heartlessviking

I’m in so much submerged pain, and I’ve reach out to everyone, yet the people closest to me are making this the hardest day I have ever gotten through without a breakdown, without cracking completely open.

My best friend was on the verge of suicide, and I called people to help, now I’ll lose my home if I let her back in, my fiance is mad and somewhat blaming me… and I’m torn up more than I knew I could be.

I feel utterly alone, despite being surrounded by people that love me

I can’t cry, and I can’t come to terms with what happened today. I keep […]

A mentor of mine said something pretty revolutionary to me; “Learning is pain, one cannot exist without the other.”

It upset me at the time because of the intimate relationship that I have with pain, and my job is essentially to remove pain from people’s lives, or at least bring it down to manage-able. So why do we hate pain so much, and if we hate it so much why do humans expend effort seeking out situations that cause them pain?

It’s been bothering me for awhile about people who have toxic families. Beyond a certain point family is a chosen relationship the same as any other. […]

There’s no way there is anyone in my face to face life that I can talk about this with, but it feels like it’s going to poison my heart if I don’t get it out.

I had a dream about being intimate with my best friend. In some ways it is expected, I used to be romantically attracted to her. On the other hand, it’s inappropriate. She’s living with me and my fiance for christ sake. I’ve been dealing with her being suicidal lately, being the shoulder to cry on and so on. I feel very responsible, and that seems like a positive thing.

I just can’t […]

Does anyone else think about those that die with no effort? It’s sad, sure, but does it bother anyone else struggling with suicidal thoughts that there’s such a thing as an easy exit?

I mean, there isn’t an age exclusive set of people, it happens to a wide amount of people. One minute their living their lives, the next gone. Could be me or you any time. Wouldn’t it be pointless if we were ready to end it and cause so much more grief when we were around the corner from an easy exit?

I know that most of the time lately I’ve been feeling better, and it would be better if I didn’t spiral just because some of the depressed feelings are starting again…

Life is good at least by all measures that anyone else cares about. I’m working on a degree in a double major I like, I have shelter, lots of stuff that I wanted/want, people that care about me. It seems like I should feel blessed, and usually I do.

No matter what I do though I can’t run from that feeling deep down that I’ve sold out. Worse still I sold out for cheap. For some […]

This week I’m working on some projects for class that have to do with suicide. I don’t really know how to handle that. Even though I’m plugged into therapy, an hour every other week isn’t enough to process all the stuff going on in my life.

Things are going better, stress is on the decline. Sometimes I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel of this set of classes, but there’s tough days still ahead. Tomorrow I’ll be spending 3 hours talking about suicide in class. Then over the weekend I’ll be doing 16 hours over two days dealing with […]

Sometimes I get practical about things and wonder what humans exist for. Capitalism’s answer is to make money, but Automation is destroying the heck out of that. Some people have proposed that it is to perform meaningful work, again I return you to my previous statement; Automation has already taken many jobs, and will take more.

The biological imperative is the one thing that no one seems to be coming for, because they’re destroying all hope that having children is a productive and useful path. We don’t need more humans we need less, likely an order of magnitude less. Maybe there’s enough work for 800 million […]

I was bound to fail big eventually. I just…. thought I wouldn’t. There was this thought that if I did everything that I was supposed to, somehow that would protect me….. but I’ve been working like crazy for 3-4 weeks. I’m tired, I need rest…. but my failure makes me beat myself up and feel self destructive.

I’m alone. My fiance went to bed, I missed the one hour that I can see her out of the last 24 because I was pushing this stupid deadline, that I couldn’t meet. I’m debating how bad I feel. I know whomever I talk to is going to tell […]

I don’t know that I’ve heard a story like this. People talk about their attempts, but usually it is in the immediate past and they are still wondering if they chose right, if they should still be here. Kind of like me. But here is a guy that I have to respect the bravery of:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfNiSkd3HfI&w=560&h=315]

Last night I cried for a long time, over issues within my career, issues in my community. In the light of day today they didn’t seem worth crying over. This last few months have been a bunch of me sitting on the edge of the cliff of falling apart, looking down and wondering if I’m going to fall.

Then today happened. I had some really big personal rough news. News that I didn’t want to hear, and that news came right in the middle of me doing a timed, essential and unavoidable project. I just sailed right through it.

Which is what is so wacky about the […]

not like it matters…. really. does anything?!

Pain is real, much more real than this whole stupid thing. I’m so sick of it, of what I do. Living in my head….. I just want to feel something other than this crushing reality, makes it hard to breath, hard to hold back the depression.

So I march myself forward, hurting and torturing myself, because sometimes pain is the only thing I can understand…..

Screw…. no one understands anything, that’s the only wonderful truth there is.

I’ve been accused of being obsessive, insensitive, single minded, all of which I feel like misses the point. Yes, I’m a mono maniac, I’m seeking something with every ounce of energy I have:

It’s hard to describe the conditions that create the feeling that I crave. I’ve tasted bits of it my entire life, just enough to get me interested.

I’m sick,okay?! I have a disorder where things that interest or arouse normal people don’t even register with me. I have to take medicine to function, meds to work, meds to sleep. I’m 31 years old and at times I feel as frail as my 93 year […]

There is the place that I used to long for her, here was the place my heart swelled with ownership

Was I young? Was I stupid? How could I have given away my heart to her….

Here is where I found out who you were. There is where I said goodbye. I somehow knew I would still be hurting long after you moved on.

Here’s where I met someone new, here’s where I risked it again. Over there is where I buried my hopes of being entirely someone’s, my romantic ideals, and my desire to love someone more than myself.

Now I sit a ghost of the man I […]

just found out that the problem I spent the last five hours trying to figure out and holding myself together over… wrong, entirely wrong. I’m trying not to completely lose it. I’ve been awake since 8:30 AM THURSDAY, that’s 28 hours, and working since 9:30 AM…. I hate this, I hate everything, I really really want to hurt someone, apart from myself,, but there’s no one that has it coming like I do. See? Logically, I should just go walk into traffic, because I’m the problem.  I’m the one that wasted immense resources screwing up….. I’m so tired, but I don’t get to sleep, not […]

I’m so burnt out right now on office time. Everything that can be done to make it tolerable has been done, to no avail. My concentration is going to shit, I’m fatalistically frustrated. Earlier today I threatened to destroy one of the two main members of the problems in my life.

An Ultimatum:

Me or the US health system. One of us has to bend. I’m doing everything I can to function. We’re pouring hundreds of dollars a month into insurance, doctors, therapists, and oh god the medicine. The insurance has made everything more stressful and expensive. They’re worse than useless, they’re harmful. Yet… America, land of […]

12 hours into what is turning into a week from heck. I mean, I’ve had more painful weeks, but rarely a week this tiring. Literally the last four days have been non stop work, or trying to work. I didn’t prepare for this dang it, and now I’ve got another four days that look just about as packed… I’m so tired….

Is it depression if you’re just so fricken tired that it would feel nice if you had a heart attack, or if in some other way the body stopped so there was no choice?!

The dang finish line for this project set is in sight, then […]

I feel like if I was well adjusted I would be happy… . as I write this I’m enjoying the clarity of a new monitor, the clear beauty of a perfect keyboard. I want to be happy about these things, and maybe I’ll succeed in purging my nervous frustration and be able to…

I’ve got a C in a class, which I know is acceptable to everyone else, but that’s the thing: not to me. I want an A, and now I feel like I need to fight ten times harder to not less this class slip….

I’ve got to figure out so many things; car repair, […]

I’ve been kind of marinating in the depression lately. Between being busy and anxious, there isn’t a ton of time to process, and for two months there hasn’t been anyone to process with. I don’t successfully process with my family, friends… any of that. I was trying to process with the crisis line, which just dang doesn’t work.

So I’m meeting a new therapist in the morning. It’s scary. I’m worried that it won’t go well. I’ve worked with tens of therapists, and had maybe 3 good ones. Two of those were students doing their practicum, which is why I can’t see them anymore. The other […]

Today…. ugg. My fiance’s cat came into my office which was supposed to be my quiet space, a safe area, refuge from this world. I had my school bag and a coat that my granddad (who since died) gave me. He had super gross poops all over it, horrible, fricken heart breaking and I wanted to die, but I can’t die because it would upset people so much.

I just…. want a refuge from the cruelty. Somewhere that the nonsense of the world can’t get in. Sometimes I fantasize about buying a cold war era missile bunker, 6 floors underground and just hunkering down in it. […]

My dad and I talked today and apparently he wants to die soonish (within the next 20 years). I asked him about if he wanted to live to be 96 and he talked about people he knew (his parents age) that had gotten that old, and he was really unhappy about the end of life options.

I’m turning 31 this week, and I think that death is less of a desire right now than an eventuality. I mean, chances are that the best case I’m 1/3rd of the way through this thing called life. Worst case this is halfway (it seems like death of “natural causes” […]