The shooting today.. 20 kids dead… 6 adults it brought up so many memories, that may have even no relation.
First the shock that someone can hurt kids so innocent.. then i remember my past 2 people hurt me.. when i was so young.. to innocent to protect myself. At their entire control, my life was basically in there hands…
Then i thought of how these kids would suffer 5-10 years from now. Like i do today, the symptoms of my PTSD have cause severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, psudo siezures, multiple persanality disorder, and bipolar. I agree some of these may not have been a direct result, but alot of this was induced by my past.
My next thought when they said “the parents hope their kids are young enought to forget” HOW CAN YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Its just not possible i tried to, and eventually after years of suppressing the memories i broke, i cracked under the pressure. 6th grade i lost control, what little control i had. I had evaded telling anyone about when i was raped, cause my grandma told me “to keep it a secret”
Then the gun, a few year back i was in a shooting in a port orchard walmart in washington state, being rushed to the back of the store, hearing the gunshots ring out. I didnt see it but the noise, its not somthing you forget. When i was raped i was yelled at… a lot to keep quiet.. then the gun shots they didnt help. Getting yelled at can send me into a panic attack or even a seizure.
So then i started thinking about my faimaly.. the side that abandoned me after i told on my brother. After we went to court and i won they wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt like i knife. I wanted to die, i wasnt lieing so why was i STILL getting punished. Growing up learning to “tell the truth” it will get better, and the oppisate happens. It just doesnt sit right in your mind. So i looked up my brothers on facebook, and looked through his photos.
I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE GRADUATED!! i didnt know, i watchedÂ a video last time i shall him he was learning to play guitar, when i watched the video he was doing an acousitic to far from home by five star death punch. He’s so good.. and i never knew. I read his status, learning about him, learning about my brother. MY OWN BLOOD.
Then i looked up my mom, the one i have a restraining order on… for abusing and neglecting me… i shall my youngest brother photo. I’ve only me him once. He was 2 maybe 3. He’s six now. I bet he doesnt even remember me and the faimaly never talks about me and if they do he probally thinks im “evil.. ” and nothing will change his mind.
I wanna cut, i wanna die. I feel this overwelming feeling of greif, sadness despair and i dont know how to get rid of it. My head cant wrap around any of this. And i know its selfish.. that this shooting has caused so many emotions and that im upset.
Its just anything, any death, it gets me thinking. Why couldnt it be me.. i dont wanna live. I wish i was never born. This feeling of sadness is not worth my life.
Nothing makes sense anymore, since i found out santas not real, wishes dont come true, fairy tails dont exsist, and memories are the things you just have to miss.
Everyone complains about how they “hate” their brother and sisters, imagin knowing you have 3 brothers. And not being able to talk to any of them. To watch from afar. To IMAGIN arugments you may have. And wishing the last time you shall them. You hugged them just a little bit tighter and never let go.
Yes im mad at my older brother for taking advantage of me, but loosing my faimaly, loosing everything i’ve ever known just is just to hard to bear, with all these feelings. I wanna be able to talk about this with my 2nd oldest brother…. be able to hug my youngest. And maybe figure out a way to repair the one with the oldest. All i have , is the last faimaly photo. From when i was in 5th possibly 6th grade before i told. And honestly I miss those days.
What if i hadnt told, maybe my PTSD would have never become so strong.. i could maybe really have forgotten about it. I maybe could have still had my faimaly. But thats all over now.. just a memory in a dream. That you wake up wishing you could exspirence for a few more minutes but its gone. Just like my life soon will be.