I’ve never had anybody before.

Hi, i’m 15, I’m a girl, and I’ve been through hell. I’m a sophomore, and I know what its like to lose everyone you’ve ever had. My mom had me at 16, and starting at three years old, my mom was dating around a lot, got hip on drugs and alcohol. Both of my parents were VERY bad alcoholics. My mom was dating this guy that beat her, and made me watch, then my sister was born, I was three, taking care of a baby my mom couldn’t take care of.. We got evicted and lived in a car for a week when i was four, then she gave me to my dad. My dad never wanted me in the first place, so he ignored my needs and neglected me, when i was 7 years old, he came into my room, and touched my chest area, we lived with my grandparents, but they were out of town, then when i was 8, his friend was over, and he dragged me out of my bed and threw me on the ground, and hit me, and my dad watched. starting at 10 i was bullied, i got beat up by boys all the time. My dad went to jail when i was in the 4th grade, and wrote me letters saying he’d change and we’d be closer. But that never happened. and then, in the fifth grade, i had ONE friend that I told EVERYTHING to, and she told the whole school, i lost everybody, physically, i have parents, mentally and emotionally, i have nobody. When i lost everyone in the fifth grade, i began to cut myself, bad. Thoughts always rushed through my head, I saw a counselor at school, but it never worked. In the 6th grade I was still cutting, but I got bullied even worse, I got followed home from school by guys because i always walked home, and they harrassed me, sexually. I never told anybody because no one would listen, and I didn’t have anybody. Then one day, I came home from school, and everyone was gone, I tried to kill myself, but I just didn’t have to courage to take my own life. In the seventh grade, everyone knew about my whole life because of the girl back in the fifth grade, I was judged.. I was called a suicidal whore, daddy’s little slut.. everything in the book.. I was still cutting, and everyday I was crying at school, crying at home, and crying all the time. I was still cutting. My family never knew about this. In the 8th grade, things got better, although I was still crying at home, I pulled myself up, and came to school smiling, I had friends, and I was strong, I NEVER let anyone put me down, or push me around, though I was still cutting because I couldn’t let things go in my past. I still had no parents that cared.. I told my dad about my cutting, and he did nothing, I told my grandma, and she kicked me out. Then January 3rd, 2011 my dad went back to jail, he wrote me a letter saying we’d be closer, and things would get better, but it didn’t nothing changed. I got kicked out again, and stayed at a friends for a month. He got out, and nothing changed like he said it would. He’s a liar, and he’ll never change. Then, I realized that, and I swallowed a bunch of pills, but the next day, I woke up. I hated myself, more than anything. Last year as a freshman, I met this kid named Joey, and i liked him so much but things didn’t work out, he used me, he was my first kiss and he played me over and over again, and I let it happen because I was so stupid. The last time I cut myself was last year, I almost died from it, so I stopped. But then later in the year, tried to kill myself, because my dad started hitting me, and he tried to have sex with this 14 year old girl. But I lived again, I got into a domestic violence group, and stopped everything, but I did start drinking and smoking.. I met this kid tyler, and we’ve been together almost 4 months, but on and off for 8 months. I can honestly say that I do love him. I accept the fact that my parents will never fully want to be in my life, but the last time I tried to kill myself was the summer before my sophomore year (this year) because in June I was sexually assaulted by a kid that goes to my school, I snorted pills, and lived. Then I realized, I was put in the life, because I CAN handle it, I know I’m strong, and I know I have a purpose. I’m a virgin, and I plan to stay that way until I KNOW when I’m ready. My life is nothing I can’t handle. I’ve been through a lot, and I’m still standing here with a smile on my face. I do break down sometimes, but I know that everything will be okay. I look at my scars, and i’m ashamed that my life led to what i was doing to myself. But I’m happy I was able to over come it, I’m on anti-depressants and I am feeling so much better.. I’ve saved a life, a friend of mine tried to kill herself, so I called 911, and I’m  ALWAYS there for people in need.. But today I just broke down today and had to let my feelings out somewhere. Thank you, for listening.