Stuck in the Past.. (I’m back)

 

Is it normal… to look in the mirror and not see yourself in the reflection?

Having been so caught up in everyone’s “expectation” of you. To have completely lost yourself trying to be what everyone else wanted you to be?

Every night you dream of this life, you could NEVER have, but every day you long for it.

You have all these hopes… dreams… ideas… that you want to fulfill but just not enough time to do so.

Then you go to sleep… still having yet to achieve anything extraordinary in your life, waking up in the morning realizing your one day closer to dying.

It kills you on the inside, but you don’t know how to change it.

You envy the girl who can speak up and express how she feels and people actually support it. You envy the fact she can tell people how she feels while you have to cry alone in your room, and then plaster a fake smile on your face in the morning.

Ever since you were little you’ve had to rely on pills to make you happy.

You hate to take them but without them the darkness starts to pull you down again.

Staying up night after night jumping at every noise you hear because you’re PTSD won’t let you relax. You watch everything, everyone around you for the slightest sign. You plan ways to escape every room you enter.  

Because that’s the only way you can get by in your day to day life.

The night terrifies you and you always run away from it. But you can never seem to outrun it. The one trigger you can never truly escape.

So every night you fight to get some rest only to be greeted by nightmares if you succeed.

You live in a world where you can’t always tell what’s real.

Exhausted because you can never feel safe.

You wish you could truly express yourself to people. But you fear being judged, you can’t stand to be alone again.

You’ve spent so many years trying to get people to like you.

You hate hiding things… lying to people. It makes it harder to explain …

Like why there’s scars on your arms.

Why you wear winter cloths in the summer.

You can’t tell people how hard every day is. How a little comment they say can send you plummeting.

Whether they meant it or not, you can’t handle REAL life.

People wonder why you seem “out of it”

Girls my age day dream about boys, yet here I am day dreaming about dying.

You have so many intricate ways you’ve thought about killing yourself.

But you can’t tell anyone because you can’t stand being rejected. No matter what you can’t ask for help.  

Some nights you’ll debate in your head if the past is real or something you made up like all the adults said. I was only five or so when it began… what if it really was “ALL IN MY HEAD”

It tears you apart so many people have called you a lair you’ve even stopped believing yourself.

You don’t know who you are anymore. What you want anymore.

You know what you used to want. But it all seems lost now, you’re not even sure if you could achieve something so grand.

You’re always compared to how great everyone else is compared to you… your self-esteem drops.

Then it seems you find something that makes you happy.

You start to rebuild your self-esteem and begin to make amends with your past.

Your friends say “You look so happy” They’ve finally come back again.

You have motivation.

You want to shower.

Do your hair.

Put on makeup.

You care how you look again.

You pay attention to school.

But then just as suddenly as it came, your happiness is snatched away.

The darkness pools in.

The nightmares are back.

You put up your walls.

And once again.

You brace for an attack.

You despise your body.

You’re fat.

Every flaw you have is thrown in your face.

And if you can see it doesn’t that mean everyone else does to?

So you stop eating.

And you stop leaving the house unless you have to.

You spend every second of your day trying to mold yourself into something worthy of being seen.

Your friends all start to fade away like they always do.

All your friends disappear.

And once again the fears creep in.

The nightmares become worse.

You can’t sleep at night.

You jump at anything.

You’re constantly in fear of your life.

You plan ways on how to die.

But to everyone else they don’t understand what it’s like to be constantly afraid.

So they talk behind your back “It’s for attention”

Not even your parents understand they tell you to “get over yourself”

That other people “have it worse”

But does it really matter…

Are you other people?

And this time everyone completely abandons you.

You’re falling.

Deeper then you’ve ever fallen.

An anchor tied to your foot.

Once you’ve think you’ve hit the bottom, that you can’t go any lower than this.

You’ve fall deeper.

You’re drowning.

You just wish you could express yourself. That someone would truly listen and not judge you.

Someone who would never leave, no matter how bad it got..

But you feared so much that if you opened up that you’d get hurt. You threw away the key.

All you wanted to do was put the pieces of the puzzle back together.

To finally understand your past.

To finally solve the puzzle, once and for last.

Cause your 15 years old and no one should be stuck in the past.