t treating me like one. They’d say no to hanging out, no to anything they shut down all conversation I tried to make. This went on for the first week and I dumped then all
I feel horrible. I don’t think I did anything that bad to all of them
And it’s not like they were in a bad mood they were friendly and shit to each other
I’ve known them all since like primary..nfjcnxmxmxmxnslssk.
I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle dont let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me, please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.
I know you’re plan is un, known but until you reveal it to me. PLEASE make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to […]
I just wanted to be a scientist. That is all I wanted. But I don’t know if that will come true. It seems like life doesn’t want that to come into fruition. I’ve tried studying for it , but the math is so complicated I am not sure If I can do it. Maybe if I take one class at a time? I am getting older however, so I am not sure if I can take the liberty to do that. I feel like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. Except there is no wizard in sight. I love science. I really do. I am […]
trying to maintain my mental health thru someone
someone that love me and know my story
weve been together since 2010
from a friend to best friend to love
from cheerful to depressed version
started to
loving myself
grooming myself
looking into the bright side
trying to be better
but i
afraid to be in relationship
relationship is a frail thing
break like a glass
cant be forever
and what makes me scared the most
what if i dont love him back
what if he develop depression too
what if i fail you?
just like today
when my parents trying to take the mental health stability i earned and […]
I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky
I hope that if my family/loved ones ever see this account or posts etc that they know they had nothing to do with the bad of how i feel. I’m sorry I can’t love them enough to like latch onto their feelings for my reason to try some more.
Today has been a very emotionally taxing today .Laughing with them too the edge off for a while x
Dear loved ones y’all have been awesome and done all you could ,this is all on me. I hope ill get to meet yoy again in better condition ! x you really are special x
In these woods I stand belong to me.
They’re burnt and barren as far to see;
The skies are dark and a storm is coming
There is no shelter for me.
It might be unwise to wait just a bit
But my weariness compels me to sit
As the winds pick up and the thunder rumbles
I cup my hands around to get my cigarette lit.
I’ve made too many mistakes while on my path
It’s plain to see and as easy as math.
There’s no time left and honestly I’m very tired
To face the stress, the hurt, the wrath.
These woods might not be pretty, green […]
Since my parents both died, even before that my siblings treated me like dirt, stole a condo from me and have done other hateful things towards me. I dont speak to them anymore. I wish i had a good family. im a cool fun gay male and have a bf that sometimes supports me and sometimes not. I just want to die sometimes, too often I think about ways to do this too. By the way i have no friends either. How pitiful….
When I was 4, my parents split up. My mother never fought for me. She just ran to another state. My brother and I ended up living my life with my father. My father got with another woman who was mentally ill. They had 2 more children together. That woman thought there were maggots and worms under our skin while our father was out working. That woman started to cut some of my skin off and only saw blood. My father got home eventually and found a puddle of blood on the floor. He argued with her for the longest time. After that, she locked […]
Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)
Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).
It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]
my dad died on 16/5/21
everyday i think of him. there is not a single day where i forget about him/. my dad had killed himself. i miss him bro, i remember driving in the car with him, blasting pitbull or elton john on full volume, speeding down little countryside roads. this man has been a role model to me, my entire life. i feel so guilty for his death. the day before he had died, (my parents were divorced) he had called me 6 FUCKING TIMES… and i ignored every single one of them because he was an alcoholic, and i was afraid of […]
Healing.
That’s the word we keep using.
Healing the inner child. Healing the past, Healing and moving forward. Moving with each other.
Special.
What we have is clearly special.
It’s not like we love each other, but we care. We keep using that word, too. Care. I care for her. She cares for me.
…
Pact.
We made a pact together.
We would be alone with each other if it helped and also avoid self-isolation.
Her mind. Font. Her Font. She is so similar to me. She calls it OCD and Anxiety.
I am afraid to speak before her.
but my words
become easier as they leave me
when I speak with her –
i feel heard. After all. Somehow. […]
here a list of people i lost in my whole life :
Niela (born August 4th 1996 , killed herself December 5th 2012)
Dereck ( born July 7th 1994 , died in a car crash December 31st 2012)
Renata ( born December 18th 1998 , killed herself November 23rd 2015)
Gaviella ( born September 12th 2006 , died of leucemia May 16th 2016)
Kapriella ( born ???? , killed herself July 11st 2017)
Cameron ( May 28th 1999, died of epilepsy July 6th 2019)
Winona ( January 2nd 2000, killed herself March 5th 2022)
Mary-Ann ( June 5th 1980 , killed herself June 5th 2022)
My entire life I have been disrespected, treated like shit and been bullied by everyone I met to the point of attempting suicide. Many people told me I am an easy target and I am dumb as fuck and they thoroughly enjoyed putting me down. I have no friends, not a soul in this world who I can call if I am in a fight or a life-death situation. All this is because I am autistic and have no social skills.
Needless to say I hate most people after my great experiences with them. I have also developed cptsd and serious heart issues due to the […]
I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.
[image and caption removed]
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Dear Dr.X,
Thank you for getting through with the call with me today. I knew it was quite late for you since you didn’t have a continuous sleep the night before. I can hear your agitation in your tone although you kept on with the polite laughs and expressing gratitude as usual. The many times you called within a minute alone showed your agitation, while I was using the loo.
I want to tell you that I am sorry for coercing you into a late night call. I know that I was being inconsiderate of your situation. I only consider about my own convenience and feeling, ignoring […]
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