Hello, I’m a 20 year old guy currently living at home with his parents, going to school. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I’ve never been social.
But recently I’ve been getting closer and closer to suicide. I’m nearly failing school (again) and I’m one quarter away from getting kicked out of both my parent’s house and my school. Currently, my computer and my favorite TV show’s upcoming fifth season are the only things keeping me alive. But is it truly worth the pain? Just to watch some silly animated show’s fifth season, in return to months of endless suffering.
I have severe ADHD and on some days I find it impossible to focus at all, even revolted by my schoolwork.
I’ve failed my parents so many times, and I know they are close to giving up. My mind keeps telling me to go forward, that it’ll all be better, but my heart, the thing I listen to, tells me that this is the end of my life. I write this to you with a red right arm and a razor in my left hand, screaming with tears in my eyes.
I’ve lived a lie my entire life, and now I hope to die a truth. I only hope that they can now forgive me.
I want to die…
6 comments
Wow. I really don’t know how to reply to this. This is honestly terrible. Let me try to say something and you can completely disregard it if you think it’s cliche rubbish because trust me myself hate it when people give me cliche rubbish about my issues. Don’t end your life. Please. It’s a terrible concept that people both fear and dream of. And at the end of the day you have to realize there is someone whose life you touched and they will miss you. I can guarantee you that. Think about it. If you kill yourself, now, ever, you won’t have a consciousness. You won’t think, you won’t see, you won’t hear. How does it feel to think about that? I mean I’ve always that the idea was great, but at the moment right before you decide to put a gun to your head, slash your wrists, od, whatever, think about it. Really think about it. Is that what you want? To stop EVERYTHING?
If the 5th season of the animated show you’re watching is enough for you to live for… who’s to tell you that it’s wrong? in the end you decide what your reason of living is, but it’s up to you to find one worth living if you think that the one you have now is not enough. I don’t think your parents will give up on you tho, you make it sound like they aren’t aware of the pain you’re going through… maybe if they knew they could somewhat help you or look for help? that’s a start.
As for your heart telling you it’s over… yeah, i know how that feels and i’ve felt it lots of times over the years (i’m over 30) but it’s easy to confuse a “my life is over and i must end it” with a “my life must end as i know it, and i must start making changes”. Might be wrong here… in your case it sounds like some changes are needed.
Fantasy & imagination are the only escapes we have from the hell of reality. So yeah, whether it’s the 5th season of your favorite show, or a song you like to listen to over & over, or a videogame or whatever, it’s all fair.
Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your life is a lie. But I think your hell is situational. Once you get out of your situation, you’re in the clear. I know that’s a tall order, but sometimes good luck happens.
I feel you. often times its all I can do not to walk down the main street at night with my eyes closed hoping for something good to happen. I’ve never been too social myself. 90% of the time that my few friends ask to hang out I’d so much rather just be alone. Always been that way.
That show wouldn’t happen to involve ponies would it?
As shameful as it is…. Yes.
I understand how you feel. lies are also my specialty in life. I get when you feel like the worst failure out there and nothing goes right it is so easy to just hate yourself even more. But sometimes it is a little bit easier to think of what you can do right now. you can keep waking up and trying to do something. and pardon me if I cross a line i maybe shouldn’t but i have a lot of problems with family and i don’t really know your relationship with your parents at all but if you truly need help and you really believe that they would kick you out in the middle of all this trouble you shouldn’t be worried about pleasing them in the first place. I think you really need to think about what you want to do and try to go for it because you want it, no other reason. if you are in school and it is that hard for you to concentrate there should be programs to help you, and if you really just can’t get the hang of everything maybe a break is in order for you to work a little more on concentrating and getting things back on track. Either way just know that a lot of us understand that when everything falls apart at once it lands on your shoulders as if it is the heaviest thing in the world and you have no idea how to move forward with everything dragging you down and pulling you back. That is what we are all here for. Maybe we feel better about the fact that we might be able to help someone else more than we can help ourselves so you will always have someone here that will talk to you. you will always have someone top help you think things through. because as hard as it is to think about it. if you truly already felt like such a failure to everyone around you you wouldn’t care about your parents being on the edge of giving up on you, you wouldn’t think twice about how well you are doing in school. behind every lie there are many different truths. the person you are has never changed with your lies. The guy who was once doing well in school and had his parents faith isn’t gone unless you say so. So it looks like you have the real decision. fight for the person you really are before everyone else gives up or give up on yourself before you even take the chance.