So many countless times I have thought about killing myself.I wrote suicide letters after everytime I think about it. I have attempted it a couple of times but then I chicken out. I’m scared of death. I don’t know what Is going to happen to me. I wish I could be dead for a couple of seconds then come Back to see what death is and if I’m able to see things again. Will I see eternal darkness, will I be stuck in a happy dream? Or will I be reincarnated as someone or something else?
I used to think that being scared of death right now is a good thing because then, there is a guarantee that I will never kill myself. But then I realized that Im just going to be stuck here on this Earth existing. I won’t ever live my life normally. I’m going to be like this forever and I have to accept it.
I patiently waited eleven years for things to get better but I’m so tired and I just stopped caring. Not about everything but I stopped caring about myself.
Why bother eating right and taking care of myself? I’m always going to be ugly. Not just physically but on the inside. My heart and soul are ugly. Why be in a relationship, I’m just going to screw exerything up and hurt the other person. I’m not grateful for anything, I’m so weak. So many people out there are going through worse things right now and I can’t be strong and be happy no matter what.
I have no motivation to live. To exist maybe but not to live. No friends to help me get through a day, a fragile mom that I hurt so many time from being my pathetic self.
I don’t have the desire to have a family, get a job and go to college. I want to just stay in my room for the rest of my life.
I’ll get through my life without being in a relationship. Do I want to do that? No. Do I have to? Yes. Who would date such a messed up and damaged person? And it’s not like I can outpower that with talent and personality. I have NOTHING I’m good at and my personality is terrible.
I’ve talked to A LOT of counselors and I’ve been on medication but nothing is working.
How long will I be this way?
1 comment
Hi. It sounds to me like you’re stuck in the cycle of depression. If you want your life to improve, you have to set small goals for yourself and try your best to accomplish them. Maybe take a course in college that interests you or work on your resume, which will help you find a suitable job. If you don’t like your personality, you can always improve that as well. A little positivity will go a long way.