The shooting today.. 20 kids dead… 6 adults it brought up so many memories, that may have even no relation.
First the shock that someone can hurt kids so innocent.. then i remember my past 2 people hurt me.. when i was so young.. to innocent to protect myself. At their entire control, my life was basically in there hands…
Then i thought of how these kids would suffer 5-10 years from now. Like i do today, the symptoms of my PTSD have cause severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, psudo siezures, multiple persanality disorder, and bipolar. I agree some of these may not have been a direct result, but alot of this was induced by my past.
My next thought when they said “the parents hope their kids are young enought to forget” HOW CAN YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Its just not possible i tried to, and eventually after years of suppressing the memories i broke, i cracked under the pressure. 6th grade i lost control, what little control i had. I had evaded telling anyone about when i was raped, cause my grandma told me “to keep it a secret”
Then the gun, a few year back i was in a shooting in a port orchard walmart in washington state, being rushed to the back of the store, hearing the gunshots ring out. I didnt see it but the noise, its not somthing you forget. When i was raped i was yelled at… a lot to keep quiet.. then the gun shots they didnt help. Getting yelled at can send me into a panic attack or even a seizure.
So then i started thinking about my faimaly.. the side that abandoned me after i told on my brother. After we went to court and i won they wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt like i knife. I wanted to die, i wasnt lieing so why was i STILL getting punished. Growing up learning to “tell the truth” it will get better, and the oppisate happens. It just doesnt sit right in your mind. So i looked up my brothers on facebook, and looked through his photos.
I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE GRADUATED!! i didnt know, i watchedÂ a video last time i shall him he was learning to play guitar, when i watched the video he was doing an acousitic to far from home by five star death punch. He’s so good.. and i never knew. I read his status, learning about him, learning about my brother. MY OWN BLOOD.
Then i looked up my mom, the one i have a restraining order on… for abusing and neglecting me… i shall my youngest brother photo. I’ve only me him once. He was 2 maybe 3. He’s six now. I bet he doesnt even remember me and the faimaly never talks about me and if they do he probally thinks im “evil.. ” and nothing will change his mind.
I wanna cut, i wanna die. I feel this overwelming feeling of greif, sadness despair and i dont know how to get rid of it. My head cant wrap around any of this. And i know its selfish.. that this shooting has caused so many emotions and that im upset.
Its just anything, any death, it gets me thinking. Why couldnt it be me.. i dont wanna live. I wish i was never born. This feeling of sadness is not worth my life.
Nothing makes sense anymore, since i found out santas not real, wishes dont come true, fairy tails dont exsist, and memories are the things you just have to miss.
Everyone complains about how they “hate” their brother and sisters, imagin knowing you have 3 brothers. And not being able to talk to any of them. To watch from afar. To IMAGIN arugments you may have. And wishing the last time you shall them. You hugged them just a little bit tighter and never let go.
Yes im mad at my older brother for taking advantage of me, but loosing my faimaly, loosing everything i’ve ever known just is just to hard to bear, with all these feelings. I wanna be able to talk about this with my 2nd oldest brother…. be able to hug my youngest. And maybe figure out a way to repair the one with the oldest. All i have , is the last faimaly photo. From when i was in 5th possibly 6th grade before i told. And honestly I miss those days.
What if i hadnt told, maybe my PTSD would have never become so strong.. i could maybe really have forgotten about it. I maybe could have still had my faimaly. But thats all over now.. just a memory in a dream. That you wake up wishing you could exspirence for a few more minutes but its gone. Just like my life soon will be.
Can you forgive them?
They’ve hurt you but they aren’t a part of your life anymore. They can’t hurt you anymore then they already have, the only hold they still have on you is your own resentment.
If you destroy yourself, they’ve won. Live in spite of them, and I don’t just mean “have a pulse”, I mean really live.
Throw yourself into something. Community service or maybe some artistic hobby. Start dating.
But whatever you do, you need to forget them, and you can’t do that until you find it in you to forgive them.
Religion can be a great help in this. Its easy to give someone beyond contempt a pass when you feel pretty sure they’ll eventually burn forever without any need for input on your part.
It sounds like absolute hell. And you’re right that it’s the people that are supposed to be in our corner (family? friends?) who really could make a difference if they wanted to. And we can only do so much, and only humiliate ourselves so much, and then we say Enough.
I guess the hope is to somehow create our own families that are healthier that we have more of a choice about. The question is how to find ourselves with people truly in our corner.
I realize, as I write to you, that I am enraged at people in my life, or people who formerly were in my life.
Perhaps the old adage about suicide (depression) reflecting anger turned inward is at least a partial explanation. Maybe for some of us. I find myself bristling when people write on here that WE are the solution (problem), that it’s so irrational/wrong to be disgusted and completely betrayed by other humans.
Then I look at that school shooting and Oh my God that isn’t any way to deal with the repressed rage, either.
CidRoman i dont like that fact. I dont want my brother or grandpa to “die” like that they gave up to a dirty desire.. but isnt my cutting, the planing of my own death just as bad. I just cant believe that someone could go to hell.. no questions asked no way to ever redeem yourself. I know many people would say otherwise, it may be my own kindness, or the fact their faimaly.. but i cant imagin the kind of death. thats why religion just doesnt work for me.. how if your not perfect.. you can never get a second chance..
Catch the bus, thanks i know what you mean… and this may be the fact that im suicidal that i dont have much to say besides thanks. I wanna look on the bright side.. but when you have the dark closing in on you .. supressing your movements its kinda hard to fight.. even thought im on here now cause i wanna fight.. i dont know just conclude it to the fact im probally insane.
You’re almost feeling like you’ve run out of words, huh? You don’t have to look on the bright side. Not right now. And I say that not to imply that things will be rosy with time, but rather because none of us truly knows what will be in the future. We can predict, and that prediction can be really grim, but we can’t know in advance.
I feel for you and know what it’s like to hurt so much and to feel the freedom to express so little. I hope you’ll keep writing on here.
i feel like my days are outnumbered.. that im slowly sinking, and no matter how much i scream they never hear. My bright red scars on my arms that ive given up on covering, the fact im finally telling my counsulur everytime i cut.. im begging someone to save me.. to help me.. i dont wanna give up but their own neglance to the problem is only worse.. when ever i dont want help… when i know it would be better to handle it on my own. The swarm me shoving their ideas down my throught. When i need them.. everyones gone, friends, faimaly, counslurs. Its almost funny.. its like their finally sick of me and want me to die..
Give ol’ Buddha a try then. According to him, this life IS hell. Our mistakes, cruelty to ourselves and others prolongs our stay.
Everyone has as long as they need to redeem themselves. You have no way of knowing how their guilt may gnaw at them even now. And if they’re really all just sociopaths then the cosmos still has its ways of delivering justice.
Dwelling on their crimes won’t help you move forward on your own journey, what I’m getting at.
I hear you. It’s like you’re screaming FIRE, wearing a flashing neon SUICIDE sign, and falling over in the street and they’re blind, deaf, and dumb.
In high school a friend hung herself (had brain damage, recovered, became very successful). Our group of friends had practically become so conditioned to her depressed and self-destructive behavior, that we nearly missed saving her life.
Are you angry? Can you get angry at these people?
im angry at them for not noticing but what can i do we are naturally incline to not see what we arnt ready for..and im almost like a broken mirror.. no use cutting your self trying to fix it… there just trying not to get hurt them selfs. And i guess i cant get angry.. i would hate for anyone else to feel like this
It sounds like you’ve had so much loss and fear. I’m so sorry you hurt this way. Interesting metaphor; they refuse to see so as to preserve themselves.
Are there people in your life who are stronger, who can touch the shards of glass, that we all have, and help you put it back together in the way that we all should help each other when we’re broken?
No my mom and dad like to pretend it never happened, if i bring it up im either sent to a counslur or thrown in a mental hospital. My Friends wont touch it with a ten feet pole, they used to be their but now im just asking for “attention” . so on, so forth
Ok. Denial-land for the parents, over-reaction, and the sense that friends are burning out. Shitty situation. My 2 cents is that I think if you could find someone outside your situation, like a real counselor who is on your side that you want to see (just as an example). It sounds like you and the people in your life are so entangled in this dance that an outside party who could relate to you afresh might be the ticket.
Nobody at school is going to want to think about anything real. They tell themselves that you seek attention rather than help so that they can have a clear conscience.
Wow you really have been through much crap. Truth this, there will always be someone who loves you and cares for you out there, people who have been through horrible experiences tend to be wise and caring, or the exact opposite.