I feel like I have to pay the price of my mistakes with my life.

I had my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. I made a mistake by trusting him, loving him, thinking he really loved me. I introduced him to my mum, who was cool about it.
But then he tried to rape me. I got away, but it was too late, he already had taken pictures of me topless. I am not getting them back.
I did not know it right away, but one day, I thought erase my mistake, rub it off, get it over with, so I messaged him on MSN, telling him what would happen if anyone knew of that day. Then he used changed his display picture into my picture. Topless. Looking vulnerable. I was shocked. I almost fainted. I didn’t know what to do. He said he wasn’t afraid of anyone, he never was. And he had pictures of every girls he’d dated. So he was lying to me when he said he’d never had sex and would treat me with respect and love.

I blocked him. Never seen or talked to him since.

But now my life is over. I cannot make my dream come true by being an actress now because of the scandalous photos. I cannot become the people’s person now. I cannot be known or love now, because of my mistake. It haunts me. What would people know if they saw it? It was five years ago, but not a single day went by without me thinking about it. Never in five years’ time have I slept well nor felt relieved.
I know he put them on the internet. Sent to his friends. I want to die. I cannot live anymore. I don’t want my parents to know that their only daughter is a whore. I failed them. I failed everyone I’ve ever known and loved. I failed myself. He doesn’t even want anything, just want to show off his power over me. Over all of us.

I’ve made a mistake, but is it too much to ask for forgiveness and redemption from life? Do I have to pay the price with my life to satisfy the world?

Once it’s out, it’s out there forever. And if I have to live with it, I better make it quick. What’s the point of living in agony, knowing you cannot be loved anymore? What’s the point in living your life in fear, fear that someday your phone’s gonna ring, with someone saying ‘I found your picture’ or worse, an email or a message from my friends and people I know, saying they saw it, and how could I have done this to disappoint them? How can I ever face the world again?

I do not want to live. I’d rather die and face nothing rather than live my worthless life in pain.