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Tedium.

by Feeblefish

This isn’t really something I usually do, I’m more of the “bottle it up” kind of guy, but I really need to get this out and Google led me here as an appropriate place to do so. It’s up to you if you want to read all this, but at least if you do, I have some validation of my efforts. Which I imagine would be nice.

Well… here goes.

I should be happy or satisfied enough really, shouldn’t I?

I mean, I did life right. I left school, got a steady dead end job and got myself a place to live independently. In this tough economic climate, that’s a real fucking achievement apparently. Or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me. But I can’t seem to gain any joy or even a modicum of satisfaction from it all. It all feels so sodding pointless.

I am waiting to die. That is the reality of it all. All of my achievements are worthless because I don’t care about them and nobody will remember them. Not that I really care about what others think or feel about me at this point. I’ve only met two people in my entire life who I could truly relate to and both died.

I’ve had relationships and a fair bit of meaningless sex, though I’ve never truly loved another person. This rather tragically includes my family. My parents are “there” I guess, but we don’t really see each other all that often since I moved out of my Mum’s house. I just could never emotionally attach to them, even as a child. I guess it didn’t help that they spent the majority of my youth arguing. The end result is I’m in a self perpetuating cycle of loneliness and recessiveness. I want someone to talk to and to be around but I hide away because it’s easier. I’m no good in social situations and I’m often ignored. This is partly because I try not to go outside and largely because my mind is a frazzled dick-shaft of a mess and that anything that comes out of my mouth is usually so cringe inducingly stupid or inappropriate that I just make everyone feel either nervous or awkward.

I escape reality through drink and books, though I can’t drink enough to achieve alcoholism due to crippling, anxiety related stomach pains. I’m on a pharmacy’s worth of medication as it is.

It’s just all so fucking tedious. Plain and simple. We waste the best years of our lives in education and work. It’s not worth it. The only thing keeping me going these last few years was a fear of “what comes next”.
Maybe it’d be easier if it was some kind of pact where I wouldn’t be alone but I don’t think that happens outside of comics and movies.

I think I’m ready to cross the line now though.

If you took the time read all of this, thank you for doing so. I can only apologize for taking up your precious time.

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13 comments

life_isnt_for_me 1/31/2014 - 9:09 pm

Lots of times people don’t understand their purpose ….I don’t understand my purpose but when I think of what comes next I usually think ..” Who could change my life for the better?” if you don’t feel like you accomplished something then go try find something.try live. Just try I guess

TheHours 1/31/2014 - 10:15 pm

Feeblefish: Though our lives aren’t exactly the same, I totally get what you’re saying. I’m a drinker and though I do read some books, I’m a tv watcher. Anything to distract will do. Obviously, we’ve both come here because that shit just isn’t working anymore.

I was on FB and saw a picture of my cousin posted. She said “people love me” because she woke up and saw a couple of loved one’s scraping snow off her car so she could get to work. I started to cry because I realize I have no one who cares that much about me to do something so simple and kind for me.

I drive myself crazy because I cannot fucking fix this.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

Feeblefish 2/1/2014 - 10:21 am

No, thank YOU for taking the time to read and taking the time to reply.

I think (at the risk of sounding presumptuous) that I totally get where you’re coming from. I see friends in the exact same position as me and they always seem so carefree. So why is it that I cannot get in the same mindset? What am I doing differently? It makes me feel like an arsehole because I’m begrudging them for their well being. I don’t want to be like that anymore.

TheHours 2/1/2014 - 5:31 pm

Hello.

Glad to see you replied. I slept until 1:30 pm. I guess sleeping is one of my other escapes. Of course that was after a bunch of wine and a 10mg of Ambien.

Did I mention I’m still in bed? ๐Ÿ™‚

I struggle everyday with “why can’t you just snap out of it?!” I mean, my mind is MY mind and I control it, right? “Just be happy”. I try. I really do. I’ve done therapy, meds, groups, EMDR, I’ve forced myself to participate in activities, but it doesn’t “stick”, you know?

I’ll admit there are times when I feel like I’m in a good mood or I find something interesting or funny, but it doesn’t last. I really feel lonely often.

I bet if you met me you’d think I was okay, but inside I am empty. Do you know what I mean? Do you feel that way too?

Like I said before, we’re here (one this website) because what we’re doing isn’t work. Maybe we’re here because we want to be better. Maybe we’re here because we’re looking for hope.

I’ll tell you, it’s nice to feel like there is someone else out there, thousands of miles from me, who may understand my pain.

Feeblefish 2/2/2014 - 7:56 am

TheHours, it would be patronising and presumptuous of me to say that I know how you feel but I can certainly relate. Sleep is like a sanctuary for me. When in this unconscious state I don’t have to deal with the drudgery of it all. Though if must say I’m not to savvy with ambien. I assume it is a drug. Is it an American thing? Is it like rohypnol?

I’m glad my words can bring you some comfort and rest assured the feeling is mutual. its nice to know you seem to understand my feelings. Makes me feel a bit less alone.

TheHours 2/3/2014 - 10:49 am

ff — Thank you for your post. It does give me comfort. It truly does.

Ambien is a prescribed sleeping pill. If I don’t fall right to sleep then I end up doing crazy stuff. Some people forget doing things while on Ambien, e.g., online shopping, driving, sex, etc.

Last night I took a sleeping pill and a valium (not supposed to). Surprisingly, I was able to get up just fine today. However it doesn’t make my mood feel better.

I’m at work right now. I logged on here because as soon as I sat down I started to cry. I feel especially weak when I cry in public and terrified I might be discovered crying. I need to suck this fucking boo-hooing up right now but I feel like I am losing control…and my mind.

I hear someone laughing up the hallway.
I want to be truly happy.
I want to laugh.

What am I saying? I will laugh – it’s all part of my “public me”. After I get these damn tears out of my eyes no one will be the wiser.

I hope you are doing okay.

TheHours 2/3/2014 - 10:58 am

(cont)

I forgot to ask.

You mentioned you lost the only two people you could relate to in your life.

What do you think makes it difficult for you to relate to others? or What characteristic did these two have that made it easy for you to relate to them?

I’m a seemingly friendly person however I feel like I cannot connect/relate with most people. Others think I am connecting with them – because I play the role – however I don’t want to be around most people.

Here comes the work crowd. Time to get into character….

Feeblefish 2/3/2014 - 11:45 am

Hey there TheHours. There’s a lot to process here so I’ll try to reply in segments.

First off I’m glad I could help if only a little. I too am taking comfort from your words and also your efforts to reply. Thank you.

Whilst Valium is avaliable on prescription here in the UK we don’t really have access to drugs like that. Largely because all medication is regulated by the NHS who despite this have me on a mixture of Lithum Chloride and harsh antacids. Go figure. The meds make me a careful yet pretty unbalanced mix of extremely calm and paranoid.

I too am at work. So I know what you’re going through. Especially the laughter, why can’t we have that? Why do they deserve it over us? Bastards. I cry all the time when people aren’t looking so don’t feel too bad about it.

My two best friends both died of natural causes. I can’t really put into words what it was that made them different. I guess trust? It’s like with them I don’t have to pretend, they would always accept me for me. They were there because they wanted to be.

I’m probably making no sense.

I hope the day gets better for you. Don’t let the bastards judge you and grind you down. They don’t have the right.

TheHours 2/3/2014 - 9:37 pm

ff

So, I stabbed someone today….

No, I’m kidding. But you have to admit that was a good opener. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hello. I am so glad to hear from you and for the record…your message made complete sense.

—-

Today was tough. I had a part-time co-worker in my office today so I had a constant distraction from my shitty feelings throughout the day; however each time I was alone in my office for an extended time I found myself crying. No one saw. I was relieved….but somehow I just wished someone there knew my pain.

Does that make sense or sound off?

I want to scream to the world “I am fucking sad!!! What is wrong with you people?! How can you be happy???” but I am also ashamed of my sadness so I am trying so hard to hide my emptiness.

How do you cope? How do you hide your pain/sadness/tears? I was pretty good at it before, but I think I can’t hold it back like I used to.

—-

I’m sorry about the loss of your two friends. I lost a friend two years (Aug 2011) to a car accident. I think her death sort of lit the fuse burning in me. I was a bomb waiting to explode. Around the two year anniversary of her death – coupled with a bunch of other shit – put me over the edge last August and I exploded (imploded?).

My therapist said to me last week “It seems like you need meaning in your life.” That line has been ringing in my head for a week.

“Meaning in my life…” Yes, I think she’s right.

I feel like I’m in a bizarre ‘Twilight Zone’ episode (not sure if you know that tv show) and I’m the normal one and everyone else is fucking crazy. I wonder why the fuck people are so concerned about the minutiae of everyday life and not what really matters. “Who fucking cares if someone signed a form in blue ink?! Fuck off and move on – there are people starving in the world.”

—-

I know you said you’re on meds that make you calm & paranoid. What’s your take on those medications? Have you tried others? Do you think you should try something else?

I’ve been on a few things. Currently, I have the extreme pleasure of partaking in a mid-morning Zoloft appetizer. I don’t know if it helps. I was on a higher dose previously and had awful side effects. I want to be off everything but I don’t know if that is reasonable. Zoloft gives me crazy-vivid dreams. Maybe it’s worth it since that’s my only excitement in life right now.

Not sure if this news made it to the UK, in Colorado, USA (where I live) we are the first state to legalize marijuana (as of 1 Jan). Pot is pretty much treated like alcohol here – it’s crazy, I know. However — I am in a job that won’t allow it regardless of the state law. I am finishing this job in July so I am considering it as my next alternative to these crazy pills I’m on now.

Hey, it’s from the Earth so it can’t be much worse than all the pharmaceuticals I’m taking now……………………..or suicide, right? Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

—–

ff, I want to thank you for taking the time to write me a motivating message while you were at work today. I appreciate it.

Also, I’m happy to know I am not alone in the Twilight Zone.

I hope you have a good day.

Feeblefish 2/4/2014 - 3:40 pm

Not going to lie, the opener left me a bit wide eyed at first until I realised you were joking. Well played and yes I have heard of the twilight zone, good series. I also recommend tales of the unexpected.

Meds are a funny thing over here. We don’t really get to choose our own due to NHS regulation. It means we don’t have to pay much (basic prescription is like ร‚ยฃ9) but only our doctors get to make the final decision. I have said to my GP that I don’t think they’re working but they seem to think that the very fact that I haven’t killed myself constitutes working pills. Go figure.

Weed is a funny one. It’s still illegal over here but what can you do. Hat be careful as I hear it can cause paranoid delusions. Not sure if true but just in case…

How do I hide my sadness? Good question. I think it’s a mixture of high doses of caffeine and a fucking ton of practise.

I get the wanting to scream and shout bit. I want to just shake them and shout “how can you live with this shit” right in their faces.

Yet I’ve made it through another day I guess. It’s all I can do.

I’m enjoying our correspance. At least I know I don’t suffer alone.

Stay well.

TheHours 2/5/2014 - 12:08 pm

Hi. I hope you are doing well. It was -5 degrees driving to work today. Too fn cold.

I never heard of Tales of the Unexpected. I’ll have to check it out. Thanks.

As for meds, I sort of have input. When I first started meds I had this “I think I’m God” general doctor who just threw Effexor at me and I had the worst side-effects. He took it personally that I couldn’t handle the effects – because my mental health is all about him (eye-roll). My next doctor (psychiatrist) asked a bunch of questions and recommended two. He told me the expected side-effects. Then I chose Zoloft.

I still can’t go in to any doctor and ask to be on just any drug without cause. I met a girl in group-therapy who is on 16 medications. She’s in her 30’s. wth?

Do you see a therapist? I do a couple of times a week. I think it’s crucial toward my treatment. I have no support system and like you said in your original post, I donรขโ‚ฌโ„ขt’ venture out and socialize much either. Seeing a therapist gives me the opportunity to get things out of my head without feeling like a complete nut-job. That’s why I appreciate our messaging back and forth.

Of course, my last message’s opening line may have made me sound crazy. That was my feeble attempt at humor. Obviously I need to work on it. Ha.

I don’t know if I’ll do the whole pot thing this summer. I’ve never smoked even a cigarette so my options with weed would be eating it. I hear that isn’t as an effective high as smoking it. Maybe when I finish this stupid job I’ll feel better and won’t be looking for another outlet.

Assuming you would want to be happy, fulfilled, etc. but if you could wave a wand and have your life the way you want it, what would you want it to be like? Where would you live? What would you be doing?

Sending you good vibes….

TheHours 2/5/2014 - 1:13 pm

(cont)

Funny thing. I just had a short training session at work and the girl teaching said “You must fill out this form in black ink because if you do it in blue you must redo the form”. I thought it was ironic because I used that as an example of stupid bullshit going on around me.

I have to get out of this fucking nightmare.
I feel like the guy in “Office Space” and I work at Initech.

Something’s gotta change.
Soon.

Hastur 4/26/2014 - 9:42 pm

I hope you guys keep talking. I read this post, your first comment, ff’s first response around when the ff’s first response was posted then bk marked the page and have been following the conversation since. Sorry for being so creepy, o^o :(.

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