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I hate living but I’m too afraid to die. I hate myself for it.

by HangedKiller

Hi, I’m HangedKiller, and this is my story.

Obviously, HangedKiller is not my real name. I don’t know why I’m talking about this on the internet, but there’s something screaming inside of me.

I attempted suicide by hanging the summer of 2009.

Asian families have no room for your opinions or your dreams. I became accustomed to the ‘sit down and shut up’ routine.

Becoming used to being nothing is so horrible.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t live up to their expectations. No matter how much I lived for their ideals, it started falling apart in sophomore year of high school. I was a 4.0 student until then, and then depression hit and I started getting B’s. Then C’s. And then D’s and F’s. I couldn’t see what I was good for. I wasn’t stellar at Piano. I wasn’t going to be an academic valedictorian. I was ashamed of myself. I thought I was worthless. I started cutting in the beginning of sophomore year. I hated my cowardly self, how lonely I felt, how restricted I felt, how much I hated Christianity, how hopeless I felt. My future as the filial asian daughter was to study hard, go to a great college, get a Ph.D, and be some professor or researcher  with equally successful children. I DIDN’T WANT THAT. But I couldn’t say anything. My grades and my depression were inversely related. One spiraled down as the other escalated. I lost my grasp on life. When report cards came out, I hid it for weeks. I tore it up and threw it away.

When I could no longer avoid the truth, I waited until my mom and dad were out of the house. I looped a belt around a stair rail and tried to hang myself.

It didn’t work.  (obviously) I was caught.

I survived, and everything about my grades came out to my parents. Even then, I couldn’t communicate with them what was wrong. A week later, they were acting like everything was back to normal. Besides my abysmal grades, they acted like nothing had ever happened. I have never received counseling, and I still cannot tell them anything. My world views are vastly different from theirs, but I play the role of the good daughter and do as they say.

I continued to cut. My parents still don’t know. I cut open old cuts to prevent wide regions of scarring. I have been cutting for three years, and they still don’t know.

Because of my grades from sophomore year, I basically redid my whole second semester while taking all my classes for junior year. It was a double courseload. I couldn’t keep up, and my grades only drifted back up to B’s and C’s. This continued all through the rest of high school. I scraped my way into a decent college, but it was a huge disappointment to my parents. I wasn’t in Berkeley or Harvard or MIT or even Cornell. My parents couldn’t show their faces in front of their friends. On my birthday, my mom cried and screamed that I should have died. I felt guilty for wasting my parents efforts and time.

Three years after my suicide attempt, I still cut. It’s not that serious. It’s just methodical; slicing open the same old wounds. I hug that same belt at night sometimes, feeling the cold metal and dreaming of death. I still hate myself. I still want to die everyday. I lost the one person that I could lean on, and now I can’t tell anyone how lost and alone I feel. I was supposed to be all better. They all want to pretend it never happened.

I want to die. But I’m afraid. I’m a failure. I can’t even die properly. I’m wasting my parents money by going to college. I’m a waste of space. I should have died three years ago. These thoughts multiply and I crumble everyday. I don’t cry anymore when I cut. Living with the depression and hatred of myself has become the twisted way I live. Why can’t I die? I don’t want to hope.

 

I should have died.

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12 comments

Quiet 10/16/2012 - 4:58 am

I understand. I tried hanging just resently again so you’re not the only one. If you really want counseling then let it all out here.

howard ino 10/16/2012 - 6:10 am

Hello, sorry to here of your pain, i hope u can get some comfort from some of the nice people who use this site, i read their comments quite regularly, and they are very supportive…good luck to you..

NBJT 10/16/2012 - 1:29 pm

Hi, I can relate to everything you wrote except trying to commit suicide it’s just something that I can’t and won’t ever be able to do. I know what’s like to live without living just thinking this is not where i sould be or what the hell am I doing with myself but trust me It will get better !!! E-mail me if you wanna talk : nb.crossfire@yahoo.fr

Ara 10/16/2012 - 4:23 pm

I’m really sorry for the way your feeling. Your parents are messed up! How could they wish you were dead! They should be ashamed of themselves! I wish you the best. But please don’t let suicide be the only way out. I believe you can keep on going. They’ll get what they deserve later on in life. You are strong enough to ignore them.

RuinedDreams 10/16/2012 - 5:33 pm

Asian daughter screaming against their parents wishes and just being tired of all that cultural christianity bullshit?
Wow, Im heading down your path. Meaning, im just like you. (: well not just like you, but similair. Email me, mdreams71@gmail.com . Dont feel like that. no one is a waste of space, and you shouldn’t have died. there’s a reason why you lived. Im Kiki, of age 14. BooYahh , Mail me if you want to. Im not pushing u to do anything, but id love to talk to you! :c

TripTheFinalLine 10/17/2012 - 12:37 am

our mother was sick for saying that to you. Stupid *****. FUCKING CHRIST wth is wrong with her

TripTheFinalLine 10/17/2012 - 12:37 am

YOUR not OUR

HangedKiller 10/17/2012 - 4:28 am

I’ve looked for other methods, but hanging was the most accessible when I attempted before. It’s crazy how close to death we are every day.

HangedKiller 10/17/2012 - 4:28 am

Thanks. You all really are so supportive.

TripTheFinalLine 10/17/2012 - 8:47 am

The most understanding “safe” people are those who “get it” can be found in these pages. Very very few have said GET OVER IT or YOU WILL GO TO HELL, etc. How ma y times do we have to be guilted with words such as “you are selfish, a coward, weak, taking the easy way out, life is beautiful, …..here take more meds that make your not eat/overeat/feel like a zombie – – – -JUST so you can exist to bolster their selfishness of having a person around they have NO TRUE understanding of. No compassion for. Never or rarely call. Never make part of their ongoing life.

ALLLLLLL the kids who are going to be left w out a parent. Oh you mean mine who wont speak to me since their filthy rich dad dumped me and took the children I RAISED and gave them to his barren wife who in here mid 40s has never been married. The kids who no longer speak to me because MOMMY didnt want to stay married to a narcissistic control freak?

Yeah pain us nuts now for sure. We want to die. BFD. Tried living and I tried hard. So like you – I get it. WHat your mom said is SHIT. How dare she hurt you like that. These inside ugly people shape the rest of society – esp those closest to them. And turn them by proxy, in the pain eaters to the point of exploding. We take all this shit and swallow it until we pass the fill line.

I get it. I truly hear you. I am pissed off that it ends up like this for so many of us

HangedKiller 10/17/2012 - 10:41 pm

….I may be asian but I just went full black woman inside my head.

MHHHM PREACH IT SISTAH. MMMM GURL. I FEEL YOU~~~ xD

Life fucking sucks the big one so. MUCH. of the freaking. time.

mik2014 5/26/2014 - 9:28 pm

the pursuit of perfection breeds self loathing. its ok to not be perfect. i know I’ve foolishly pursued perfection and it has brought undold misery to my life. Im so sorry to learn that your parents don’t understand you, but I know exactly how you feel. maybe you could find comfort in the fact that you are valuable just the way you are and you don’t need to perform or reach an impossible standard to be loved. unconditional love is just that, you don’t need to meet any conditions to qualify. Please accept my little bit of love for you even if you can’t find it any where else in your life.

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