19andfuckedup

it’s been five years since i joined this website– three since i wrote something. i’m a college sophomore now which is pretty wild considering i tried to end it back in tenth grade.

i guess it’s sort of a good-bad thing. i used to be this perfect little daughter and well talk about adulting. it definitely is scary i’ll be turning twenty this year, not super stoked about it.

i moved a thousand miles away from home to be with someone who had kind of saved my life. i’d always felt i owed them something and that i could and should do anything for them. i kept […]

There’s no way I’m gonna survive a 33 metre fall, right? I don’t want to survive. Please tell me that I won’t survive.

there’s too much going on at the same time. u cant focus on one thing. so you try to handle multiple things at the same time but you and i both know, that that doesn’t end up well. cuz u find urself in a mess, a mess that just keeps on increasing. the more you try to run, the messier it becomes. and when you realize that instead of running, you shouldve tried to clean the mess, it’s too late. the clock has stopped ticking. your heart has stop pounding.
you tried to find things that make you laugh, things that distract you from your shitty […]

I’ve stopped finding happiness, like completely. I know happiness is just an illusion but it felt good when I had some. It doesn’t matter if I’m achieving something or someone close to me is. I thought I was getting better but what was happening was that I was just trying to forget the “fact” that I can’t run away, idk about others but I certainly can’t run away. Past stays there, in that little corner of this thing called mind. Also, I didn’t have a bad childhood, my family’s with me, I’m a good student (atleast that’s what everybody thinks), then what’s the problem? […]

In the morning I wake up feeling down and just too bad. But I just lock this stupid feeling because if I don’t then I am not able to get up from my bed. Then the day goes on, and I get up brush my teeth, take a shower, maybe a breakfast, and then basically keep doing something or the other the entire day. The day passes just like that– me forcing myself to do things that a 15 y/o is supposed to do. The sun sets down. The night comes in on little cat feet. (that’s a metaphor i recently learnt). And I’m left […]

I’m a fucking let down. I disappoint everyone including myself. I know some of you think that I should try to be a better person instead of whining. But I can’t. I’ve tried working hard these couple of days, I did everything that could possibly improve my thinking. I talked to an old friend (altho she talked to me first but eh). I focused on my studies more than ever. I read books. I spent time with my family, playing games and stuff. I made a new friend. I tried eating more. I told myself gazillion times a day that everything will be alright and […]

Is change good or bad?

Its so bad. I want human contact. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to cry and no matter how much I cry, that person should not leave. I need someone desperately to talk to. I want to let my heart out and just tell that someone everything about me, and they should not leave me even after that. They should love me for whoever I am, selfish, rude, liar, ugly, pathetic. I really long for human contact and touch, like not being physical but they can just hug me and let me cry as much as I want to.

These thoughts, they just get buried within us, with time. They dig their own grave. But they’re not dead, they’re just chilling inside the coffin aka our mind. And the more we try to fight them, the weaker we become. I used to believe that these dark feelings get powerful with time but no, it’s us who become weaker. Because let’s face it, as we fight with these thoughts, the mind turns into a battlefield. And amid this ongoing war, we lose control because the thing at stake is, control, it’s the kingdom that the thoughts wanna take over. So we turn full war-ready, forgetting […]

Life sucks and then you die.

Shit hurts and then you die.

Earn bucks and then you die.

Give fucks and then you die.

Mouth shuts and then you die.

Utter words and then you die.

Thoughts burst and then you die.

Face perverts and then you die.

Nights occur and then you die.

Heart rests and then you die.

Just kill yourselves and then you’ll die.

Its like you feel alright but then something small just like a snap happens and then all your mind can think about is everything bad that has ever happened that is happening or that is gonna happen in the future. It fucking sucks. Its like you fall again and again in the spiral. Its like at the end of the day you are deep inside the spiral and then the next day you climb it all back working hard the whole day doing things to make things close to normal but then at some point as soon as you see the ray of light your […]

I can’t afford this rn. Its just not right. I have to do what I have to do. I shouldn’t do what I am doing. I have to be alright. I can’t go back into this. It’s been almost 10 days so now I can’t slide back into that again. I have to stay outside. I must stay outside of it. I can’t let it control me again. I can’t afford to have my head messed up again. I can’t spend hours wishing for nothingness. I can’t afford this at this point. I need to work hard. I have to keep pushing myself. Doesn’t matter […]

Not so dear P,
You wanna help me? Huh? You wanna fucking help me? Then stop whispering from that little shadowy corner of my head. Just have some balls and take control over me. Stop giving me those minute rays of hope like they’re helping me. They fucking suck. Your little hopefulness just messes up my mind even more. Just don’t speak if you don’t have any voice. If you really wanna help me then take control over me, fully. Kill your rival– negativity. What? You think this is too hard? Ok then I am a genius so I have a solution for that […]

And the nothingness stops.

I need to stop feeling I need to stop living I need to stop breathing I need to stop existing I need to stop crying i need to stop everything just stop my heart from beating I can’t take this anymore the pressure to live increases it’s unbearable I need to die and I want to die I sound pathetic and I still wonder how the website’s owner has not kicked me out yet It’s not alright It won’t be alright I’ve bought your “everything gets better” lies so many times that I have no money left It does not improve Shit […]

I feel nothing. Hope this nothingness lasts forever.

I need a break. Or else give me the courage to kill myself. I repeat the courage, not just these thoughts about killing myself or the ability to come up with a plan for suicide, I need the courage to execute that plan without any loose ends. And if it can be obtained from somewhere, then do tell me.

I feel tired and exhausted all the time… My body aches badly… I feel like I’m moving slowly, time is moving slowly… I try to daydream most of the time… But sometimes I think I am normal like last evening when I was studying math (yeah, maths and I get very engaged whenever we meet)… Sometimes my mind runs faster than it should… Like I feel like everything is moving very fast… Like I have a genius mind who can solve everything and I am like the most happy and excited version of myself (although this happens rarely)… Sometimes I look at my childhood […]