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i feel alone

by aidan-sage

Im not gonna try to post something extremely witty and dark and intellectual and poetic.. i just cant sleep again and im hoping that posting this will clear my mind and i could get some advice from people who possibly feel the same way as me. I could list every terrible thing thats ever happened to me and all the times ive tried to kill myself and all the addictions ive had but thatd take too long and im tired and lazy. So basically, im depressed, im bipolar, im insecure, im lonely, and i feel like nobody cares about me apart from my immediate family. Also i have very bad abandonment issues which makes dating hard and it makes me feel like im an annoyance to my dad because he left me before.. I feel like im overweight even though im underweight. I think about getting a boob job, extensions, a butt lift, lipo, and other surgeries and things that would enhance my appearence almost every minute and at least once an hour id say. I try not to let people know im insecure. I think my dad doesnt love me as much because im bisexual and not christian. I feel my mom would love me more if i wasnt so different. Really small things can make me burst into tears. Im not a hormonal teenager either and i dont get angry really im only ever happy sad or meloncholy. I dont have friends anymore since i moved. I had lots of friends back home but they forgot about me. I had a few a couple months ago but they turned against me. People at my school would always talk about me. They made fun of when i used to cut, my depression, how im suicidal, my piercings, my colorful ever changing hair, and the fact that im an outcast. At the end of the year i didnt have one friend there so im going to my fourth highschool next year. I dont think anybody could love me truly. When i look in the mirror i feel ugly even though a lot of peoplee say im pretty. I feel unappreciative for the things i have. Im not so much suicidal anymore as i really just want to know how to fix these problems and be happy. What should i do


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78hundred 6/10/2013 - 7:11 am

Something that has helped me is long-term psychotherapy sessions aimed at talking through the serious issues.

I found it better than talking with psychiatrists and psychologists, who were more focused on medications and specific CBT challenging tasks.

But all psychotherapists are private practice and can cost a great deal of money. This is certainly true in Australia.

Not sure if that is of much help, but talk-based psychotherapy might be an option, if you haven’t tried it already and can afford it.

aidan-sage 6/10/2013 - 7:19 am

Thank you but ive tried that and i cant afford it and it really just makes me more depressed. I dont understand why.

clevername 6/10/2013 - 7:44 am

Anytime anyone asks for solutions, we should probably automatically rule out anything that costs “a great deal of money.”

We need accessible and effective solutions. But they don’t exist!

That’s why talking to shrinks makes you more depressed. They help you realize you can’t fix what’s wrong, while enticing you into constant thoughts about it (because you feel like you’re trying to figure things out).

You’re just going to feel bad about things, sometimes. Maybe lots of things. Maybe most of the time.

But even when life sucks ass, there are still things worth doing, and worth being here for. I know, it sure as hell doesn’t seem “worth it,” so much of the time… but there will be moments where you’ll think “man, i’m glad i’m here for this moment. This is a good moment.”

clevername 6/10/2013 - 7:47 am

Oh, and, DO NOT get any sort of elective surgery to alter your appearance. All you need to do is eat right and exercise correctly, and you will be fine (as far as looks go).

IMO, boob jobs and “tucks” make a girl less attractive, both inside and out.

forsaken1 6/10/2013 - 8:07 am

I agree with clever, if you have an image of yourself stuck in your head even if you do get the surgerys people often still have the same mental image stuck in there heads. Only you can can change the way you perceive yourself.

But smile 🙂 your beautiful !!

aidan-sage 6/10/2013 - 8:12 am

Thanks for your help guys. I guess my problems are really something i have to help myself with though..

Innocence Lost 6/14/2013 - 3:53 am

I agree with exercise! It’s really what keeps me going, and to be frank, basically cured my depression. I probably don’t sound that depressed right now. I’m not. I was. Very. Not anymore. So, you can recover (yay). But, more than that, we all struggle, it is part of the human condition. There’s a class I’m taking right now where we’re learning about varying views of mental illness throughout history (very interesting btw), and one of the main posits that we’re dealing with now that I really like deals with cultural construction: Mental illness is defined by what society thinks “normal” should be. In ancient times, seeing things indicated possession by daemons or gods. Then it was thought to be biological. Then Freud came along and said…eh…think it’s cognitive. And now we’re adding the role of the environment into that. Point is, the human species wasn’t born yesterday. Odd as it sounds, we actually need people who are mentally ill. They serve a purpose. Example. In your hunter gatherer society, a lightning strike ignites a tree and threatens the village. Who’s going to be the one who says “GUYS! I SMELL SMOKE!!!!!!!” probably the anxious one who’s constantly observing everything around them. Suffering gives us knowledge. It tells us that the stove is hot and that we shouldn’t touch it. It guides us towards higher pursuits and altruistic ends. Sometimes, such suffering becomes excessive and we cannot cope. Or, we think we can’t. But, we can.

I’m gay. I’ve been out for several years now, so the novelty has worn off at this point. I’m insecure too. We all have faults. It doesn’t make you less of a person, even if bitter and small minded people may tell you so. It is simply part of being human. Some people experience emotions more intensely/differently than others. I’ve had two nasal surgeries to make my nose smaller. Neither really helped that much. It matters more what is inside of you than what is outside, anyway. Even if it’s cliché. Your image of yourself, within reason, will not change with surgery. Mine didn’t. It changes based on how we view ourselves in general.

Okay, so, some increased happiness tips I practice (feel free to ignore or try):

(1) Exercise. Basically free self medicine. Look up the benefits of exercise on the brain. It’s a bit astounding actually. I’m not going to list them because they mainly sound too good to be true, but…I mean…I run regularly, and I absolutely love it!

(2) Meditate. Mindful meditation lowers blood pressure and is associated with an increase in serotonin and positive moods, with concurrent reduction in depressive symptoms.

And you don’t need a psychologist for either. Also, try and find a hobby. Cooking, boating, skiing, bowling, tv, movies, reading, writing, poetry, art, dance, singing, blogging. Whatever you want. But find something you can be passionate about and drill down into it. Good luck.


MichelleJ 6/15/2013 - 12:28 am

Shrinks don’t actually work. They pretend to care but they don’t. You have to be lucky if you have even one doctor let alone a shrink, who genuinely cares for your life enough to want to help you somehow. I hate counsellors because all they do is mechanically go through mental processes without actually doing anything for you. It’s like when I ask a question, I want advice, not feedback. I hope you do find a professional who really wants to be of help! They’re few and far between, just a warning. But if you don’t find a health professional, then I hope you find another option that will work, like going for a walk every day, going out with a person who you enjoy company with etc.

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