heartlessviking

I come from a family of addicts, and have spent most of my life in those sort of environments. Yet, at 33 I’ve never been diagnosed with an addiction, though I’ve been diagnosed as many other things.

So, when my wife says; “I’m worried about your drinking.”, and my reaction; “me too, now you mention it.”

That’s trouble. I have no problem with substances so long as they are legal and within limitation. Yet within me, as I destroy and remake myself, there is a temptation towards unlimited hedonism. Which leads to several methods, none of which are remotely pleasant, though some are quite quick.

I haven’t had […]

I’m writing this because it needs to be written. I have no illusions as to the interest of others in my process. If it was entirely up to me this won’t be published. Yet, why am I writing it here if I don’t want anyone to see it? Ego, friends, the driver of the careening death trap that is my life. It preserves me, but it will kill me by and by.

I had a bad night sleep last night. Trying to come off sleep medications is a hell of a thing. The interesting thing is that after one of the times I woke up, turned […]

Last week, because the provider of my care is a charity and reports their progress, it was semi annual review of my treatment plan. I was doing really well at the time, had started to step down the meds and the alcohol, it was briefly starting to feel like I had sufficient input to my life.

I don’t even have a great crash story. I know that what happened was at some point I was up until almost 4 AM, and since I don’t have any time sensitive work to do, I was going to sleep until noon. Around 7:30 I was woken up, my wife […]

Lots of time to think, ruminate, and consider my next step, both done already and yet to do.

I’ve been thinking about anger, because my whole life I’ve been angry. I redirected the energy towards other projects, and one by one they self destructed. I think I was just keeping a lid on my anger long enough to develop better skills. Now, I have the skills, I have the time, it might be the season in which being angry is a good choice, not towards violence against humans, but violence against oppression.

I don’t want to break the law. I have a clean record, and everything will […]

Not going to be topical/current, rather talking about another of my shameful habits

Every now and then, I visit the graveyard of my desires. There were people that I loved, and some of them died. Those are the easier to square with than the ones that went on living, with no interest towards me being in their lives.

I’ll say their names, because I’ll never be able to anywhere else;

Laurel
Tiffany
Amber
Todd
Stephanie
Lindsay
Sarah

This isn’t to say that they chose to end it, often enough it was me that decided I couldn’t bleed for the relationship anymore. The ones still alive, I tend to check […]

down time is recuperative, because only then can I start to see the big picture, how I’ve followed instructions and made the best decision based on current data, and failed. The factor that I never accounted for is this; a no win scenario.

My motivation is such that I have to be entirely convinced that my work helps others, that I am not part of the system that has chewed me up and spit me out. I don’t see a job like that out there, and because I’m a man I’m socialized to equate my economic status with self worth.  There is no right path, and […]

I realize that this title is in use somewhere out there, but this rant/essay will deal ONLY with my feelings and me. Nothing else, in my world I consider others independent NPCs, I don’t need to understand them any more than I have to.

I had something blow up in my face. Specifically, I suddenly became unable to give myself the promised reward for my work earlier in the week. How did that happen? Read on.

I’ve been on a quest to get my house clean and organized. It’s thankless work, but it really needs to be done so trudge on I do. Often, I’ll use little […]

I’m sick of turning the other cheek. My whole life, every time I was abused or mistreated, I turned the other cheek. Well, initially I had an anger problem, and dealing with that made me walk away from most fights. I think I foolishly believed in some kind of cosmic or karmic justice, and maybe there is such a thing, but the evidence is piling up that there is no equalizer, no punisher of wrongs, no avenger of the broken hearted and abused.

So this is me, no idea where I’m going to go with this grim philosophy. I’m going to ruin some lives, that much […]

Again, something I don’t get to talk about in my “public” life, because it hurts too much, and it is far too frightening. I’ve tried to work through it with therapists, with no luck at all.

At the end of the day, what scares me more than anything external, is myself. This is a peculiar form of self loathing, I’m convinced because though I have looked all my life, I have never found someone else who admits they are afraid of what they might do.

The awful thing about this is that it is the closest to a self portrait as I can do as a writer. […]

I’ve been trying to practice keeping my head down for the last few weeks. No news, no social media, nothing to ADD negativity. Then, unavoidably it seems, I return to my old ways. I try to interact…. and my filter for grief, which is how most things appear to me, is dark humor. I like to laugh at death, all the more when it appears to be coming right at me.

So, I made a joke about tragedy, and it did not go over well… apparently “in poor taste”, you know what I think is in poor taste? Having a world so tragic and awful that […]

Mostly writing because it will be the only way I process these emotions. At this point, my energy level is too low to even apply for jobs, let alone hold one down. I’ve been able to strip away all the emotion in it, so I can explain to my wife. She’s incredibly supportive, and I feel lucky in that regard. She accepted my pitch; she works and I focus on keeping house. The fact is that I spend more time tending the house than her, and I don’t have a problem with that. I’m good at it.

The hard part is still letting go, becoming okay […]

It isn’t a secret; I seem to take myself too seriously. On the other hand that makes much more sense when it is understood that my social ready personality was intended to be biting satire of the culture around me. I got so sarcastic that I started living in the world I had created. Another thing; our species is on average bad at understanding sarcasm, but perhaps more on that later.

20 years ago, if you can believe it, I was a lost and angry 13 year old. I was trying to find a place, and increasingly finding that the spaces for people like me are […]

First, I want to talk about a purely positive thing that came up last night. My wife surprised me and invited all of our friends over to play board games and hang out. That was great, though it did catch me unprepared, but I got steadily buzzed and coasted through fine.

I like thinking about such things as self contained. It’s like a self contained negative event, no need to work it into my predictions. Then one of my friends said they might have a lead on some work. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t have the strength to hope in unfulfilled […]

One upshot of being unable to work due to depression is that it gives quite a bit of perspective on decisions I’ve made. I was to focus in on the last one, the one that led to me being in this mess.

It was May 2021, and my health was circling the drain. I wanted to ride it down, because due to ADA and my insurance plan being disabled was a better option than being employed. I let my wife and parents talk me into walking out when it had only half broken me.

Fast forward to today; suicide hotline guy verifies that my supervisor was trying […]

One of the most puzzling things to me is that people show up at memorials and cemeteries with flowers, and they talk to the plaque or headstone. What’s the fucking point there? You’re only talking to yourself, those remains can’t hear you. Those remains can’t appreciate the flowers either.

I think most people are in denial about the fact that they are going to die someday. It is the reason the concept of the afterlife appeals to them, a “better place” makes it easier to say goodbye. Not implying that is true or not, just the social consequences. I think everyone carries around quite a bit […]

I want to sincerely thank the admins for returning me the ability to put titles on my posts. It is a little comfort that I previously took for granted, but now understand the frailty and value of.

I started writing this as a comment, and then I realized that it was going to be more of a thought than a tangent, and here we are.

My wife this evening [last night?! what does one put at 4 AM?] made a remark that put it all in perspective I think;

“I often wonder what my life would be like if I was doing what I was meant to.”

As an […]

:: Relief? Or Fata Morgana ::

Disclaimer; I’ve been told that my writing is overly complex, and frustrating to read. Thus, if these things are a problem for you, press the back button on your browser and spare yourself the horror of my mad philosophic ramblings. Else, let’s go.

My life is dominated by waiting. As in, it used to be just a few things, now it is quite a lot. At the moment I’m unemployed, feeling a little frustrated about finances, but I have stuff to do. The point, I think, is that I step back, stop needing my life to follow my plan. Go with […]

Becoming a friend of death;

[still no title option admins, so here I am typing my feelings out using outdated self formatting.]

I remember when I was just a little kid. I grew up in a rather conservative christian household. Obviously, it was not a natural fit. Yet there were moments when it almost was. When I joined a drama/comedy group for example, or when we sang specific songs. One such song is called “I am a friend of God”

Like so; “I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, he calls me friend”

Yes, I was aware at […]

::going through the motions::

Today it occurs to me that my heart isn’t in anything these days. I applied for some jobs this week, not that such a thing would solve my problems, but money is the fuel that makes my world go. I need quite a bit of it to buy my freedom.

My parents are cutting down how much they help me. Accountability they say, I know what it is, they want me to go earn an income. I would if I knew how folks, but I don’t, and am very frustrated at the disproportionate punishment such ignorance brings. I studied for six years, did […]