My failure to die

hey guys just joined up, my story is about my failure to die.
it doesn’t begin in any fancy way, just with a girl, why is it always a girl? it’s been 10 years since i fell in love with her, both of us were nine years old at the time. but there never seemed like a time for us. for years we remained friends, best friends, but as close as we were it just never happened, i could never say how i felt. then she started seeing those guys, just in it for her looks and her body. she was clever enough never to let them come to close, they always left disappointed after she dumped them. she seemed to be looking for a very specific kind of guy, i used to like thinking that maybe i was the one she was looking for, and that i was right there all along, but i could never try for it. i was to afraid i’d be wrong, and that it would change our friendship forever, i couldn’t bear the thought of losing her, so i remained her friend. then she met him, he was just as bad as the rest, i could see it, but he never showed that side of himself to her. he wore a mask in her presence, then gloat while her back was turned. i wanted to tell her so badly, but what if she didn’t believe me? so i let it continue, and because i never said anything, she ended up getting hurt. she was hurting so bad inside, but i couldn’t do anything, i didn’t know how. i could be there as a friend, but i saw she needed so much more, i just didn’t know how to give it to her and i couldn’t risk making it worse. so i stayed with her to catch her tears upon my shoulder, but soon she found another guy just like the last, and again she got hurt. now she felt so distant, to the world, to her family and friends, and even to me. and so i suffered with her, every day she continued my heart broke, my body felt rage, i felt like i would go insane, my mind turning in my head for something, anyway to make her feel better, but someone always beats me to the punch. and so she found another guy, this time he was kind, and treated her the way she should be treated. and though i was happy for her, my heart broke again, and the rage continued. if she ended up with him she could never be with me, but what had i ever done to deserve that? nothing, and i was sick of it. i’d hated myself since the first moment i let her get hurt, and every time after that i failed to act for her, i hated myself all the more. i wanted to die, kill myself as painfully as i could, i deserved it, but i was her best friend. surely my death would only bring her more sadness, and i couldn’t do that. but we hadn’t spoken for a long time, maybe i was no longer her best friend, maybe she didn’t even remember me as one of her friends at all, i continued to twist and turn truths and lies in my own head creating the world i know today, the world i can never love, nor be loved in, i don’t feel anything towards other people anymore. but she was immune to this world, she knew i was still her friend, and though i never said it, she could see my pain. she would hold me and tell me things i’d always wished to hear from her lips. and then she told me i would always be hers, i don’t know how she meant it, probably that i would always be a friend to her no matter what, but i had never been so happy in my life, i felt like this is where i truly belong. but i knew, even though i belonged to her, she would never belong to me, so i made a promise to her, i never told her my promise, she needed to be able, to continue her own life despite my troubles. i promised her my soul and my body and my heart. my soul, meaning i would do anything for her, i would live for her, i would die for her, and even though she doesn’t know it, she holds my future in her hands. my body, to protect her, i would never allow her to be hurt again, i would kill anyone should they lay an aggressive hand on her, and i made my point clear to several unsuitable men who were trying to catch her attention. my heart, because no matter what, whether she eventually came to hate me, or performed any act to which another man might hate her for, i would always love her, no matter what. and it’s been like this for years. i still hate myself more than anything, i still want to die, i want to end it all, i’ve distanced myself to keep her from noticing, but i still remain close enough to protect her. we are still good friends, but i know we can never be together the way i wanted, she told me a long time ago, you have to love yourself to truly love another. and that is how i know we will always be apart, i refuse to love any part of myself, every day is a living hell in my eyes but i cannot die, until i have permission, but of coarse i will never ask, it would probably scare her. and i could never do something so selfish. i promise this is 100% completely true, the story of my life, and my failure to die.