dividebyzero

…if you’re basically paralyzed by fear, you know almost no one will understand/support you, and you’re not really sure where you want to end up?

A lot of people would probably think that where I am now in my life is where I want to be, even where I should want to be. I’m working in the same field I got my college degree in. (I realized at the beginning of my senior year that I chose the wrong major, but, too late.) I make good money. But whenever I’m in the office I can feel the tension throughout my whole body, the frequent cravings for unhealthy […]

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be a bird, or a bear, or a leopard, or something like that. Not concerned with what everyone else thinks of you, because concepts like virtue, sin, and vice don’t exist. Being part of nature, not thinking you’re above it. Not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, just living completely in the present. We seem to be the only animal that doesn’t live in the present.

It would also be nice to be a robot. Just to be able to sit down and work on a problem for hours or even days, without […]

I was raised with a very traditional American idea of the path to success. Work hard, get good grades, always try to be the best, graduate from a good college, and you’ll be able to do or have whatever you want. That’s what I was told throughout my childhood. It was linear, logical, and very appealing for a borderline Aspie like me. And it kinda worked. Problem was, once I got that college degree and finished checking all of those boxes, I had no clue what the hell I actually wanted.

I spent the next several years going in a completely different direction, trying things that […]

Ever since I was little, I’ve always had a strong desire to avoid things, or quit things. It doesn’t apply to everything; I like intellectual challenges and physical challenges. But anything that is unpredictable, unexpected, or messy, or doesn’t seem rational, I’ve always wanted to avoid. Unfortunately, that seems to be 90% of life and 100% of everything that involves other people. If I wasn’t so goddamn sensitive, maybe I could be a fighter, one of those people who can brush shit off and dish it right back out and accomplish significant things. But instead everything seems to affect me five times more than normal.

I’m also running out […]

I haven’t posted on here in a while, because I guess I’ve been pretty stable. I can consistently get up, go to work, and find ways to distract myself. A few times a week I can do things I enjoy. But I’ve pretty much given up on ever loving anyone, or trusting anyone, or hoping for anything, or setting any significant goals. It’s just not worth getting crushed again, because I know I’ve never been able to control my feelings. I’d rather be bitter and miserable than vulnerable.

So I guess I’ll just keep fighting the world. And if I lose, which I probably will, that’s OK, […]

In grade school, I knew I had no chance of being accepted or valued by other kids, but I figured if I was valued by my teachers, that might make up for it. So I pushed myself relentlessly to get all A’s and do everything the teachers asked.

At my job now, I often feel pressure to be passionate about stuff that I could honestly care less about. I could switch to a less demanding career, but then I would have to figure out how not to be rejected as overqualified, because you’re expected to have ambition. Of course the social world is filled with more pretense and […]