it hurts

tomorrows my moms birthday and while i can say i will smile and be happy on the outside thats only part of the truth but ill be crying on the inside. I havent decided if im ready to die yet ecspecially since i never seem to get it right I know if i really was ready id go to the bridge and jump off. I guess im at the point were i still do want help even though no help has been the right help. My therapist i feel like i havent talked to her in years. The last two times i saw her once she was on an emergency call so she was on the phone the whole time and when she wasnt she didnt say much. The other time she had a lot of people around her since it was group therapy so we didnt talk much and now shes on vacation.I feel neglected and unloved which is crazy cause i have three therapist technically. But the other two our pawns my main therapist is who i want to be able to let go to. I cant talk to my family they dont take me seriously my little sister hates me and my mom she doesnt need my bullshit shes supporting five people on two jobs incomes.My dad lost his job awhile back and cant find work. All this makes me want to cry. But i havent cried in a long time because tears dont come easy to me its like tear constipation tears come rarely if ever. The sick thing is i just got out of the mental hospital the place thats supposed to help me with this. They drugged me with every type of anti psychotic at that place and i still didnt stop screaming from being tied down.I came out just as depressed they diagnosed me as bipolar and mentally retarded which my therapist and psychiatrist laughed at because they knew from seeing me that it wasnt true. I acted out at that hospital i dont know why. I was off meds because i dont take meds in mental hospitals its just my rule because i dont reward people for locking me up. But i act like a psychopath at every mental hospital and i dont understand why i do these stupid things i just do them . It makes me hate myself cause im like why cant i just be normal. I do nothing in life except sit at home and do nothing except therapy.My whole life is therapy and its making me fucking nuts. My life goes no further than that of my mental health record and if i cant get any further than life than that then its time for me to die cause im not contributing to this society im taking up space at the same time im destroying my loved ones lives.At least if i died it would only be once and they would mourn a couple years later they would be able to build there lives back up without me. But i cant go on like this living in sorrow pretending to be happy going to ers or mental hospitals every other week. its just to much and i need to force myself to leave this earth somehow