This isn’t really something I usually do, I’m more of the “bottle it up” kind of guy, but I really need to get this out and Google led me here as an appropriate place to do so. It’s up to you if you want to read all this, but at least if you do, I have some validation of my efforts. Which I imagine would be nice.
Well… here goes.
I should be happy or satisfied enough really, shouldn’t I?
I mean, I did life right. I left school, got a steady dead end job and got myself a place to live independently. In this tough economic climate, that’s a real fucking achievement apparently. Or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me. But I can’t seem to gain any joy or even a modicum of satisfaction from it all. It all feels so sodding pointless.
I am waiting to die. That is the reality of it all. All of my achievements are worthless because I don’t care about them and nobody will remember them. Not that I really care about what others think or feel about me at this point. I’ve only met two people in my entire life who I could truly relate to and both died.
I’ve had relationships and a fair bit of meaningless sex, though I’ve never truly loved another person. This rather tragically includes my family. My parents are “there” I guess, but we don’t really see each other all that often since I moved out of my Mum’s house. I just could never emotionally attach to them, even as a child. I guess it didn’t help that they spent the majority of my youth arguing. The end result is I’m in a self perpetuating cycle of loneliness and recessiveness. I want someone to talk to and to be around but I hide away because it’s easier. I’m no good in social situations and I’m often ignored. This is partly because I try not to go outside and largely because my mind is a frazzled dick-shaft of a mess and that anything that comes out of my mouth is usually so cringe inducingly stupid or inappropriate that I just make everyone feel either nervous or awkward.
I escape reality through drink and books, though I can’t drink enough to achieve alcoholism due to crippling, anxiety related stomach pains. I’m on a pharmacy’s worth of medication as it is.
It’s just all so fucking tedious. Plain and simple. We waste the best years of our lives in education and work. It’s not worth it. The only thing keeping me going these last few years was a fear of “what comes next”.
Maybe it’d be easier if it was some kind of pact where I wouldn’t be alone but I don’t think that happens outside of comics and movies.
I think I’m ready to cross the line now though.
If you took the time read all of this, thank you for doing so. I can only apologize for taking up your precious time.