my friend took his own life on march 18, 2013. he gambled with his own life as he spun the cylinder to his prized .45 revolver, looked dead into his best friend’s eyes and pulled the trigger… he had a 1 in 6 chance of death and he took that- he left no warnings before hand… i dont think he thought it would go off…  but it did… and now he’s gone…….. he thought he had no one but his best friend- and even then, he knew he was gonna move in with his girlfriend and Robert would be homeless and living in his mustang. but i wouldnt have let that happen…. having heard the gunshot  from my own living room 5 yards away, i wish i could have done more…… hours and hours of talks with him about this and he still didnt believe i cared…. but when you hang out with someone almost everyday.. your heart hurts when they take their own life and you practically saw it coming……………………. the night before he died, we were watching a movie- the headless horseman.. he usually talks during movies so it was weird that he wasnt talking much that night….. after insisting he was fine and saying he didnt want to talk about it, i dropped the subject and walked over to the other couch where he was sitting, laid down, and he wrapped his arms around me and cuddled with me… i fell asleep in his arms that night………………. i fell asleep…. how could i sleep when my friend is hours away from death…………. i fell asleep………… now i want to sleep and never wake up…… i dont deserve to wake up………… i want another chance…….. i want him back!!!!
Since he left, I haven’t had
A single pleasant dream.
I’ve never faked survival but
a real smile’s hard to keep.
How could such a generous soul
Feel such unbarable pain?
His blunt and fearful cries for help,
Yet how slow a fade..
A man who spent his days
Bringing joy to broken hearts,
Thought no one could help him-
He couldn’t fix this part….
This greif, these tears, this heartache-
My sadness is his own.
the loss of his father
took his very last shreads of hope.
Now Robert shares that pain,
With everyone who knew
His humor, love, laugh- and NOW
We finally see the clues-
He tried more than he shouldve
to help ev’ryone else
But never got around
To fixing his own self.
After all is said and done,
And the music slowly fades,
The heartache imitates it
As I take it day by day.
My guards are finally up,
but they’re made of flimsy metal,
shattered: love, Innocence, pride,
trust, and joy, and laughter.
Looking for my purpose,
Only leaves me lost-
Trying to find or give or DO something
thats worth the hurt the cost!
Now that I’ve rambled on,
Of struggling with grief,
I pray ‘Twas worth your time,
Those of you still reading.
Robert left a world
Who never knew enough
Of his soft eyes, friendly smile,
And caring gentle touch.
The devil took the life,
Of one with more to give.
No matter how he felt or thought
He deserved to live.
10 comments
I’m sorry for your loss.
thats what they all say
They all say it because it’s the only thing you really can say. What you are going through sucks. Some of us have experienced it and some haven’t, but we all are sorry and wouldn’t wish it on our worst enemy.
So I too am sorry for your loss 🙂
I hope you don’t take too much offense to this post, but maybe it’ll be a breath of fresh air.
I am not sorry for your loss! He was in pain on this earth and he chose his exit! I envy him for his fortitude and the fact that he chose when and how to go. Not very many people escape this miserable planet how they want. This society will beat you down and then, when you’re down, it will eat you alive. There is no mercy!
I am not going to say he is in a better place because I am an atheist, and heaven does not make sense to me. It’s a comforting thought, but it’s simply not true.
The only solace I can offer is that he is no longer experiencing the excruciating pain of living. I wish you the best. Although tragic, many people have had your experience, and I’m sure you’ll get through it. It is therapeutic to talk about it. Don’t forget your friend and keep on living, sister. The pain you feel now will get better with time.
Well I’m a Christian so im dealing with it in a different way. My grief is more guilt then anything I think… I just really think all these people need to know that it doesn’t matter who you are or how many friends you have or any of that cuz Robert felt like he had nothing. He had issues with his brothers and he never left the house so the only friends he had were me and his two roomates. He’d never worked cuz he lived off his dads inheritance. He even said himself he’s just “on of those people that will never contribute to society” “I’m just too stupid for school and I’m lazy as f***”…… But his funeral was packed- more than half the people there had to stand cuz there weren’t enough chairs…. He never expected any of that… He said to me that in a few years i’d just forget him and no he made that impossible…. I justbthink it’s important for people to know that no matter who you are, how pretty or ugly, tall or short, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, funny or serious, light or dark, gay or straight, happy or suicidal you are, your death will affect a lot more people than you think and to go and end your own life cuz you can’t cope just pushes that pain onto your loved ones- no one should wish that burden in any one
I’m not trying to be an ass…
So you think he should have continued on in pain for others? I don’t buy it. I think that if you are in that much pain, you are already affecting those around you. Suicide is a way out of that pain. There are other, more constructive ways of dealing with it. But we as a society have failed in terms of mental health. There are almost no other options out there!
I do appreciate you sharing though. He must have been a good person for all those people to care.
You know why we disagree here? Cuz I’m a Christian and youre an atheist. I believe there’s hope to live a better life here on earth. You believe if life is too hard just put yourself out of misery- because there is no hope in your eyes. But I find reason to live every day- and most days thats a miracle in and of itself. I’m not looking to get reported I’m just pointing out why we’re disagreeing
And yes he was- he was really selfless and probably the funniest guy you’ll ever meet
Ah, we are not so different. Christian, Atheist, these are just labels — we are human, first and foremost. I don’t have hope because I am human and I see what this world is about. Greed.
I think this life IS beautiful. I see the trees, the cosmos, and my mind is in awe at the evolution of it all. But sometimes, you reach a point of hopeless despair. This society is geared not to care. And for that I fault society!
I lost my hope when I opened my eyes to the world, NOT because I am an Atheist.
They may just be labels but the difference lies in how we cope and get through the hopelessness. I agree, this world is corrupt. Anyone would feel hopeless when they step back and see the world as it is. But when a Christian sees that, it make them grasp onto the one thing that has ever given them a REAL sense of peace and comfort that nothing else will ever bring them.
And it’s not the Christian that deserves the credit for finding that comfort and strength- it’s God that they point to. There are many people out there that call themselves Christian and that’s the only thing that makes them different from the rest and that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Yes, we’re all humans and we all suffer and we all see and feel the despair of the world… But when a person follows after God, not even worst tragedy could ever make them lose hope- cuz they’re strength isn’t their own- it’s God’s… I was an atheist once- and I’ve never felt so alone as I did when I wasn’t following God…….. Now I really don’t want to get kicked but all I’m saying is that God’s there, he just reveals himself to the people who trust him.. So my hope comes from the only thing that can give me hope- and that’s God